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Infidelity is often viewed through an overly simplistic lens: men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional satisfaction.
While it’s true that men are the more opportunistic sex (put them in a situation where they think they’ll get away with cheating and they often do), women aren’t immune to hot sex and attention either.
Recent research set out to test the numerous hypotheses debated about why women cheat and came up with six main motivators.
Some may surprise you.
This week, UK sex expert TRACEY COX debunks common myths about infidelity (file image)
EMOTIONAL NEGLIGENCE
They don’t see me or hear me. I am part of the furniture: something that he assumes will always be there. I think he loves me, but it’s an unsatisfying kind of love. I don’t just want to feel loved, I want to be desired and appreciated. I was ripe for an adventure and I don’t feel guilty about enjoying it.
The most common reason for infidelity by women is feeling unhappy in the relationship: nearly 65 percent of women in the study (conducted in the United Kingdom and Australia) cited this as their reason for straying. Only 31 percent of men cited dissatisfaction as their main motivation for seeking sex outside the relationship.
The second most common motivation for women to cheat is feeling emotionally abandoned. Women are four times more likely to cheat for this reason: only five percent of men cheat if they don’t think their partner likes them.
This is true: men cheat more often when their physical needs are not met, women cheat more often when their emotional needs are not met. Emotional connection is crucial for us. Deprived of this, we seek validation and affection elsewhere.
REVENGE AND RETALIATION
‘I found a series of text messages that seemed to die by a thousand cuts. I don’t want to get divorced because I love my husband and my children. I didn’t confront him for that reason. Instead, I really enjoyed sleeping with a man from work. Only I know my secret, but it helps me live with his betrayal.’
I know more than a few women who check this box. A surprising number of women cheat simply as an act of retaliation: they did it because their partner did it to them.
It’s not just about evening the score: it’s about regaining a sense of agency and dignity in a relationship in which we feel wronged. It may not be the most sensible course of action, but it’s hard to resist the urge to hurt our partner the same way we were hurt.
Again, this is not a common motivator for men. Only three percent said they had cheated on them because their partner had.
TO RECOVER THE POWER IN THE RELATIONSHIP
‘He earns most of the money and decides what we spend it on. Almost all important decisions are made by him: I often feel like I have no rights. A little secret spending and sex with an ex of mine reminds me that he can’t control everything about me.
Feeling powerless or left out is not a pleasant feeling and cheating can be a way to regain control.
In relationships marked by emotional or psychological imbalances, having an affair is a way to regain a sense of control. It is particularly common when a partner is overly dominant or controlling. If you’re too afraid to confront him directly, your best bet is to do something sneaky behind his back to make yourself feel better.
NOT FEELING SEXUALLY SATISFIED
‘I’ve given up trying to teach my partner how to give me an orgasm. He is so sensitive and overly eager for any kind of criticism that I don’t have the heart to tell him how wrong he is. My affair is purely sexual. I have no problem separating love and sex and never have.
This is the only area where both sexes agree: if you don’t have good, regular sex at home, you’re more likely to have it somewhere else.
Nearly nine percent of women said this was the reason they strayed, and 10 percent of men agreed.
Sex might be fourth on the list of motivators for the women in the study, but we’re still susceptible to being seduced if sex with our partner is boring and monotonous.
Tracey (pictured) says women aren’t immune to hot sex and attention either
WANTING SOMETHING ‘JUST FOR ME’
‘Is it tattooed somewhere on them at birth that men can sit and watch women do all the housework? That we’re the ones who remember to send birthday cards, check on elderly parents, and keep up with friends? My affair is the only thing in my life that is purely for my pleasure, and I don’t have to be a wife, mother, daughter or sister.’
Most women today work. Today, most women still do most of the housework and partner jobs that keep the home running.
The constant stress of juggling career, motherhood, work, and other responsibilities leaves many women feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed. Some go to the spa to spend some time alone, others go out to meet a lover to escape the pressure.
“It’s something that’s just for me,” is a statement therapists often hear from women forced to justify why they left their marriage.
Bored and eager for excitement
‘There is nothing wrong with my relationship, but I have been with the same person for 24 years. We both know everything there is to know about each other. I’m not stupid. I know that’s the nature of a long-term relationship and starting over won’t solve anything because I’ll still end up in this place. Having a little adventure every now and then keeps things lively and makes life more interesting.’
It’s the reason least likely to earn any sympathy, but also the one most of us will identify with.
Monogamy may offer security and companionship, but humans become desensitized quickly, and even in good relationships there are periods when life seems, well, monotonous.
Nearly eight percent of women said they had been unfaithful simply because they were bored; another five percent said they did it because they wanted novelty.
Men also cheat when they are bored (nearly six percent), but they are twice as likely to do so for novelty (nearly 11 percent).
- Visit traceycox.com to view Tracey’s blog, product range, podcast details and books.