About every six months, social media crowns a new animal-type companion. Late last year, you may remember that the ‘Golden Retriever’ was the most popular type out there. Because? Because Taylor Swift had one in the form of bouncy American footballer Travis Kelce.
In fact, he still has it, which is typical of the Golden Retriever type. They’re super loyal and won’t abandon you for anything (except maybe the occasional 22-yard touchdown pass).
There’s a new must-have mammal this summer: the ‘hot rodent’, and this guy wouldn’t know one end of a football. Rodent studied theater at school while the Retrievers were on the sports field, but what he lacks in muscles he makes up for in endearingly extravagant outfits that only occasionally need to be vetoed before leaving the house.
However, the retriever and the rodent are not the only pairing species. What’s that? No idea which one is yours? So you need to rectify this gap in your cultural knowledge immediately. Keep reading…
golden retriever
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Travis Kelce, and if you have no idea who Travis is, think Joey from Friends. To sound like Generation Z when talking about this at dinner parties, note that the man in question has “big GR energy.”
Revealing behaviors
It runs alongside your train as it leaves the station (GR is a health and safety officer’s nightmare) and wanders in aimless circles if you lose it at the John Lewis haberdashery.
According to TikTok, GR loves to tie your shoelaces without being asked. Although infuriating, it’s GR’s way of showing affection, so maybe switch to ballet flats while he’s in his lacing phase.
rottweiler /German shepherd
Poster boy David Beckham, who of course also has “high GR energy”, so he’s probably actually a German Shepherd.
Revealing behaviors
Rottweilers are wary of social situations because they can cause them to bite, and when a Rottweiler bites, you scold him, which makes him sad. Whether a Rottweiler or German Shepherd is a little less scary depends on how seriously you take your role as protector. If your response to a waiter helping you with your coat is “Hands where I can see them, buddy,” then you’re totally RW: think 1990s Russell Crowe.
hot rodent
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Kieran Culkin.
According to a recent Dazed article, rodents “are often not conventionally attractive, but this only makes them more attractive.” Many TikTokers also point out the Challengers co-stars Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist (two-thirds of the film’s now-famous “group”) as such examples.
Revealing behaviors
Despite his appeal, Rodent is undeniably strange, even chaotic, and can go off on unexpected tangents with little to no warning. No one cares, however, because he weighs less than four kilos and is wearing a knit tank top.
reptiles
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Timothée Chalamet, of course.
There are plenty of Reptile/Rodent crosses: both are the antithesis of toxic masculinity, angular, and (at least for the celebrity variety) highly unlikely to be photographed leaving a gym.
Revealing behaviors
The key difference between Reptile and Rodent is visual rather than behavioral in that Reptile is classically attractive, meaning that statements of its attractiveness never have to include the addendum “but it’s really a lot of fun.”
Well-built
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Grylls Bear. While GRs and Rottweilers can be outdoors, Huskies always are. Every item of clothing you own has the word “trek” somewhere on it, and you stopped arguing about zip-off loads a long time ago.
Revealing behaviors
Husky is loyal but bad at seeing the world through the eyes of people who don’t like sleeping bags. To confirm whether you have a Husky or a Retriever, return to the haberdashery and hide behind a pillar.
If when you leave you find him anxiously pacing through the sewing patterns, you have a Retriever; If you have created a bivouac with natural thread, you are a Husky.