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How many canapés can you eat without being seen as gluttonous? Can you bring your dog to a party? Is it socially acceptable to bring Prosecco? And what is the one mistake that means you will never be invited back?
I’ve been hosting fabulous parties for the rich and famous for 40 years, so I’ve seen it all. Read on to discover the eight worst mistakes you can make if you’re invited to a party this summer…
Men are more likely to be guilty of stealing all the canapés before anyone else sees them.
YOU DON’T KNOW THE RULES OF THE CANAPE
When it comes to eating more than their fair share of canapés, men are particularly guilty. I’ve seen it a million times. They’ll hang around the kitchen while the staff leave, devouring the canapés before they get to the other guests.
Twelve is a reasonable amount to eat, and you can easily reach that amount in less than half an hour if you say yes to everything. A good canapé will always be tiny, never larger than two inches. You should be able to pick it up from the tray with two fingers, put it in your mouth, and let it dissolve quickly.
But remember, this isn’t dinner, just something to hold you over for an hour or two of drinks.
Guests should always try to avoid the egg and mayonnaise sandwich effect, which is what happens when you bite into one, smile, and your teeth are covered in the filling. Say no to canapés like this, or anything containing green herbs, if you want to avoid embarrassment: no one will tell you when it’s all stuck between your teeth.
If your host serves food in bowls, then work on the basis that one bowl equals four canapés, so you can have a maximum of three.
Eating more than you should is far from the only party food mistake. I’ve been doing this job for four decades, and I’ve seen plenty of instances of bad canape etiquette: guests who use the small spoon or fork provided and then put it back on the tray; those who double-dip the canape in the sauce offered to them; those who hold a waiter hostage until they’ve cleared the canape tray; even guests who try a bite, decide they don’t like it, and return the remaining canape to the tray.
All of this behavior is not at all appropriate and will quickly mark you as a very rude and annoying guest.
If you’ve chosen something on a stick, it’s obviously not okay to eat the canapé and put the stick back on the tray. Nor is it okay to litter your host’s house by throwing them all over the nearest surface. Playing around with them a bit is actually quite nice for smokers who need something to do with their hands.
Otherwise, if there is no member of staff available to hand them to you, then you will need to put them in your bag or pocket and take them home. If you have stuck to the 12 canape rule, you won’t have many to take home.
Hosts need guests who are entertaining and cheerful, but if you speak in a way that suggests everything you say is incredibly interesting, you won’t be invited back.
YOU KEEP GOING, AND YOU KEEP GOING, AND YOU KEEP GOING
Entitled people do this a lot. I don’t know why, and it’s a very broad generalization, but they talk in a way that suggests everything they say is incredibly interesting, but it’s often appalling, like how much their latest stock has skyrocketed and how brilliantly little Henry is doing in high school.
No one wants to hear the booming, booming voice of someone who is constantly broadcasting. If you do, you won’t be invited back. That said, hosts need guests who are entertaining and cheerful; it’s almost worse if you have nothing to say. If you’ve accepted an invitation to a summer party, then you need to sing to earn your dinner. That whole “I’m shy” thing is bunk.
Once you’re over 21, you have to make an effort. You’re expected to be charming and act nice, without being rude or scaring the horses. In most social situations, you should adopt the advice my father gave me about marriage: “If you each give 60 percent and get 40 percent, married life will work out.” If you give more to a social situation than you get from it, your partner will always be invited back.
You can’t expect the host to be happy to welcome your pet.
YOUR GOODBYE HAS FOUR LEGS
This is never okay. Speaking as someone who has two dogs, you can’t just show up with a four-legged companion and assume your host will be happy to oblige. What’s next? Do you mind if I bring the kids? But who’s going to keep them from falling in the pool while everyone else is enjoying lunch? The rule is that you can ask, but be prepared to be told no.
If you bring the most extravagant version of yourself to the party, you will divide the crowd.
YOU’RE DETERMINED TO BE THE ‘FUN’ ONE
I, of course, never fall into that category. Sometimes this person can be very funny during an evening, but it is always terrible if there are two or three in the room competing to see who can be more extreme.
You have to accept that if you bring the most extravagant version of yourself to the party, you will divide the crowd. Some will love you, but many will hate you.
You should make sure to introduce people to each other if the party brings together a large group of friends.
YOU NEVER INTRODUCE ANYONE
Some parties bring together a diverse group of friends. For example, at a wedding, there are the bride’s friends, the groom’s friends, and also the parents’ friends from both groups – people who have never met before. It is everyone’s responsibility to introduce themselves whenever possible.
I was recently alone at a drinks party with 400 people. There was no one at the door to greet me, the host was nowhere to be seen, and as a result, it wasn’t very fun.
Whenever I host, I use a technique that someone once shared with me. This can be used by hosts or guests if they know a lot of people who will be attending and want to be helpful. In the weeks leading up to the party, keep a list in the bathroom of everyone you know who will be attending and what they do, or important facts that will help you make introductions, and memorize it.
There is a trick to keeping the conversation going around the table when you’re sitting down to dinner.
YOU DO NOT PLAY THE BOARD GAME CORRECTLY
When you sit down for dinner, there is a technique for keeping the conversation going at the table. Start on your left: talk to that person from the moment you sit down until the first course is eaten. Then talk to the person on your right for the main course. You can choose who to talk to during dessert.
If one of your neighbors is having a hard time with their other partner, push your chair back and have a threesome. It may sound old-fashioned, but it works. It’s great when everyone knows how to play the game. No one ever gets bored for half an hour, and if they do, it’s your fault.
Likewise, don’t be the pest who monopolizes another guest. To avoid getting trapped, never stand with your back to the wall of the room or you’ll get too cornered. Keep your back to the room, otherwise it’s much harder to physically escape from a pest. Most people can get out on their own, but not everyone has the skill to do so.
Prosecco is an offensive gift: it is much better to buy a bottle of pale rosé wine.
You bring the prosecco
Let’s face it: it’s a cheap bottle of champagne that tries to look like a bottle of champagne, but it’s not, and you’ve just insulted your host. You’re much better off buying a bottle of pale rose wine, a nice bottle of Sauternes to go with the pudding, or a decent box of chocolates.
If you arrive early, you should make sure not to ring the bell until the official start time of the party.
You can’t tell the time
Arriving early is unforgivable. I’d like to say that I’m always the most calm and organized hostess, but ten minutes before guests are due to arrive I’m usually in my underwear, putting the finishing touches on. So obviously, if for some reason you arrive early, you have to sit in your car or walk around the block and do not, under any circumstances, ring the doorbell before the scheduled time.
Personally, I never arrive on time. I give it ten minutes extra so the host has a break. I know someone has to be first, but I try to never let it be me.
Sometimes people are late. In that case, you call and insist that they don’t wait for you. And you lie and say that the car has broken down or that the traffic is terrible. It’s not a disaster if you don’t get the start right, but it’s your problem and you’ll have to catch up when you get there.
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Johnny Roxburgh is the co-host of RSVP’s Party Politics (The English gentleman and the Venezuelan tornado) in Youtube
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