Dear Jane,
I am 35 years old and married to a woman who, when we met, was bright, attractive and intellectually curious.
But three years ago, I got a well-paying job in the Persian Gulf and we decided to try a “long-distance” relationship.
We stayed in touch: she flew from our home in England to see me every couple of months and we met up in Europe from time to time.
Unfortunately, I had little idea what my wife was actually doing.
And last year, when work finished and I moved back home, I discovered the nightmare truth.
Dear Jane: My wife and I went long distance for years…now we’re back together and I discovered her disgusting habits.
My wife, once just a social drinker, had become a full-blown alcoholic.
She also met numerous men for sex while I was away and gained quite a reputation in the neighborhood.
It seemed like anyone willing to buy her a few drinks could have her for the night, and she won’t stop seeing these men even now that I’m back.
She disappears for two or three days at a time. Lewd photographs and videos of her have been exchanged in WhatsApp groups.
When we got married five years ago, she was slim and attractive. Now my wife has the swollen features of an alcoholic. There is even a tremor in the hands.
However, he refuses to discuss the problem or consider seeking help.
To be frank, she’s a lost cause. Life is miserable and I am looking for another job abroad. But, if I turned my back on him, I wonder what would happen. After all, she is still my wife and I feel I have a moral obligation.
At what point can I ethically walk away?
Thank you,
Lost in alcohol
Dear Lost in Alcohol,
Although you lead your letter by pointing out that alcohol is the main problem in your marriage, there is much more going on here.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column
Many people have spouses who have a problem with alcohol, who drink too much and promise over and over again that they will stop, but can’t do it.
However, these people do not necessarily disappear for days at a time or, in fact, sleep with other people and the evidence then spreads on WhatsApp groups.
Marriage is a serious contract, not to be taken lightly, but I think what you are enduring is unsustainable.
Your moral obligation to work on a marriage does not mean staying with someone who has so little respect for you that he openly sleeps with numerous people and does so in a way that publicly humiliates you.
When you live with someone who struggles with alcohol problems, it is important to remember that you are powerless over their drinking.
In fact, your wife’s drinking has nothing to do with you. Nor was his excessive drinking necessarily because he doesn’t love you.
Addictions like alcoholism are diseases and loved ones of addicts cannot cure them on their own. Recovery is usually only possible if the addict seeks help on his or her own.
You have said that you are worried about leaving her alone, but it is very possible that she will just hit rock bottom and seek the support she so desperately needs if left alone.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for detaching yourself and letting her suffer the consequences of her choices. It sounds cruel, but being involved with someone who can’t change their behavior is just being cruel to yourself.
Look up the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not only will they provide you with support to navigate your own healing, but they will also give you the tools to learn to let go and care for yourself.
Dear Jane,
I have a friend who talks about herself. non-stop.
We’ve been in the same friendship group since we graduated three years ago.
But since he got a new job, he talks about how awesome he is at work, how awesome he is in general… and nothing more.
She’s always been a little self-absorbed, but this is a whole new level. It seems impossible to have a conversation that isn’t in some way about her.
Is she a narcissist? I don’t know. Maybe she’s just obsessed with herself.
Either way, it’s boring and frustrating and I’m not sure we can be friends for much longer.
I get angry every time the group meets these days. In fact, I dread spending time with my friends if I know she will be there. (And it almost always is!)
I don’t want to isolate myself, but more and more I can’t stand being around her. What should I do?
Of,
Tipper friend
Dear dumper friend,
I suspect everyone reading this letter has had a friend like yours at some point.
We always hope that friendships last forever and that they will always be as satisfying and loving as they were at the beginning, no matter how many times we have experienced friendship disappointments in the past.
There’s an old saying that friends exist “for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
Naturally, we normally expect all of our friends to be the “lifelong” type. But unfortunately, we are often disappointed.
I think it’s important to let a friend know when they’ve let you down. Hopefully, then you can talk through the problem and come to a point of resolution.
But it is very different when our friend is self-absorbed or, as in your case, bordering on narcissism.
I had a very good friend for almost twenty years and, despite being close, I always felt a bit like her maid of honor. Everything revolved around her, but I was so in awe of her that I was happy to just be in her orbit.
Little by little my rose-colored glasses fell off and I saw his total absorption.
As a nod to our shared history and my enduring love for her, I tried to maintain the friendship. But despite my efforts, I always seemed to disappoint her.
I didn’t show up when she was sick, I didn’t praise her enough for her new projects, no… no… I didn’t. The list was long and he always received the silent treatment whenever he didn’t pay enough attention. I had an increasingly busy life, working full time and raising six children, and she never showed up to pick me up. But it was never about me, it was always about her.
I finally decided to leave and, most importantly, I have felt nothing but relief since then.
Maybe that’s what you needed to hear?