Paula Froelich is a NewsNation senior story editor and New York Times bestselling author
Rome had Nero.
The United States has the Peacock executives.
The concupiscent geniuses behind mainstream porn like Love Island and Temptation Island (was Epstein Island taken over?) have introduced an exciting new offering to the softcore porn genre: Couple to Throuple.
Like the show’s contestants, the title gives it away too easily.
Here’s the premise: four ‘sex-positive’ (read: licentious) couples gather in a tropical paradise to experiment with alternative lifestyles, while desperately horny singles compete to join them in a tripod of early childhood trauma, aka the throuple.
Think: Flavor Flav meets The Bachelor with more loungers. And like Couple to Throuple’s reality show predecessors, each contestant uses the same slang.
Everyone is in a journey. Everyone is looking for a Connection and Good energy. And everyone swears that the correct reasons.
Six episodes into the 10-show series, I felt like my soul had contracted chlamydia and I needed Valtrex for my eyes.
Here’s the premise: four ‘sex-positive’ (read: licentious) couples gather in a tropical paradise to experiment with alternative lifestyles, while desperately horny singles compete to join them in a tripod of early childhood trauma, aka the throuple.
Six episodes into the 10-show series, I felt like my soul had contracted chlamydia and I needed Valtrex for my eyes.
Now, before we continue, let me be clear: I have nothing against consenting adults choosing who and how many partners they want. My motto is: if it doesn’t hurt anyone, what’s the problem?
I’m also a devout fan of the genre.
Nothing beats Love Island: Australia (season one). The winner was a greasy charmer named Grant Crapp. His name, his neck tattoos, and his good ‘bantah’ told you everything you needed to know about this young bachelor, who may or may not have had a girlfriend waiting at home all the time.
Spoiler alert: he did it!
It’s a lot of fun, but then there’s this abomination: a diabolical combination of the most basic tricks in the category. He’s the Jerry Springer of dating shows.
The first episode begins in a sandy nirvana (a random beach in Panama), as a voice intones: ‘If you were given the chance to be non-monogamy in paradise, what would you do?’ Has monogamy been holding us back?
Good question. A thousand years of cultural monogamy in Western civilization may have an answer to that, but it goes on…
Couple to Throuple is hosted by a guy with a permanent smile called Scott Evans (who plays a gong to signal scene changes) and a ‘sex expert’ Shamyra Howard, the Dr. Drew of sexperting.
Of course, anyone who really wants to explore sexuality and help others heal probably wouldn’t do it on television, but there’s always the paycheck.
Then, they introduce us to our partners, who want to become a couple.
Couple to Throuple is hosted by a guy with a permanent smile called Scott Evans (who plays a gong to signal scene changes) and ‘sex expert’ Shamyra Howard (above), the Dr. Drew of sexperting.
This abomination: a diabolical combination of the most basic tricks in the category. He’s the Jerry Springer of dating shows.
There’s the gay couple, Ashmal and Rehman (Ashmal: ‘I’m bisexual and Rehman is tri-anything sexual!’); the amateur bodybuilding couple, Dylan and Lauren (Dylan: ‘We’re already married but we want others to feel our love’); the African American couple Sean and Brittne, who have no chemistry and are there, so, according to Sean, “maybe Brittne can stop talking too much and have a best friend.” No wonder they’re looking for a third!
And there are the married Burning Man dropouts, Corey and Wilder (in case you’re confused: Corey is the woman. Wilder has a porn mustache and a faux mullet).
Corey has “trust issues” since Wilder cheated on her and tried to join a couple without her when she was in the bathroom at a party.
Tomato, Tomahto.
This time she’s in charge! She will be there when the action happens!
Shortly after, we meet the lab rats (I mean, single).
‘Bring out the beauties!’ shouts an off-camera emcee.
A long line of technically handsome and enhanced men and women enter the pool area in various stages of undress.
Everyone is excited.
Ashmal (while staring at a man’s bulging crotch with budgie smugglers) notes, “He looked like Thor and the hammer was right there.”
Lest you think Ashmal was just looking for something physical and showing some discernment, he adds: “We’re from Chicago; gay people in L.A. have some kind of reputation.”
Corey and Wilder interview potential partners as follows: ‘Do you climb rocks? Chef’s kiss! She’s a weirdo like a Scorpio… I’m a Leo (chef’s kiss!)
Sean and Brittney have equally deep conversations with their potential partners.
‘Have you heard that the earth has different chakra points? Joshua Tree is one!’
Brittne: ‘That’s deep. Sean has seen spirits. Have the? ‘
‘Definitely’
‘Bring out the beauties!’ shouts an off-camera emcee. (Above) Lina Chang, a professional relationship designer, is one of the 14 singles on Couple To Throuple.
African-American couple Sean and Brittne (above, group) who have no chemistry and are there, so, according to Sean, “maybe Brittne can stop talking too much and have a best friend.” looking for a third!
Corey and Wilder (above) interview potential partners as follows: ‘Do you climb rocks? Chef’s kiss! She’s a weirdo like a Scorpio… I’m a Leo (chef’s kiss!)
Brittne: ‘Let’s vibe.’
Couples make their decisions and immediately go to bed. Potential partners say something like, “We feel like we already know you!”
Moans, groans, and sweating off the sheet follow, all captured on grainy surveillance video.
What follows next is… obvious.
Here we are, in a world of ill-advised tattoos, fast fashion, spray tans and banana hammocks where bad decisions are de rigueur.
But don’t confuse this show with a simple excuse to broadcast an orgiastic sex game, there are deeply disturbing emotional crises as well.
There are tears as the “trust” built over two wet nights in the sack is broken (wait until they get the doctor’s bill!).
Couples split up (although not enough IMHO), jealousy arises and naturally there is the desperation of not wanting to be abandoned at the final ‘Stay or Trade Ceremony’.
Even if the single contestants can’t stand the people they’re up against, the thought of not being chosen by two losers is too overwhelming for our beauties.
There is shame, sadness and existential fear.
Moans, groans, and sweating off the sheet follow, all captured on grainy surveillance video. What follows next is… obvious. (Above) Corey and the Bachelor, Denyse
Don’t confuse this show with a simple excuse to broadcast an orgiastic sex game, there are deeply disturbing emotional crises as well.
At the culmination of the first ‘Stay or Trade’ ceremony, one of the contestants who was not chosen mutters: ‘Maybe I dodged a bullet?’
To which I can only say: ‘Yes. Yes, you did it.’
In the last episode, there is a twist: a new couple is introduced during the Garden of Eden party.
Host Sean: ‘This is not the real Eden – there is no forbidden fruit here!
Maximo, a flamboyant gay man from Bushwick and Ash, his lesbian ex-lover: ‘We’re from Bushwick, New York and our love throws gender norms out the window!’
(It doesn’t make sense. But no one cares.)
Just before this sick chapter ends, Máximo and Ash are given the choice of facing a third party: alone or broken!
A melodrama. The suspense is No killing me.
There isn’t enough penicillin in the world to last the rest of this series.
And so, as the world burns and America faces a geriatric election defeat in adult diapers, 10 idiots decide whether to stick with the idiot next to them or add another idiot to their mess.
I prefer to watch the news.