Chaotic kayak cross is Olympics’ answer to Gladiators with lost teeth just part of the fun

Splash, boom, boom! Bumps and booms are as inevitable as splashes at an event where chaos reigns and kayakers are likely to lose a tooth or two.

When the IOC added kayak cross, formerly known as extreme kayaking, to its calendar Olympic Games On their debut, they knew they were going to win. They race together around the course, not against the clock, as in the traditional form of slalom, but against each other. For once, the clock is more forgiving.

Four boats compete in each race and there is no such thing as a lane, just a series of upstream and downstream gates that they row through and race to dominate. From the moment competitors launch off a ramp, more than five metres above the water, they collide in water crashing style. It doesn’t end there.

From being Tarzan and diving headfirst into the rapids – “from which,” as Edgar Burroughs’ book puts it, “no man has ever returned” – they soon have to become the bravest of Inuit, as they must submerge themselves completely underwater and execute a 360-degree Eskimo roll under a “limbo” bar. Once they are in the right position, they continue their whirlwind of H2O, speeding towards the first finish line.

Danger is everywhere. Even though the organisers don’t act like real gladiators and shoot cannonballs at the protagonists, there is a lot of that feeling.

The fans, who packed the horseshoe stands on the first two days of the qualifiers and will do so again on Monday for the finals, are enjoying it with a bloodlust that doesn’t seem to be anywhere near the Stade Nautique in Vaires-sur-Marne simply because of their passion for pure sport. They are encouraged to scream and shout by loud music, a live drummer and the obligatory Australian announcer on the public address system who sounds like he’s going into a frenzy every time his balls are well done. Anything goes, man.

Casual observers, however, may be surprised to discover that there is a rulebook containing actual rules. Yes, they are allowed to bump into each other (actually, that’s unavoidable on the narrow course), but the boats are standard and the oars cannot have metal tips. Dangerous contact with another person’s head or body that could result in personal injury is not permitted.

If it’s intentional, that is. It’s not just the most bizarre image in Paris, but also the most bizarre, with kayaks and paddles tumbling around and hitting competitors in the face. “We don’t have any major problems, but sometimes we see broken cheekbones,” says Titouan Castryck. “And if we hit a competitor on the head with the boat, then that’s broken teeth.”

Castryck, like the vast majority, wears a mouthguard, in addition to the obligatory helmet. “If a boat gets in your mouth, when you take off the mouthguard you worry a little bit about what you might find inside.”

The 19-year-old Frenchwoman is one of Joe Clarke’s main rivals for goldThe Englishman sometimes opts to forego the mouthguard, but that’s because his game plan isn’t to watch a man or a craft for the entire minute-long spectacle. “My big strength is to make a good entrance off the ramp and then go full speed to clear the first leg,” he said.

So far, so good. In his two quarter-final qualifiers, Clarke, winner of the canoe slalom in 2016, has enjoyed clear waters. However, he is well aware of the risks.

Mallory FranklinHis compatriot, who also has a great shout, explained how he received a nasty cut early in the campaign.

Naturally, there is the potential for things to turn ugly, although Clarke insists that “we have a huge amount of mutual respect for each other as we all know each other very well from competing in slalom.” However, now that there is some weight at stake, Clarke recognises the potential. “I suppose someone might despair if they are trying to win a medal, but I would never do that,” she said.

“You have to be competitive, but you can’t be too aggressive because you will make mistakes. And that’s the beauty of cross country. You can go from first to fourth in a moment or vice versa.”

In that sense, it’s similar to speedway, although the International Olympic Committee (IOC), in its obsession with being at the level of children, wants it to be the aquatic equivalent of BMX, skateboarding or snowboard cross. And, of course, if heroes and villains appear, it could be all of those and more.

As exciting as it is to watch in person, it was made for television and for sitting on the couch and cheering, making faces, and holding the pillow to your eyes while giggling.

Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 3 months with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.