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When disputes arise, do you always take on the role of peacemaker or do you stay on the sidelines until tempers calm down? Are you the apple of your parents’ eye or the scapegoat when something goes wrong?
Whether you were the firstborn, the middle child, or even the only child, there are some universal ‘roles’ or positions that we tend to adopt when dealing with our family members. If left unchecked, these behavior patterns can continue into adulthood and impact other relationships, and not always in healthy ways.
An important part of my work as a marriage and family psychotherapist is helping people identify the family roles they might have taken on when they were young and helping them live in a way that reflects what they really want, rather than following a prescribed stereotype. . them.
Below are some examples of the role you may have played your entire life and how you can escape it to live a more meaningful life.
Whether you were the firstborn, the middle child, or even the only child, there are some universal ‘roles’ or positions that we tend to adopt when dealing with our family members.
the golden boy
Even if they deny it, families usually have a “golden child.” Perhaps you were the scholar, or the first in the family to get a place at university, and your parents have always praised and celebrated your achievements.
This may seem wonderful, but it’s stressful having to carry the weight of your parents’ aspirations (and endure the envy of your siblings).
For some, this pressure can lead to teenage rebellion and self-sabotage. In young women, high levels of anxiety can sometimes manifest in eating disorders or other mental health problems.
As an adult, enduring golden child status can cause you to buckle under the weight of expectations, weighed down by overinflated hopes and dreams. Clients come to me with anxiety and depression, saying they live with the perpetual worry of letting everyone down and feeling like they will never be good enough.
I remind them that no one is perfect and encourage them to explore the playful and rebellious side of their nature so that they can create a more realistic image of themselves.
the black sheep
This label is often given to the child who doesn’t quite fit in or who has brought some kind of shame to the family. If you’ve been labeled a black sheep, there’s a good chance you’ve been left to do your thing while your parents focused on their golden child.
It can leave you feeling ashamed and isolated, and that you are to blame for everything, even when events are objectively out of your control.
Dr. Reennee Singh says an important part of her work as a couples and family psychotherapist is helping people identify family roles they may have taken on when they were young.
In adulthood, it can also lead people to accept bad behavior towards them, because they believe they are not worthy of kindness.
I work to help black sheep recognize that they may be carrying the weight of shame for the entire family and that they do not have to be defined by this.
the father-son
In many families, a son – often the eldest – takes on an almost paternal role, caring for younger siblings and then taking over the care of elderly parents if they fall ill.
If you have been given responsibilities at a young age, it is common for you to carry this sense of obligation into adulthood, carrying a sense of duty towards your family.
Without being aware of it, those who play this role can extend this feeling of responsibility to their partner and children, being overly demanding and critical. This role can lead to burnout and resentment because you pile so much pressure on yourself that you run out of time and energy to pursue your own goals.
It can be very difficult to let go, but you must give yourself permission to hand over the reins and encourage those around you to step forward to fill the void.
the baby
It is usually the youngest child who occupies the role of “baby”, but it can also fall to a vulnerable, perhaps less healthy or neurodiverse child. Other family members are expected to watch and support the baby.
If you’re the baby, this layer of protection may be helpful when you’re young, but you may find it difficult to launch into the adult world.
Some babies may fall into the trap of “conscious incompetence,” having learned that by avoiding or failing at tasks, someone will intervene, allowing them to escape responsibility.
I always encourage babies to get out of this role. However, adult siblings and parents must also be willing to let go of their caregiving role in order for the baby to grow.
the mediator
In many families there is a child who takes on the role of keeping peace between warring siblings or parents.
But while it may help you learn useful mediation skills, it can be difficult. I see people exhausted by the strain of considering everyone’s point of view and suffering painful divisions of loyalties if they are forced to choose between family members.
Try to find ways to protect yourself from the confusion of having to choose; It can be liberating to create boundaries and form independent relationships with those around you to avoid getting caught up in every argument.
It could be as simple as saying something like: “If you have a problem with X, discuss it directly with them, I don’t want to get involved.”
For more information see reeneesingh.com/
As he told Louise Atkinson.