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Sex is one of the most vulnerable things you can do with another person.
And maintaining a good sexual relationship requires extreme vulnerability, so communication is essential. A sense of humor is also a good thing.
So whether you’re sharing your fantasies, trying to work through libido issues, or dealing with infidelity (yours or theirs), talk! It’s hot.
But what are the reasons why people cheat?
Not everyone shares the same definition of cheating. Does flirting count? What about pornography? I have personal opinions, but that doesn’t matter. It’s up to you. What really matters is that you and your partner agree on what constitutes cheating.
Maintaining a good sexual relationship requires extreme vulnerability, so communication is key. A sense of humor doesn’t hurt either.
That’s why I highly recommend talking about infidelity very early in the relationship. I see many couples who come to my office because they were too afraid to talk about it.
So stop what you’re doing, look at your cute, cuddly guy, and ask him, “What do you think is considered cheating, and how can we agree in the future?”
And also! Don’t cheat. Cheating sucks.
Let’s go over some common reasons why you might want to cheat and what to do about it before you cross any uncrossable lines.
1. You don’t feel sexually satisfied.
It would be much less catastrophic if you talked about getting your sexual needs met instead of doing the mental gymnastics required to allow yourself to cheat on your partner.
2. You feel like you have no power in the relationship.
If you feel the urge to cheat on your partner and you’re not quite sure why, take a step back and try to ask yourself if you feel like the relationship has an equal distribution of power and autonomy. If not, you may be trying to make up for it by cheating on your partner.
3. You are experiencing your “true self” with another person.
This is the most common reason I see among my clients. When you are with another person (someone you are also attracted to) and you are able to express a version of yourself in that person’s presence and not with your partner, you may start to feel like you want to have sex with them. I encourage you to tell your partner that you want to be more authentic in the relationship so that you can fulfill that need without jeopardizing your future.
4. You think you deserve it
This is an example that borders on grandiosity with a hint of narcissism. That said, most of us have at least a little of this energy within us. It’s our job to rein in this little narcissistic whiner within and remind ourselves that while we may feel like we’re the main character in a world that revolves solely around us, our actions have consequences and it’s not okay to hurt those closest to us.
Many couples are able to overcome infidelity, so although it may seem like the end, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Jeff Therapy recommends talking about infidelity very early in a relationship, and communication is HOT
5. You feel like you have unmet emotional needs
Feeling like you’re being noticed by someone who FINALLY meets your emotional needs is a huge turn-on. But you know what would be even cooler? If you gave your partner the chance to meet your emotional needs.
6. You think the relationship is “pretty much over”
Unless it’s really over, it’s not over. Period.
What if you’ve been scammed?
In my experience, many couples are able to move on from infidelity, so don’t automatically feel like you “have” to end the relationship.
To help you decide, ask yourself the following questions:
1. How does my partner feel about his or her actions? Has he or she shown genuine remorse and taken responsibility?
2. Is my partner able to express what led him or her to do this?
3. Is this a one-time error or a recurring pattern of behavior?
4. How has this infidelity affected my self-esteem and personal worth? Do I stay with them out of love or out of fear of being alone?
5. To what extent do I allow my friends and family to influence how I feel or what I should do about the betrayal? How will it change the dynamics of our relationship in the future? Am I okay with that?
6. Is this relationship still aligned with my personal values and boundaries?
7. Do I feel capable of truly forgiving them and moving on from this? Am I willing to do the hard work of rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship?
8. What do I need to feel safe again?
In short, sex is incredibly vulnerable and fraught with a ton of complexities.
Remember that you are not alone and there are many resources available to help you overcome any difficulties you may have on your sexual journey. Like a giant, colorful tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes (IYKYK), it’s never too late to change.
Unequal desire
This is an incredibly common challenge. One of you wants to have sex and the other isn’t in the mood? Welcome to a relationship! It’s something that almost everyone will have to deal with at some point or another.
Whether you’re the high-libido partner or not, and whether your desire is uneven, it’s especially important to recognize that each person has their own pros and cons. Open communication and empathy when discussing these differences is incredibly important.
If you can foster an atmosphere of safety and trust in your relationship, you’ll be able to brainstorm together and create environments that foster intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction for both of you, while respecting each other’s desires and boundaries.
Here’s how to get through periods of uneven desire.
1. Normalize the discrepancy: Understand that it is completely normal for couples to experience differences in desire levels. Recognize that desire can fluctuate over time and vary from person to person. Don’t panic and don’t judge anyone.
Be flexible and creative: Be open to trying new things and experimenting with different sexual experiences, Jeff advises.
2. Foster emotional intimacy: Strengthen your emotional connection by spending quality time together, engaging in activities you both enjoy, and practicing empathy and understanding. Emotional intimacy helps create a safe environment to explore your sexual relationship, and sometimes that’s a big turn-on!
3. Explore non-sexual touch: Incorporate physical contact, hugs, and affectionate behaviors that aren’t necessarily sexual in nature. It may seem counterintuitive, but this can help create a sense of intimacy and closeness, regardless of differing levels of desire.
4. Be flexible and creative: Be open to trying new things and experimenting with different sexual experiences. This can help you discover shared interests and find new ways to enjoy physical intimacy together, even if your desire levels aren’t identical. What’s your fetish? Don’t have one? Do a Google search or ask an AI bot to list a bunch of them and see which one you like best (sorry).
5. Seek professional help: If you find that the discrepancy in desire is causing significant distress or conflict in your relationship, consider seeking guidance from a qualified sex therapist or counselor.
Taken from Great energy for dating:How to create lasting love through contact with your authentic self by Jeff Guenther and Kate Happ, published by Voracious.