Dear Vanessa,
I am writing to you because I really need guidance. About 15 years ago, I lent my brother $10,000 when he was having financial difficulties. At that point, he made it clear that he couldn’t return it and, wanting to help, I told him it was okay and treated it like a gift.
Now his business is thriving and he is much more prosperous. He even got a mortgage while I’m still renting and can’t afford it. Despite his success, he has made no effort to reward me and that is starting to weigh on me. I mentioned it years ago and he told me he didn’t have any extra money at the time, but now that he’s doing so well, it hurts even more.
Part of me feels bitter because that money would make a big difference to me now, but at the time I agreed that it was a gift. I don’t want this to hurt our relationship, but I can’t seem to let go of these feelings. What do I have to do?
Thanks for your advice,
Pink
Send your questions to leading monetary educator Vanessa Stoykov at bloomafter50@dailymail.com.au
Noted monetary educator Vanessa Stoykov (above) asks Rose if it’s more important to preserve her relationship with her brother as it is, or to have an open and honest conversation with him to clear the air about the $10,000 she gave him 15 years ago .
Dear rose,
Thank you for sharing your story with me; It’s clear that this situation has weighed heavily on you for some time. It’s completely understandable that you might feel conflicted. On the one hand, you were generous to your brother during a time of need, and on the other, it’s hard not to feel disappointed that he hasn’t offered to pay you back, especially when he’s now in a much stronger financial situation.
The first thing you must recognize is that your feelings are valid. Money can often bring up complex emotions, especially when mixed with family relationships. You gave the loan from a place of love and wanting to help, but circumstances change over time, and now that you see your brother doing well, it’s natural to wonder why he hasn’t acknowledged the debt.
That said, you also agreed at the time to treat him as a gift, and while that decision may have seemed right to you at the time, it’s causing you stress and resentment now. One way to approach this is to ask yourself what will bring you the most peace. Is it more important to preserve the relationship as it is, or do you feel like you need to have an open and honest conversation with him to clear things up?
If you decide to bring up the topic, approach it from a perspective of understanding rather than accusation. You could say something like, “I’ve been reflecting on the loan I gave you all those years ago.” At the time, I was happy to help, but now I’m struggling financially and it would be helpful to get some of that back. Can we talk about what is possible? This opens the door for them to respond without feeling attacked and gives you the opportunity to express your feelings without demanding payment.
But if you think it’s best to let it go for the sake of family harmony, then work to reframe your perspective. Remember that you acted out of kindness and that is something to be proud of. You have done a good deed, and while you have not been rewarded with money, it may bring you peace to know that you have helped him succeed.
Finally, it is also an opportunity to think about your own financial future. Could this be the time to focus on strengthening your own situation, looking for ways to move towards your own goals? Whether it’s exploring new savings strategies or even talking to a financial advisor about how you can move toward homeownership, the best investment now might be in yourself.
I hope this helps and I wish you clarity and peace as you navigate this difficult situation. Family and money situations can be very challenging.
A cordial greeting,
Vanessa Stoykov.
