Table of Contents
No sane person chooses to befriend a raging narcissist, but with their slippery behavior and manipulative charm, it can be difficult to identify self-obsessed friends.
“People who are horrible all the time are easy to spot and you stay away from them,” says Dr. Sarah Davies, psychologist and author of How To Leave A Narcissist For Good and Raised By Narcissists.
Narcissism exists on a sliding scale and the “extreme narcissist” stereotype is rare. However, go down slightly on the spectrum (think the average mid-range narcissist) and, says Dr. Davies, “there’s a lot of that.”
With these more common narcissistic types there are some warning signs, but they are not glaringly obvious. Therefore, it may take years before the shocking truth comes to light.
“It’s only when you take stock of the overall friendship that you realize there’s a pattern,” says Dr. Davies. Other friends show genuine remorse if they behave selfishly, and you know that’s rare. But this regularly betrays a surprising and cold lack of empathy. The narcissist rarely asks for forgiveness and never means it. They will return it to you implying that you are needy.
Here, Dr Davies explains how to spot the subtle (and obvious) signs of a narcissistic friend and how to protect yourself…
The narcissist is vain and devours praise. When you joke that they look vaguely like Keira Knightley or Keanu Reeves, you’re being nice but also joking. They, however, will fully believe it (photograph taken by the model)
It’s all about them
If your friend is an “open” narcissist, he will typically be charismatic, loud, and dominate any conversation, presenting himself as the star of every story. They are charming and entertaining, so it doesn’t bother you much. But at some point you will realize their hurtful habit of making everything about themselves. So, maybe you confess that you’ve been called in for a mammogram and you’re upset. Since narcissists are primarily interested in themselves, their response might be, “Oh, I have to get one of those.” The last time I had one it was fine.’ There’s no empathy or compassion, no ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, are you okay?’
They feed on secrets and lies.
Some narcissists are harder to detect because they are not overtly obsessed with themselves. This guy seems to be a great listener, but at some point you realize that you’re the one revealing everything, the one doing the talking, and it feels strangely uneven. Getting them to reveal something personal is exhausting, like interrogating a spy. This narcissist is secretive because he hates feeling vulnerable. They will tell you a distorted version of the truth and often lie outright. This keeps you at an emotional distance and puts you at a disadvantage in terms of knowledge. It’s a way to control you. Having secrets or a double life makes them feel untouchable and superior to others, which is how the narcissist prefers.
they will love to bombard you
Just when you think, ‘That’s it, I won’t see them again,’ they make a grand gesture. Because if a narcissist feels like you’re pulling away, he or she may take the “loving self” out of the bag. They could buy you a luxurious gift. Or invite you to a spa day. Using money to control and manipulate is a low-effort way to keep yourself enslaved. Showing the cash, if they have it, requires no consideration or real emotional energy. Their outbursts of generosity are a version of love bombing.
They are surprisingly vain
The narcissist is vain and devours praise. When you joke that they look vaguely like Keira Knightley or Keanu Reeves, you’re being nice but also joking. They, however, will fully believe it. But you may notice that they rarely give you a compliment. If they do it it’s because they want something.
You are drawn to their drama.
Some narcissists always have a drama going on and they draw you in to listen or get involved. You will give your time and honest advice, but the conflict is never resolved because they prefer it that way. These narcissists thrive on being ‘the victim’, and if you’re wondering why your shirt is damp, it’s because you’re their shoulder to cry on. They love to be the center of attention. Also, if your dispute is with a mutual friend, if you offer an opinion on the matter they will twist your words or use them as ammunition: ‘Sarah agreed with me!’ You will feel mortified and misrepresented.
They get rid of friends who outgrow their use
They will be in touch when they want something, but if you need them, they will cheat on you. Your friendship is on its terms and you are the one who gives the most. Narcissists are envious people and tend to be jealous rather than happy for you. They may even try to sabotage your successes, whether it’s a new role or a relationship. However, many narcissists are obsessed with appearance, money, power, and careers, and judge people superficially by their achievements. So it’s complicated. If they count you as a friend, it’s partly because of your impressive work or who you know. Their thought is: ‘Who can serve me?’ Lose status and you will be eliminated.
You find yourself making excuses for them.
You’re together and it’s lovely, until your friend says something shockingly rude or arrogant to the waiter. You are mortified; They are foreign. Narcissists lack self-awareness. You have been on the receiving end of their cruelty and have felt ashamed. They could have casually said, ‘You should be ready to lose that weight now?’ Narcissists often make sarcastic comments. And they will never apologize (and mean it) or admit responsibility: they are incapable of reflecting on how they impact others and feeling remorse. It’s always someone else’s fault. Challenge them and they will become defensive.
You feel miserable after spending time with them.
Narcissists hate making compromises. And they can’t feel empathy. So you will often feel pulled into doing what they want. If they earn a lot, they will ignore your hints that they can’t afford to meet at a fancy restaurant. In fact, they may even forget your card and you’ll end up footing the bill. If you were to object, they would shame you: “It’s not my fault you don’t earn enough.”
Dr Sarah Davies is a Chartered Counseling Psychologist and author of How to Leave a Narcissist for Good and Raised by Narcissists.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A NARCISSISTIC FRIEND…
Avoid getting carried away by their dramas.
Have some phrases prepared to avoid committing to any plan they want to involve you in. For example, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” Or, if he’s talking to you about why he had to cheat on his partner, say, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Don’t give them anything.
Get some perspective
Narcissists are great manipulators and that can be confusing, especially if you have a kind heart. So take a step back and try to evaluate the nature of your friendship as a whole. Ask yourself, ‘How do I feel after spending time with them?’ Are you upbeat and happy, or down on yourself and exhausted?
Understand that you will not change them
Know that it is not your responsibility to make a narcissist better. And anyway, you can’t fix them. There is no cure for narcissism. A narcissist will not change. But they will continue to lie and tell you what they think you want to hear.
Gradually reduce contact
You may want to respond immediately if the narcissist contacts you, but resist. Stop responding to all messages. Delay your responses. Make yourself less available. Avoid individual time and, if you must meet, do so as a group to “dilute” your power.
Avoid confrontation
If they question why you see them less, don’t bother confronting them about their behavior. You will only make one enemy. Just say you’re busy. And don’t get dragged into conversations you don’t want to have. Say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.” If you keep mentioning it, I’ll have to leave/end the call.’
Don’t let them make you feel guilty
It’s normal to feel guilt and an obligation to continue the friendship, especially if the narcissist has had a difficult life or if you’ve known them for a long time. Keep in mind that a narcissist will use anything at his disposal to excuse and justify his unpleasant or abusive behavior, and will take advantage of your compassion (he sees it as a weakness).
Prioritize your well-being
Reflect on how you consider a healthy and rewarding friendship and how you want to be treated. Once you are clear about this, it will be easier to focus your energy on relationships that reflect your values. Remember, you have no obligation to spend time with toxic people.