A mother of triplets says she refuses to feel guilty about making time for herself, even if it is surprising that she leaves the children to enjoy the gym and relax in the jacuzzi.
“Now I have no regrets about taking care of my own needs and having time to recharge,” said Leila Green, 40, who has three children.
“I go to yoga classes several times a week and when the kids nap, I take advantage of the time to meditate or do yoga.”
She says she “doesn’t like the martyrdom of mothers at all” and often faces surprised looks when she takes time alone.
Leila feels so strongly that “mother guilt” must be eliminated; She is now working to change the narrative and liberate mothers around the world.
Leila Green, 40, pictured with her husband James, 43, and their triplets (left to right) Jerry, Rafa and Frankie, 19 months.
The 40-year-old publishing entrepreneur from Beckenham, Bromley, was inspired by her own experiences with parenthood, after giving birth to Frankie, Rafa and Jerry, who are now 19 months old.
Having gone through two heartbreaking miscarriages, Leila wasn’t sure if she would ever be a mother.
So, despite the initial shock of learning that she had conceived triplets naturally, Leila felt blessed.
“I had gone through the agony of losing two babies, so I felt very grateful,” she revealed. “It’s incredibly rare and feels like a miracle.”
The mother gave birth prematurely at 33 weeks and the children, who were born at Kings College Hospital in London, were rushed to the NICU.
Leila had to go back to the room where everyone else had their babies with them and wait for a nurse and a wheelchair to be available before she could visit hers.
“Being separated from them was horrible,” she said. ‘And then they were transferred separately to my local hospital, where they stayed in the NICU for weeks. The separation affected our bond. That’s when mom’s guilt started.
After four weeks, Frankie and Rafa were discharged, but Jerry remained in the hospital for another week.
Leila and the triplets on Christmas Day. While Leila was initially shocked when she found out she was having triplets, she remembers feeling incredibly grateful.
LR: Jerry, Rafa and Frankie in the photo with a dog. The triplets were born at 33 weeks, which meant they were rushed to the NICU, where Frankie and Rafa stayed for four weeks. Jerry had to stay another week.
“I felt guilty because I was trying to take care of two small babies at home and also visit Jerry in the hospital,” she revealed.
‘The mom guilt continued when Jerry came home because I was trying to breastfeed, but how can you breastfeed three babies at once?
“When all three children were crying at the same time it was impossible because I couldn’t calm them all down… it was even worse when they were teething or sick… I felt like I was letting them down and failing them all the time.”
Leila said the sensation was particularly prevalent because she had triplets “because they pull you in two or three different directions.”
“However, my husband didn’t feel guilty about these things; it turns out that it’s different for dads,” she added.
Trying to meet the needs of all three children was an impossible struggle and Leila was soon on the verge of exhaustion.
Shauna Leven, chief executive of the Twins Trust, a charity that supports families with twins, triplets or more, said emotions of guilt are very common among new mothers of multiples.
“Attention is inevitably divided among children,” he explained. “Parents find themselves in a relentless routine of feeding, changing and comforting multiple babies, leading to acute lack of sleep and physical exhaustion.”
Unsolicited comments and advice from strangers didn’t help either. At the breastfeeding clinic, people were keen to praise Leila’s husband James, 43, a risk manager, for his participation.
“They said, ‘I always see your husband with the babies, isn’t it amazing?'” she revealed.
Leila and her three children. After battling mom guilt, Leila now feels comfortable taking time for herself and enjoys going to the gym and relaxing in the hot tub.
Leila with her three children. She feels so strongly that she must remove the guilt from mothers that she is now working to change the narrative so that other mothers feel equally liberated.
‘I thought, “Well, why shouldn’t she take her kids out?” Nobody praises me for doing it. Why this double standard?
Leila also said she received hurtful comments from strangers on the street, as people would approach her simply to proclaim ‘I wouldn’t want to be you in a million years’ or tell her that having three babies is her ‘worst nightmare’. ‘.
There were also other factors that added to the “mother’s guilt.” As a new mother, Leila was bombarded with conflicting advice and parenting methods, all designed for single babies. She also discovered that she was comparing herself to other mothers.
Dr. Jo Mueller, clinical psychologist and founder of The Guilty Parent Club (drjothepsychologist.com), said our brains are “literally programmed to compare ourselves to others.”
“It makes sense that many of us feel terribly guilty because society creates completely unrealistic expectations about what it means to be a parent,” he added.
‘We receive unhelpful messages about parenting from all angles, including overwhelming information from social media.
‘The idea of the “perfect mother” simply does not exist. When our brains compare us to these very high standards, of course we feel like we’re failing.’
He explained that most of us also have unrealistic “fantasies” about what life as a parent will be like before we make it a reality.
Leila pictured with her husband James and the three children. While Leila suffered deeply from her mother’s guilt, she says her husband experienced nothing of the sort.
“Guilt and shame are very common among parents,” he added.
“Virtually all of my clients report these emotions to some degree, and for many of them it has a huge impact on their well-being, mental health, and their ability to parent.”
The combination of information overload, overwhelming guilt, and the desire to “do it all” was the turning point for Leila, who soon realized that things had to change.
So she decided to reevaluate her priorities, show compassion, and take time for herself.
“I see a lot of moms trying to do it all, and for a lot of them, that’s just going to lead to burnout within six months,” she explained.
‘We shouldn’t be expected to be on the front line putting out fires all the time.
‘My guilt didn’t improve the situation or make me a better mother: it was exhausting me. Once I realized that I was setting unrealistic standards for myself, that there is no such thing as perfection and that I needed to prioritize because I couldn’t do everything, it was a game changer.’
Leila set a mantra for herself: “Priorities, not perfection, compassion, not comparison, acceptance, not expectations, and intuition over instruction.”
“I realized I needed to show myself compassion because I was doing the best I could,” she said. “I also realized that taking care of myself was the best thing for my entire family.”
“Having time for myself makes me a better mother: I feel refreshed, more capable and I have a break to think.”
Leila (who shares snippets of her life with triplets on Instagram @triplet_supermama) is hosting a free online event – ’f*** mum guilty’ – on March 7, coinciding with Mother’s Day and International Women’s Day, with a view to changing the narrative.
Leila and Rafa photographed in the park. Leila firmly believes that having time for herself makes her a better mother to all of her children.
“Society already makes motherhood difficult enough; we don’t need to make it harder on ourselves,” she said.
‘I want to create a space for mothers to talk openly together about mom guilt and remember the amazing work they are doing. I want to reframe the guilt they feel into something positive and empowering.
‘The event is for any mom who is done with guilt and judgment and wants to burn that guilt and change how she feels.
‘Mom’s guilt doesn’t serve us and it’s not fair. I want to oppose it.’
- F*** Mom’s Blame will take place on Zoom on March 7th at 8pm https://www.tickettailor.com/events/leilagreen/1165968