Olympic champion Ian Thorpe has spoken publicly for the first time about how a single, irregular drug test nearly drove him to suicide and plunged him into a deep depression.
The 41-year-old swimming legend has shared personal struggles with his mental health and sexuality in a new book called Profiles In Hope by former NSW Liberal leader John Brogden, which includes in-depth interviews with 14 other high-profile Australians.
In the book, Thorpe reveals for the first time the devastating cost to French newspaper L’Equipe of publishing a leak that revealed he had been given an irregular drug test a few years earlier.
The test recorded that Thorpe had elevated levels of testosterone and luteinizing hormone in a single sample.
The legendary athlete obtained medical evidence that cleared his name (the substances were of natural origin) and sued the newspaper.
But at the time the revelation was so devastating that she did not want to leave her house, feeling that mental health issues needed to be resolved personally and contemplating taking her own life and writing it off as an accident.
“It’s not unusual for irregular testing to occur. It happens. That’s why no one should know that information in the first place,” he told Brogden.
“A flawed test means nothing. A flawed test is discarded.”
It was one of the many pressures Thorpe experienced throughout his athletic career.
At 14, Thorpe believed she did not deserve to compete at the World Championships, wondered if winning the same tournament at 15 was a “fluke”, and felt increasing pressure at 17 to win gold at the Sydney Olympics.
Ian Thorpe (pictured in 2023) spoke openly about his mental health in a book by former Liberal MP John Brogden
Ian Thorpe was 17 when he won five gold medals at the 2000 Sydney Olympics (pictured)
“People just assumed there hadn’t been a result yet. I was in the shop with my mum and people were saying to me: ‘We’ve got tickets for the Olympics, we can’t wait to see you win your first gold medal,'” she said.
“I couldn’t escape that part. Then more and more publicity started to build. I was surrounded by it.”
Sexuality in the spotlight
Thorpe won five gold medals, making him the most successful athlete at the 2000 Games, and said he was well prepared to be an Olympic champion but was not ready for the fame and publicity that came with it.
At the age of 16, a journalist asked him directly: “Are you gay?”
He later learned that the journalist had been threatened with losing his job if he did not ask the question, but Thorpe panicked at the time because he did not know and responded by saying, “Well, you know me.”
After the Sydney Olympics, speculation about his sexuality continued, so he decided not to share those details at all.
“I thought, ‘No, no, fuck it. I’m not going to leave this in the hands of someone who has made my life a living hell. Who has pushed me and incited me to do this. I’m not going to reward this behavior,'” she recalled.
“And so the more pressure they put on me, the more I moved away from it… Learning to accept my sexuality became even more difficult than it would have been otherwise.”
In April 2014, when Thorpe was 31, he had a series of shoulder operations due to an injury, fell into a depressive state and ended up in intensive care with a staph infection.
He told Brogden: “I can’t swim. I’ve had shoulder surgery. Mechanically I can’t swim. I can catch waves, but I can’t swim lengths.”
“I don’t talk about it very often because everyone gets so angry. People get sad. People feel sorry for me. And I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.”
Ian Thorpe came out as gay in an interview with the late Sir Michael Parkinson in 2014 (pictured together)
Ian Thorpe suggested to Parkinson that he ask him if he was gay (pictured together during the interview)
Months after his health battle, he opened up to his family and friends and decided to go public because he felt like he had “come out of the closet” and didn’t want to go back in.
In July 2014 he had an interview with Parkinson, the British television presenter and host, and decided to take the opportunity to tell the world that he was gay.
“I spent a few days with Parky and his family before I did that interview in the UK. We went to watch a cricket match and had a family dinner at the pub just down the road. It was great. He got to know me a bit,” he said.
‘Two days before the interview I told him: ‘You should ask me if I’m gay, because I’m going to tell you I am.’
Due to the time difference, Thorpe was asleep when the show aired in Australia.
She woke up to overwhelming support from her loved ones and many hateful messages from strangers, some of whom were in the queer community.
“It’s quite strange because I don’t know the particular circumstances of others. I grew up in a conservative Christian family, which makes it more difficult,” she said.
“There were many factors that influenced my decision. That’s why people shouldn’t be pressured to come out.”
‘Profiles in Hope’ is written by former NSW Liberal opposition leader John Brogden (pictured) and published by Hatchette. Brogden, the former chairman of Lifeline, committed a very public suicide attempt after disparaging the wife of NSW Premier Bob Carr, calling her a “mail order bride”.
The irregular drug test
Thorpe said he was in severe depression after the irregular drug test claim left him struggling to save his reputation.
“In that state, you are completely irrational, your logic is distorted. Only in periods when you have mental clarity, when your mental health is good, can you reflect on things and say, ‘Well, I could have done this,'” he said.
“I realized that what I was doing wasn’t working and that I needed help. So I sought it out and, although I was still in a long-term depressive state, I got better. I wasn’t on the verge of suicide.”
Thorpe now leads a private life and says he is happy.
To manage her mental health, she writes in a journal, does breathing exercises and knows what signs to look out for.
“If I don’t show up to do the things I enjoy, or if I stop doing them, that’s a sign. I like to cook, so if I stop cooking and ordering food, am I just lazy or is there something going on?” he said.
“Sometimes I’m really lazy. It’s just that I know when I have to test myself.”
For confidential crisis assistance, please contact Lifeline at 13 11 14