Dear Dr. Carla,
My adult children refuse to talk to me and I am lost.
I did the best I could as a mother and I have no idea how to do things right. When I try to get closer, they tell me I’m overstepping or ignoring their boundaries. I fear this completely rules out a relationship with me.
I love my children very much. They still talk to their dad, but I hate getting all the family news through him. I miss them.
From a distraught mother.
Dear distraught mom,
Parenting is difficult and no parent is perfect. In my experience, strained relationships between parents and adult children arise when unresolved past issues are allowed to fester.
It could be that, as a parent, you were not emotionally available when your child needed you. Low emotional intelligence could also be the culprit, which is when a person doesn’t realize when a loved one needs something, or doesn’t understand what they need.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly offers her advice to a woman who is estranged from her children
When your past memories don’t align
When relationships turn sour, both parties can get stuck in the “I’m right and you’re wrong” mentality. When that happens, true connection is not possible.
For example, an adult child might say, “You did this when I was 16 and I can’t forgive you.”.’ The father might respond, “No, I didn’t; your memory is wrong.”
Of course, no one is “wrong” here: everyone remembers things differently and has a different perspective on the situation. What happened in the past is planted differently in each person’s mind; That’s why people often talk about “my truth.”
When we are faced with this type of impasse, arguing about what did or did not happen years ago, it is important to try to see things from the other person’s perspective and empathize with them.
Family estrangement initiated by the adult child can often be due to a parent being unwilling to listen to their child’s perspective because it conflicts with their own memory of what happened.
Saying you’re willing to accept your child’s past memories as valid (rather than simply saying they’re “wrong”) can be the first step in healing a rift.
Taking the first step
To fix a relationship like this, it is important that you take the first step. After all, you are the father.
First, establish some ground rules, such as no swearing. You get nowhere by calling someone a narcissist, a liar, or stupid.
Remember, it is a parent’s job to listen to their children and understand how they feel. If you don’t know why your kids aren’t talking to you or responding to your texts, you probably don’t understand how they feel. If they have difficulty expressing their feelings, giving them a name can help them take the first step to reconnect.
For example, you could say something like, “You seem very upset or stressed.” This can be a way to acknowledge that you are going through something difficult. They may come back and say, “I’m not upset, I’m frustrated.” This opens the dialogue.
While prioritizing your child’s feelings is key, it’s also important to be on the lookout for unsafe behaviors or threats when resuming communication.
If they receive responses like “I won’t talk to you” or “You won’t have access to your grandchildren,” let them know that all you’re trying to do is understand how they feel and what they’ve said. It’s not good.
Strained relationships between parents and adult children arise when unresolved issues from the past are allowed to fester.
Sometimes estranged adult children may lash out with a comment that justifies their hostility, such as, “That’s how you raised me.” To this you can say, ‘Yes, and now I’m trying to be better.’ I will not tolerate you insulting me or being cruel. I didn’t maintain those boundaries when you were younger, but I’m learning and they’re there now.’
Once a tentative dialogue is established, you must respect their boundaries and wait for them to invite you in further, without overstepping yourself. If you get impatient and try to rush things, you risk losing all the ground you’ve gained.
When the child’s partner is involved
If the relationship breakup occurred once your child entered into an adult relationship and you suspect your spouse is pressuring you, then reconnecting may be more difficult.
In these situations, you need to take a close look at what you have done to cross your child’s partner’s boundaries. For example, have you given unsolicited advice? This can be a trigger for some adult children and their spouses. I’m a big believer in not giving advice, and when asked for your opinion, try to make sure you’re not personally attached to the advice you give.
In situations where you suspect some degree of partner involvement, you should repair the bond with your child and also with your partner.
You can start by letting your child’s spouse know that while you understand that they want nothing to do with you now, you will be there to help them as their mother-in-law when they need it.
You can always invite your child to family therapy too. Again, a starting point can be to name what you feel and express a sincere willingness to reconnect without expectations. For example, you can say: “Hello, I’ve noticed some coldness or distance between us and I would really like to be close to you again.”
Parents should look at their own behavior and see how it could be triggering for their adult children (file image)
You are not alone
It is also important to note that it is normal for parents and adult children to have periods of disconnection throughout their lives.
When a child goes out for the first time when he is in his early twenties, he is programmed to move towards freedom. But they often return in their twenties; For most people, their parents are their anchor.
The other period in which parent-child relationships often deteriorate is when adult children start their own families. When getting married and having children of your own, it is common to go through a season of reevaluating the quality of family ties.
Ultimately, if you are willing to listen, connect, and really tune in to how your child is feeling, these periods of distancing don’t have to be the end of your relationship. Push yourself and respect boundaries and things will get better.
Advice given to FEMAIL by Dr. Carla Marie Manly, psychologist and attachment expert and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly has been working as a psychologist for 20 years, has written four books, and hosts the Imperfect Love podcast.
