Just when you think Meghan Markle might show some of the kindness she just loves to flaunt — well, she can’t. She doesn’t want that.
On the same day that her husband and his estranged brother, Prince William, appeared, separately, at an awards ceremony in honor of their late mother – and as skewed speculation about Kate Middleton’s illness, the fake family image and even the strength of her marriage fever – Meghan launches a lifestyle brand on Instagram.
Meghan Markle, like nature, abhors a vacuum.
‘American Riviera Orchard’ is the latest addition to Brand Sussex and is as beige and basic as our Duchess of Despair and her endless complaints.
The urgent text from a friend said it all: ‘I can’t handle it.’
Which of us can? Especially those of us holding on to them Stateside.
Just when you think Meghan Markle might show some of the kindness she just loves to flaunt — well, she can’t. She doesn’t want that
‘American Riviera Orchard’ is the latest addition to Brand Sussex and is as beige and basic as our Duchess of Despair and her endless complaints.
Let’s get one thing straight: We don’t call our shores ‘rivieras’ in America.
These are beaches, lake shores or bays. We love them, we sunbathe on them, we picnic and walk our dogs, but we don’t call them ‘rivieras’.
As for that ‘plantation’, it’s clearly meant to evoke her and Harry’s sprawling $14 million estate in Montecito, filled with fruit trees, a chicken coop and rose gardens.
You know, the stuff average American women can relate to when inflation kills the dream of ever owning a starter home themselves. But buy Meghan’s overpriced kitchenware!
Oh, she remains on-brand as ever – by which I mean a lot of contradictions.
Let’s break down this relaunch while keeping notions of compassion tight, lifting up our fellow women (except Kate, of course, because Kate made her cry), holding space, and begging for privacy as we continue on the Worldwide Privacy Tour.
We open the promotional video with a woman’s hand arranging pink and white roses against a backdrop of greige, the film filtered to look old-fashioned, while Nancy Wilson – and I defy anyone under 50 to know who this is – sings, to a futy big-band, swing-time sound, ‘I Wish You Love’.
Ha! Meghan Markle, know yourself.
If she had wanted any love, least of all her estranged, suffering in-laws – including King Charles, who is currently battling cancer – she would have pushed a pause on this most unnecessary of brand revelations.
Then again, Meghan has always gratuitously inserted herself into narratives, into victimhood—into our lives! — with relentless force.
So why not the lifestyle-cooking-wellness room? God knows it’s not crowded, what with Goop and Martha Stewart and Oprah and any number of Kardashians.
Our next shot is a blurry soft focus on Meghan from a distance whipping something up in her kitchen while wearing an expensive looking white top like so many of us do.
Because when we think of Meghan, we immediately think of cooking, candy, treats—the jams and preserves she’ll be selling here, along with an upcoming cookbook.
Indeed, few public figures in our time evoke hearth and warmth, home comfort and family togetherness as she does.
This action shot is followed, so to speak, by a long look down a curved stone walkway at a woman in silhouette, dressed in a black ball gown – for the day. Could it be our duchess?
If she had wanted any love—least of all her estranged, suffering in-laws—she surely would have paused at this most unnecessary brand of revelation.
So why not the lifestyle-cooking-wellness space? God knows it’s not crowded, what with Goop and Martha Stewart and Oprah and any number of Kardashians.
Against a bright sky, she appears to be bending down to pet a dog, and then standing up again to… well, it’s unclear why she’s all the way back, or what she’s even doing.
Then we flash to the title card, ‘American Riviera Orchard’ – written in the style of Meghan’s famous calligraphy – with a vague royal insignia hovering above, all in thin gold embroidery.
Class or trash? I vote the latter.
This was everything the late Queen Elizabeth feared: The Sussexes, commoditizing royalty, using it to shill some copper cookware and start some Ina Garten show while exploiting their family, never more in crisis than now.
With the king stepping back from his public duties while the slender monarchy suffers from Kate’s prolonged absence, Meghan is applying for a US trademark to sell tablecloths, napkins, glasses, decanters, jams and jellies.
They are pedestrians on the border of the camp.
The more Meghan takes herself seriously, the more her personal brand suffers. The more she exploits her compelling desire for fame and relevance, the further she falls in the public’s estimation.
That prom dress! The thought that we can’t get too close to her! What is this, the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah? Will we all turn into pillars of salt if we see her?
Quick question: Will Meghan sell salt? Not just any salt, mind you – like pink salt, sea salt from the world’s rarest, most exotic waters? Rivieras, if you will.
The driving force behind any celebrity lifestyle brand is hubris. It is based on the founder’s confidence almost every other woman wants to be her.
Who Will Be Meghan Markle?
Incredibly, this new Instagram account has gained around 200,000 followers and counting in just hours since it was launched, even though the account doesn’t follow anyone else.
Remember earlier this week the quotes from a source who claims to be close to Harry and Meghan – but has since been denied by the couple.
In the wake of Kate taking the blame for the Photoshop mistake (and I will never believe that Kate was responsible), we were told that “this is not a mistake Meghan would ever make.”
This was everything the late Queen Elizabeth feared: The Sussexes, commoditizing royalty, using it to shill some copper cookware and start some Ina Garten show while exploiting their family, never more in crisis than now.
With the king stepping back from his public duties while the slender monarchy suffers from Kate’s prolonged absence, Meghan is applying for a US trademark to sell tablecloths, napkins, glasses, decanters, jams and jellies.
Of course not! Meghan is too busy making the most insensitive, tone-deaf, ill-timed hard launches – and relaunches – on the planet.
In case we didn’t get the message, this alleged source added that Meghan ‘has a keen eye and a wild attention to detail.’
That must be what cost her the lucrative Spotify deal. It’s the kind of work ethic that led director Bill Simmons to call both Harry and Meghan ‘f***ing Grifters’ who did very little work and had terrible ideas.
It’s that kind of ‘attention to detail’ that kept Meghan from ever Googling the royals, and Prince Harry in particular, until she met them. Or from thinking that the British Royal Family, especially the Honorable Queen Elizabeth, were like characters from ‘Medieval Times’.
It’s Meghan’s keen eye that took instruction on how to snub the Queen and gave us a sarcastic, deeply contemptuous re-creation in that Netflix series – an undeniable mockery that made even Harry look pained.
So forgive us, Meghan, if we still fail to buy what you’re selling. Even if it’s just some cloth napkins and overpriced jam.