Can you pinpoint the moment when your lust for your partner died? That’s the question I asked a representative sample of people.
There are many ways to physically push your partner away: heavy smoking, weight gain, poor hygiene habits, wearing horrible, shapeless clothes.
“I saw her walking down the street toward me and thought, ‘God, that woman is not attractive,’ then I realized she was my wife,” said one deeply unhappy married man.
But it’s just as easy to put your partner off through your behavior.
‘I used to be very fun and positive. Now he is bitter and critical and that depresses me,’ reported an equally unhappy woman.
What happens when you stop liking your partner? Tracey Cox talks to people who feel the spark has gone out in their relationships (file image)
THE MOMENT I STOP LIKED HER: MEN REVEAL EVERYTHING
Society would have us believe that men complain primarily about appearance, but also about how their partner makes them feel outstanding just as often.
When she got too fat to imagine
“She’s gotten so fat that she’s crushed any desire I’ve ever had for her. One night I walked into the bedroom and found her lying on the bed in lace underwear, trying to look sexy, and it was the worst moment of my life.
‘Tiny underwear isn’t going to cut it when you’re five kilos overweight. I felt embarrassed for her and angry because I expected her to overlook the huge weight gain.’
When I realized I hated my penis
“I was joking while we were doing the dishes and I took out my penis as a joke. The look on his face devastated me.
“She looked simultaneously horrified and disgusted. I guess her first thought was, ‘Oh no! He wants sex.’ I didn’t like seeing that, but I can deal with it.
But seeing his nose wrinkle in disgust at the sight of my genitals, that finished me off. I will never initiate sex with her again, which means sex will never happen again.
When she became disheveled
‘My wife was sexy and she knew it. She was wearing tight jeans with high boots, she has great breasts and a great butt and she showed them off.
‘But when he turned 40, everything changed. She’s gained a few pounds (which has only made her sexier in my eyes, but she hates it) and her clothes are becoming baggier and more frumpy.
“I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, but it hasn’t made any difference. I get embarrassed when we go out with other couples.
‘Her friends still wear things that show off their bodies, why not her? She cut her hair and stopped wearing makeup. If she’s doing all this to make me stop wanting to have sex with her, it’s working.’
When his humiliations became too much
‘We had fun together and had a lot of sex at the beginning. But clearly I haven’t lived up to expectations. Twelve years later, his nickname for me is “stupid” and he finds it funny to put me down in front of his friends.
‘She has told me many times that I was punching above my weight when I managed to pull her. She destroyed my self-esteem and we haven’t had sex in years.
“I would be scared if she suggested it to me now: it would be some trick, some way to humiliate me again.”
When she became lazy
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“One day I saw her lying on the couch for 12 hours straight, watching shit on TV. She only moved to get junk food.
“He is interested in nothing more than sucking in pathetic romantic comedies: he doesn’t care about the state of the world, he has no political vision or conversation.
‘I prepare all the meals and do all the housework and she never thanks me for anything. The sex slowed down years ago, but the thought of touching her now repulses me.
When I realized that she didn’t enjoy sex at all.
“She was giving me a handjob and I looked in the mirror and saw her face. She looked grim – she couldn’t wait for me to finish and for everything to be over. It was clearly a big task for her.
‘When we have sex, she doesn’t complain or give any signs that she’s enjoying it. She doesn’t even pretend to like her.
‘It’s like I’m masturbating inside her, not making love to someone who wants me. Now I DIY most of the time.’
When you stopped trying new things
‘What hope do you have of staying interested in sex long term if you never try new things? We used to tie ourselves up and use sex toys.
‘She would ride me and perform oral sex on me when I least expected it. All that disappeared. She is constantly tired. When we have sex, she just wants it “the usual way.”
“That means she lies down, I do the foreplay, and then we have sex for three minutes. It’s so boring it doesn’t bother me.
When we have a dog
‘The moment he brought a puppy home, his attention shifted from me to the dog. His life has been adapted to suit all of his needs.
“We used to make love in the morning on the weekends, but now she’s up and walking the dog. When I ask her to come back to bed, they put the dog in bed with us and she laughs when he growls and tries” join”.
‘If the dog is on the ground he stares at us, which is totally unpleasant, but she refuses to let him outside. ‘He sounds mean and I like the dog too, but he’s destroyed our sex life.’
THE MOMENT I STOP AFFECTING ME: WOMEN CONFESS EVERYTHING
The response of the women was equally varied, although discomfort with having sexual relations and resentment because he did not do his part at home were common.
When he became too much of a best friend
‘I love my husband. He is my best friend and a brilliant father. Sex, naturally, disappeared once we had children. I loved having sex with him, but now it feels awkward and weird, like I’m having sex with my brother.
‘Maybe we went too long without sex when our babies were born. “I just don’t see him as a person I should have sex with anymore.”
When sex started to disgust me
“He’s always had a higher libido, but we used to find a good compromise. Lately, however, sex has started to disgust me.
‘I can’t explain why, I just have the ‘ick’. The idea of sex seems strange to me. I look at her penis and want to laugh: it looks ridiculous.
‘The thought of putting it in my mouth or on my body makes me shudder. I’m 26, this shouldn’t be happening and my marriage will end if I don’t fix it.’
When he became a sexual pest
‘It’s like I’m permanently horny. I hug him and he takes it as a sign that I want sex. He kissed him affectionately and he began to grope me.
‘I used to enjoy sex, but what woman wants it every day or three times a day?’ It is very unpleasant when you are constantly bothered about something.
“It doesn’t seem like a compliment anymore. He doesn’t want sex with me, he just wants sex.
When you stopped caring about my pleasure
‘Our sex was always one-sided: about her orgasms, never about mine. But I didn’t realize how selfish I was until I started suffering from vaginal dryness.
‘It’s made sex really painful for me. I talked to him about this but I barely noticed it.
‘Foreplay doesn’t exist yet and sex is still a matter of intercourse. I fear it and I’m starting to hate it for forcing me to have it.
When your personal habits became unbearable
‘When my friends say that their husbands have gotten carried away, it makes me want to laugh. My husband brings new meaning to that term.
‘His stomach is so big he can’t tie his shoes. He wears the same shirt for days, picking his nose, burping, breathing, all while he’s sitting next to me.
“He thinks it’s funny and endearing, but it disgusts me. He wonders why I pretend to be asleep when he comes to bed. Who would want to sleep with someone like that?”
When I realized that his technique was terrible.
“I still love him, but he’s a terrible lover – his technique is terrible. I’ve spent six years trying to teach him how to turn me on and make me climax, but he still can’t do it.
‘Now we use a vibrator to “finish me off”, but the reality is that I’m not remotely turned on until that vibrator is turned on. It’s the beginning, the middle and the end.’
when he had an affair
‘It was with a woman I worked with, and it was so obvious that even our teenage children noticed. He brought her to our house as a “friend” and couldn’t stop looking at her and congratulating her.
‘The children sensed something was wrong and when they said they didn’t like him, he became angrier than ever. I asked him directly if he was having an affair but he denied it until a friend saw them kissing outside the office.
‘That was two years ago. He’s over and very sexed up, but he’s not willing to initiate sex with me. He now he knows that will never happen.
When I realized it doesn’t do anything to help.
‘Every woman I know is secretly furious at her husband. My partner never has time to “help” me around the house, but he always finds time to go out with his friends.
‘We both work in demanding jobs, but I am expected to do everything just because I am a woman. I am exhausted at the end of the day; He is relaxing after a night with his feet up, watching TV.
“I want to punch him in the face when he tries to initiate sex, without even asking why I reject him.”
Check out Tracey’s two product ranges, Supersex and Edge, at lovehoney.com. Listen to their podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, wherever you find your podcasts.