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As a psychotherapist and relationship counselor, I know many women who are struggling to repair a broken relationship after their partner has been caught cheating and the question I am often asked is, “Should I have spotted the signs?” and ‘What should I have been looking for?’
It’s not the deceived person’s responsibility to become a detective, but being completely in the dark can make you feel shocked and embarrassed, and it’s easy to berate yourself for not realizing what was going on.
Psychotherapy and relationship counselor Charlotte Fox Weber reveals how to spot a cheater
The bitter truth is that some men are master deceivers who go to great lengths to make sure they don’t give themselves away. Maybe you’ve been too trusting, too worried about work or young children, or maybe you didn’t want to believe he could be anything other than totally loyal.
Nowadays, it is rarely the obvious clues that trigger the first warnings (the smell of an unknown fragrance, a stranger’s earring in your bed, or long blonde hair on your neck…), but you must trust in your intuition. If he suspects something is wrong, he could be right, and if he is alert and observant he could detect much more subtle signs that, without him realizing it, could be giving him away. Keep reading to find out what they are.
Be careful with the bathroom board
Your partner could be cheating on you if he runs straight to the shower as soon as he gets home.
If he heads straight to the bathroom or shower without greeting you when he gets home, he may want to calm his guilty conscience and pull himself together before confronting you. Likewise, it could be your chance to eliminate another woman’s scent.
Suddenly angry about ‘manscaping’
Don’t worry too much about a pre-holiday grooming, but be on the lookout for a new cut, shave or waxing of body hair for no apparent reason and without having previously discussed the transformation with you.
Changing your sex life
A sudden lack of interest in sex on your husband’s part should set alarm bells ringing in your mind.
Be alert for a decreased desire to have sex or excuses to avoid making love at times that might have become routine. Also keep an eye out for any unexpected changes in your sexual prowess: If you start using positions and techniques that were never part of your repertoire as a couple before, you could be learning (and practicing) them somewhere else.
Flaky about future plans
When you’re talking about an upcoming vacation, a family wedding, a move, getting a puppy and your previously forward-thinking partner seems empty and disconnected, it could indicate that a man has already abandoned his relationship and is uncomfortable thinking about it. their future together. . It could also be a sign of depression, so don’t jump to conclusions based on this sign alone.
He stops trusting you
When a man gets distracted by another woman (whether from a crush or a full-blown affair), he can turn the tables and make you feel like you can’t be trusted. He might seem jealous or suspicious of your behavior even if you’re not doing anything out of the ordinary or refusing to divulge secrets you may have discussed previously.
Avoid eye contact
He may avoid looking you directly in the eyes, as if he has something serious to hide from you.
Be careful with hesitant eye contact. There’s something about the shame and secrecy of an affair that makes it difficult for many men (though not all) to continue behaving completely normally with their partner. Pay attention if you feel a visceral change in how things feel when you’re together, especially if your partner seems distant and disconnected and has difficulty looking you in the eyes.
he gets uncomfortable
Some men are excellent at lying and can navigate the complexity of living a double life without leaving even the slightest clue, but most will unconsciously err on the side of a fragile narrative. When he tells you a story about what he’s been doing, look for signs that he’s uncomfortable or agitated when you ask him for more details.
Why so much interest in helping?
The guy who’s never walked the dog volunteers to go for a late-night walk around the block? Does he stay a little longer in his car after getting home from work? Offer to go to stores where he had never made the effort before? This could mean that he is looking for alone time for a phone call.
Overprotective of your phone
One of the main signs of a cheater is being glued to their phone, even taking it to the bathroom.
The other thing to keep in mind regarding your phone? Pay attention if he starts taking him to the bathroom, never leaving him unattended or reacting forcefully if you pick him up. He may be hiding a porn habit, but he could also be afraid that you will discover indiscreet and incriminating messages or emails.
Too sanctimonious?
Don’t dismiss it if your man feels inexplicably uncomfortable engaging in a conversation about relationships, whether it’s yours or anyone else’s. If he is cheating, this might be too close for comfort and you might be worried that he will give himself away without knowing it. Alternatively, you could try to deflect him by becoming unusually fair about “good” relationships, lecturing about disloyalty, and appearing dismayed by another person’s infidelity.
…And this is what to do about it
If you catch your partner having an affair, it can be devastating, but many couples recover.
If you deeply suspect that your partner or husband is having an affair, you could become a super detective looking for confirmation or you could choose to accept the situation and avoid confrontation. It’s good to know that couples recover from infidelity all the time, and if you value your relationship, your best option is to tell him your suspicions and ask him (gently) if they are founded.
If you want to save your relationship, a calm approach is best. Things aren’t always what they seem (his deception could be because he’s hiding financial stress) and even if he’s contemplating or even having an affair, you can try to work on finding a way through it together if you want.
As told to Louise Atkinson
@charlottefoxweberpsychotherapy
