Sex after 70. It happens – and much more frequently than you might have imagined.
A new survey has revealed that one in seven of those aged 80 to 84 still enjoy an active sex life, while 36 per cent of those over 70 say their libido has not disappeared at all.
Here, three women – all in their eighth or ninth decade – give an honest picture of what really goes on behind their bedroom doors…
I still feel desire and yearn for a good man in my life
ELAINE KINGETT, 74
The mother of three is single, lives in Brighton and drives life-writing holidays in Spain (write-it-down.co.uk/spain).
A new survey has revealed that one in seven of those aged 80 to 84 still enjoy an active sex life, while 36 per cent of those over 70 say their libido has not waned at all
Brighton-based Elaine Kingett, 74, (pictured) still wants physical closeness, intimate contact and the warmth of a man
According to a recent British survey, more than a third of men and women aged 70+ say their desire and libido have not diminished with age. How reassuring – I was beginning to think, at 74, that it was just me. Mine has never left the building.
For 32 years, from the age of 17, I had a loving, fun and fulfilling relationship with my husband until he died at 53.
We always fancied each other, shared hopes, dreams, adventures, and of course arguments, but we never reached the dreaded state of disillusionment and disappointment that I’ve witnessed in some other long-term relationships.
I was very lucky that the painful reality – due to waning hormones after menopause, which understandably keeps so many women from intercourse – never happened to me.
I took HRT from the age of 50 to 60 and my creative imagination and vibrator fulfilled my single status. My gynecologist insisted that whenever I didn’t have a partner, ‘Use it or lose it, ma’am!’
The term ‘libido’, from the Latin for lust and desire, was first used by the neurologist Sigmund Freud in 1894.
Lust is a much better description of what I keep feeling. Desire for physical closeness, intimate contact, a craving for a man’s warmth, skin to skin. I miss a good man in my life. I miss their different energy. I miss the smell of a man.
Lust is too strong a word. Loving is what it’s all about; having sex sounds like a cold, calculated act carried out between two emotionally uninvolved individuals, without even a cup of tea afterwards.
For Elaine, an intimate relationship with a man she loves, trusts and respects is an integral part of life; something fun, rewarding and calming
Of course, one’s libido can be negatively affected by so many factors—not just aging, but also biological, psychological, and social elements.
Add to that the side effects – which are only now beginning to be widely understood – of SSRI antidepressants, such as escitalopram and sertraline, which can cause a drop in libido and an inability to feel any sexual sensations at all. It’s a wonder any of us ever feel sexy, even with Viagra to help us along!
Despite having breast cancer, a heart attack, three big babies, osteoarthritis, hearing aids, glasses and a face that owes way too much to sunbathing on the beach in my younger days – covered in baby oil while smoking a fager – I have I still fancy my chances of meeting someone.
I am so grateful to be alive and know from experience that life can be shockingly short.
For me, an intimate relationship with a man I love, trust and respect is an integral part of life; something fun, rewarding and calming.
I have great friends and family, and work that I love, but sex, intimacy and, yes, companionship are the icing on the cake.
My recent relationship, which ended a few weeks ago, only served to confirm everything I’ve always believed, but began to doubt, after an eight-year hiatus.
Sex at 74 can be just as delightful and life-affirming as it was at 50 or 60, and I don’t want to leave this earth without ever experiencing that euphoria again.
Falling in love is the same if you are 17 or 70
PRUE LEITH, 84
The TV presenter and cookery writer is a mum-of-two and lives in the Cotswolds with her second husband.
Prue Leith, 84, (pictured), who lives in the Cotswolds, wonders why falling in love is not an acceptable, even usual, option for older women
Why do you think we find eight-year-olds kissing seriously embarrassing? When little children kiss, we think it’s cute; when glamorous adults do it, we think it’s a turn-on. But geriatrics? Oh no, that’s disgusting
My generation of women (I was born during World War II) was the first, I think, to generally be allowed to behave like men. Going to university, having a career and admitting the joy of sex. And when the pill first arrived in the 1960s, to indulge in it without the specter of pregnancy casting a cloud.
But now, in old age, those women are expected to get back into their box, wear boring greige and, if not actually sit in a corner knitting, at least behave with classy decorum. Well, no thanks.
This depletion of the old happens more to women than men. By and large, society accepts male octogenarians who attract younger women.
I suppose women should be thankful that infertility is coming at us so much faster. Giving birth and raising children is incredibly exhausting.
But the end of our fertile years doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy love and sex. Why is falling in love not an acceptable, even usual, option for older women?
Because I remarried in the mid-70s (and probably because I wear lots of vulgar colors), I’m considered something of a marvel, if not a freak.
But ask anyone over 60 and in love how it feels, and they’ll tell you that whether you’re 17 or 70, the symptoms are the same: pounding heart; willing your phone to ring; overflowing joy when it does; rewrites that text ten times and doesn’t send it.
She believes that no matter what age you are, falling in love feels the same way: your heart beating and your phone ringing
There’s nothing like being in love: the way it colors your whole life, turning a rainy day into a pleasure, a disgusting pub meal into a joke, a bad movie into a treasured shared experience.
It gives a reason to live and I think many women miss out on that unnecessarily.
My advice would be to forget the rules and obey your instinct. If you want the skinny old boy with the nice crooked smile to notice you, make yourself noticeable.
If you’re too shy to make a personal move, drop him a note. What do you have to lose?
The older men I meet don’t light a spark
LIZ HODGKINSON, 80
The author is divorced from the father of her two sons and lives in Oxford.
I am truly happy for all those couples in their eighth and ninth decades whose libidos are still rising.
Unfortunately mine is not. To enjoy an active sex life in your later years, you need the right partner. If, like me, you’re single, libido tends to take a quick dive downwards, if not completely disappear.
Sex? What is it? For me it’s just a faint memory.
Liz Hodgkinson, 80, believes her libido has taken a dive because she hasn’t found the right partner
I’m a perfectly healthy 80-year-old woman who hasn’t yet bent over, shuffling around on a Zimmer frame and rattling prescription pills.
I’m lively and active, I go to the gym, go for long walks and definitely have a spring in my step.
I’m embracing social media — and I’m definitely ready and willing for some new adventures.
It shouldn’t be surprising, because my generation is, after all, the longest-living and healthiest older generation in history.
So it would be great if I could add sex back to the joys of my life. But where, oh where, can I find that special someone? It’s not for lack of trying.
Since my very attractive and charismatic last partner died 20 years ago, I’ve been on so many dates and even now I’m sometimes approached on the street by guys asking if I’d like a drink. But it’s sad to say that none of them have ignited a single spark, either mentally or physically.
There was no revival in the loins or elsewhere, and after a dismal date, that was it. It was hopeless and I left the dating scene well over four years ago.
The older men I met were just not interesting enough to captivate me, and with the younger ones there was nothing in common.
Still, Liz remains hopeful that there could still be a Mr. Right out there for her
But it might not be too late. The other day a neighbor told me that her 82-year-old mother had fallen in love after several years of widowhood.
‘She was so lonely,’ my neighbor said, ‘and then my daughter introduced her to a guy she thought might be suitable for mum.
‘Well, there was instant mutual attraction and they are blissfully happy together. Mother now has a whole new life.’
So before I fall into despondency and forget I ever had a libido, could there still be a Mr. Right out there for me? Stranger things have happened.