Joe Biden is the meat of the MAGA sandwich: his 46th presidency is nestled uncomfortably between two hearty slices of Donaldough.
It’s been nearly four years since Trump reluctantly left the White House, but when the two sat together for the traditional handover in the Oval Office on Wednesday, they got along like old friends.
Slap Happy Joe smiled widely and whispered, “Welcome home,” as Donald “The Legacy Destroyer” expressed his gratitude for such a warm reception. At least, that’s what all the cameras captured.
I imagine those weren’t the only words they exchanged. In fact, the two men reportedly spoke for another two hours in private. Perhaps the conversation went something like this:
Biden: You know, I voted for you, right? Did you see me with your hat?
Triumph: Yes, you and everyone else. But why did you keep calling me Hitler? That wasn’t nice at all, Sleepy Joe.
Biden: Words! Are you sensitive to nicknames? And I never called you Hitler; That was Kamala. Let’s just say I’m not with her!
Biden laughs, coughs and falls face down from his chair.
It’s been nearly four years since Trump reluctantly left the White House, but when the two sat together for the traditional handover in the Oval Office on Wednesday, they got along like old friends.
Just then, Dr. Jill Biden enters the Oval Office, dressed in her best blood red Lady Macbeth suit.
He places Biden in his seat and begins to speak.
Dr. Jill: Just remember, Donald, Joe was your best substitute! Let’s not forget who opened America’s borders and flooded the country with illegal immigrants. “Thank you” would be nice. How about we give Joe and I a nice, comfortable embassy, so we can spend our retirements in style?
Biden: I heard Ukraine is nice and Hunter has a lot of friends there.
Jill pushes Joe to the ground.
Triumph: Sorry, guys. I have some more pressing matters on my agenda, like firing the entire federal bureaucracy, ending wars with the snap of a finger, and naming a super-hot press secretary. Priorities!
Suddenly, Hunter Biden bursts into the room.
Hunter: Daaaaad, I thought we were going to play ball with my Romanian friends!!??
Biden: No, hunter. I told him: ‘They’re going to catch you with your Romanian friends. Now tell the Chinese that you will not visit Beijing again.
Hunter: Excuse me, Mr. Trump. Can I get a pardon?
Biden: Yes, Don. Do you forgive my boy?
Triumph: I don’t think so, no.
Biden: You are a Nazi!
Hunter: You are trash!
Dr. Jill: Now guys, let’s all agree that there’s only one person we all really hate.
Biden: Nancy Pelosi!
Dr. Jill: No, Joe. Try again.
‘Kamala’, everyone shouts.
Dr. Jill: That’s how it is. Ever since she called Joe a racist, I got mad at her. At least I won’t have to hug her creepy husband anymore: he always tries to kiss me on the lips.
Just then, Dr. Jill Biden enters the Oval Office, dressed in her best blood red Lady Macbeth suit.
Jill reaches into her purse and pulls out a letter addressed to Melania Trump.
Dr. Jill: I’m so sorry you pretend… I mean, pretty… wife couldn’t be here today, Donald. I really wanted to serve him arsenic tea. I wrote him a little note. Can you hand it to me?
Triumph: Oh Jill, that’s so sweet! What does it say?
Dr. Jill: Well, I know Melania is multilingual, so I wrote a translation of ‘Fuck You’ in five languages, including Slovak.
Triumph: It’s been great to catch up. Joe, you look worse than I thought. Hunter, pack your bags because you’re going to Gitmo. I’ll have handsome Pete Hegseth prepare the transfer paperwork.
Someone knocks on the door to the Oval Office and it opens.
Biden: Hulk Hogan! What are you doing here?
Triumph: Meet the new Attorney General!
Life is a beach!
This weekend was truly ‘Dead Man Walking’ when Lame Duck Doddering Joe nearly fell over the kettle while fighting loose sand next to his Rehoboth beach house.
Frustrated First Lady Jill worked overtime to prevent him from standing up. But why did she let her lame husband embarrass himself in front of the cameras?
It was the perfect metaphor for a Democratic election campaign that was ill-conceived and painful to watch.
(Although it’s not as painful as when Biden appears to kiss his sister Valerie – on the mouth! – at a Veterans Day ceremony honoring his late son Beau. Ouch.)
It’s not as painful as Biden appearing to kiss his sister Valerie… on the mouth! – at a Veterans Day ceremony honoring his late son Beau. Oh!
Fears for Ariana
My sympathies are with Ariana Grande, as the waify singer seems to shrink into an increasingly diminutive diva.
Sure, she seemed thrilled to show off her co-star and hobbit lover Ethan Slater at the ‘Wicked’ premiere in Los Angeles on Saturday.
But bleached eyebrows and sunken features don’t look good on anyone.
She may have questionable taste in men, but someone needs to buy this girl a tasty sandwich, stat.
My sympathies are with Ariana Grande, as the waify singer seems to shrink into an increasingly diminutive diva.
fool 4b
The strange new ‘4B’ movement of unhinged girls wasn’t exactly on my 2024 bingo card.
But there’s something pretty hilarious about the emotionally unstable leftist ladies who are now booing Trump’s victory, blaming men, and swearing off sex for life.
Don’t tell these Kamala-loving misandrists, but they are guilty of cultural appropriation (the anti-patriarchal 4B trend originated in Korea).
The most radical of the movement are even shaving their heads in protest, making themselves ugly to make some kind of point.
There is an obvious advantage. The red-blooded boys now know who to stay away from. And, for the less hysterical women among us, it leaves the dating pool a little less crowded.
Winning smile?
You know who looks cool? Our relieved vice president, fresh from a week of defeats, laughed Saturday with her great-nieces and a large glass of wine.
Where were these simple, happy lifestyle photos a few weeks ago? Whisper it, but with her messy bun and college sweatshirt, this carefree Kamala looks almost sympathetic.
You know who looks cool? Our relieved vice president, fresh from a week of defeats, laughed Saturday with her great-nieces and a large glass of wine.
Shame presidency
Meanwhile, Kamala’s former communications director, Jamal Simmons, is pleading with Biden to resign within a month so his former boss can remain the first female president.
One astute X user compared the absurd idea to a ‘Make a Wish Presidency’. But fear not, at this point I think Joe would rather kiss his own sister than further aid Kamala’s boastful ambitions. Oh wait…
drew the line
Prison influencer Martha Stewart spoke for us all when she rejected Drew Barrymore’s advances on live television this week.
Lisping Drew’s Touch Me More performances might be a desperate attempt to bring attention to his tired talk show, but they’re becoming downright deranged.
After asking, “What makes you soft and sticky?”, Drew suggestively sucked his finger and caressed Martha’s arms.
Unperturbed, Martha backed away, as she should have done with her stockbroker in 2001.