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Time is a curious thing. Looking back, most of us marvel that we ever believed in what we did, armed with the knowledge and hindsight we have today.
Start with Santa Claus and go from there. It turns out that masturbation doesn’t blind you. “True love” doesn’t last forever. One day your Prince might come, but you might also die before that happens.
The same goes for what the experts tell us. One week cheese is good for you and the next it’s bad. Taking the pill is bad for your health; Taking the pill can protect you against certain types of cancer.
Love and sex experts are not immune to having promoted some of our own myths.
Here are five that really should be discarded and left there.
TRACEY COX reveals the five things love experts swore but now know were wrong (file image)
1. EVERYONE HAS A ‘LOVE LANGUAGE’
The concept that we all have a “love language” was devised by a Baptist minister who provided marriage counseling to his church.
Gary Chapman wrote a book based on his experiences in 1992. He stated that each of us has one of the five main ways of showing love: through words, quality time together, giving or receiving gifts, performing acts of service or contact physical.
His theory was that problems arise in relationships when partners speak different languages and express love in ways their partner does not understand. If you want “I love you” whispered in your ear but your partner washes your car to show love, you were in trouble.
Three decades later, we still enjoy it.
Online dating sites encourage testing, TikTok has love language videos that rack up billions of views. People love to get pigeonholed and have quick pop psychology corrections.
Except the theory doesn’t hold up.
Recent research found that Chapman’s work was based on a very religious traditional sample of monogamous and heterosexual couples, and it’s all anecdotal. In other words, there is not one iota of science behind it.
The claim that each of us has a primary love language was not supported: in fact, most of us value ALL of them highly.
What he did well: In fact, there are many ways to express love to a partner. But instead of using just one, most of us are successful in choosing from a combination of the five love languages.
2. HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE
There are many who still advocate this: if the woman is happy in a relationship, it leads to an overall happier life for everyone involved (husband and children).
This theory emerged during the 1970s, when the first research on couples began. When looking at couple communication, researchers noted that women’s behavior was more indicative of the health of the relationship than men’s. The logical conclusion was that she would also be the best barometer of the relationship.
A recent University of Alberta study, the first to actively test the concept, instead found that men’s levels of satisfaction in romantic relationships were as significant as those of female partners in predicting their future happiness together.
Maintaining a healthy relationship takes work, and the burden doesn’t just fall on women.
Analysis of more than 50,000 relationship satisfaction reports from different countries of mixed couples threw out the belief of “happy wife, happy life.”
What he did well: The expectation that women are better at relationships and relationship ‘managers’ liberates men in many ways. On the other hand, this study shows that men have as much power as women to change things in their relationship. I would say it is beneficial for both of us.
3. WE ALL HAVE A SOUL MATE
I have always believed that the idea of a soulmate (that there is only one person who can make us happy) is not only completely crazy but outrageously harmful.
What if your soulmate lives on the opposite side of the world? What happens if they die prematurely and you never get to meet them? What if they don’t believe in waiting for ‘the one’ and do the (sensible) thing and marry someone they like and get along very well, thank you very much?
There is now strong evidence to back me up, thanks to researchers in Utah. Their study illustrates that thinking that a successful relationship is out of our control and instead depends on fate is really harmful.
Researchers studied more than 1,200 people in the United States and Canada and found that a good marriage cannot be found. Couples who knew that their relationship success was based on choice and proactively working together to keep their relationship healthy enjoyed happier, longer-lasting romances than those who believed that simply finding “the one” was the key to success. the happiness.
It’s a “deeply flawed” relationship model to think that simply choosing a certain person is all that’s needed for long-term happiness, researchers say. Developing good communication skills, being able to argue fairly, respecting each other’s family and friends, building a strong friendship, and fostering romance are just some of the qualities that make love last.
All of these skills can be learned.
In this week’s column, UK sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) debunks five myths about relationships, from that we all have a “love language” to the idea that we all have a soulmate.
4. FEMINISTS ARE ANGRY WOMEN WHO CAN’T HAVE A CHICKEN
What these women need is a man who will satisfy them, the stereotype goes, and then they would stop talking all that nonsense.
Well, far from feminists being sexually dissatisfied, it turns out that they have sex just as often as non-feminist women – and better sex too!
A 2024 study of 2,303 adults by a Canadian sociology professor reported that women who identified as feminists were not sad or lonely, but rather enjoyed more loving, pleasurable, and pleasurable sex than non-feminists.
They were also more likely to report receiving oral sex focused on clitoral stimulation (38 percent compared to 30 percent of non-feminist women).
Researchers suggest that this is because feminists see feminism as a source of self-actualization and empowerment, so they are more likely to know what they want in bed and are more likely to ask for it.
They were also more likely to masturbate than non-feminists, meaning they know their bodies better.
5. YOU SHOULD NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY
There are still a few horses for the courses in this case.
The theory goes that if you go to bed angry, this allows it to escalate. You will focus on the argument and make it a much bigger problem than it is.
This is especially true if you’re a glass-half-empty type: this personality is prone to catastrophe, and staying awake, thinking about what happened, can send you down a dark hole.
A 2016 study found that sleeping on a topic changes the way the brain organizes it in memory, making it harder to reverse negative associations. Research also shows that people report higher levels of sleep disruption the morning after conflict.
Falling asleep and staying asleep is more difficult if adrenaline is rushing through your veins. Lack of sleep makes it even more difficult to regulate emotions the next day.
There is still much to support the original premise… but there are exceptions to this rule.
If either of you was not sober when you argued, going to sleep and letting the effects of the alcohol or drugs wear off is a very good idea. Both make us irrational and we lose our minds.
Couples who rush to find a quick solution just so they can go to sleep don’t do well either: it can mean that problems are not resolved and get worse.
If you are the type of person who can sleep well at night even if you have had a fight, you will probably find that the anger disappears overnight. These people wake up rested, they have had time to think, so they are less likely to say something unpleasant on impulse that could permanently damage the relationship.
What he did well: If you’re the anxious type and can’t let things go, it’s probably worth staying up discussing things into the wee hours of the morning, hoping to find a solution. If you can, getting a good night’s sleep is almost always the best idea.
Do you need help with your relationship? Listen to SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, Tracey’s weekly podcast. Her latest book, ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’, is available in all bookstores.