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Producers of romantic comedies should tremble: the stereotype of the sad and lonely “bachelor” is on the verge of extinction.
It turns out that a growing number of people prefer to live alone.
There is global evidence: fewer people are getting married and we are staying single longer. Sometimes permanently. Many divorced people now choose to remain single.
Canadian research recently revealed a significant decline in the number of people living as couples between 1981 and 2021, echoing these trends.
Are you sure about this? Wait a minute, I know plenty of single people who would love to be in relationships, I hear you say.
“Producers of romantic comedies should tremble: the stereotype of the sad, lonely “singleton” is on the verge of extinction. It turns out that a growing number of people prefer to live alone,” Tracey said.
Maybe. But maybe that’s because you’re making them feel that way.
Research shows that single people surrounded by people who constantly question them about their single status are the least happy of the group. The others are doing great, thank you very much.
Is the search correct? Isn’t happily ever after the secret to lifelong happiness, after all?
I asked a selection of single men and women to tell me how happy they were to be single – with varying results.
I loved being single in my 20s, but it’s depressing in your late 30s.
Natasha, 38, has a four-year-old son
“There is nothing lonelier than being in a bad relationship. I was married for six miserable years to someone with whom I was completely incompatible.
“The ironic thing is that I knew it wasn’t going to work before I went there. Panic sets in if you are a single woman and want children: there really is a shortage of men.
“When people question your choice of partners, they need to be aware that you are choosing the best that is available to you.
“I felt left out: my friends were looking after child number two and renovating kitchens, and I was still sharing with roommates and putting my name on the stuff in the fridge. Being single can be great – I I loved it in my 20s – but it can be pretty damn depressing in your late 30s.
The British sex and relationships expert asked a selection of single men and women to tell him how happy they were to be single – with varying results (file photo)
“I was happy for a brief period with my then husband. I have a son who I love desperately, but it was clear from the moment he was born that we had radically different views on parenting and life. He is pessimistic and I am optimistic. He dragged me down and I didn’t want that to happen to my son.
“When we finally parted, I felt enormous relief seeing him walking down the path. Then the despair of having to go out and find someone.
“It was two years ago. I haven’t bothered dating anyone because I just can’t deal with it. To be honest, I feel more and more happy to be alone. It’s easier and I’m lucky to have lots of friends and a great family.
“But there are sad moments. I read a quote the other day that sums it up well: I don’t want anyone to do things with – I have friends. I don’t want someone to do anything with it. I want to not have to plan a weekend away. Knowing that there is someone nearby to hang out with. That’s what I miss the most.
Life was bad after my wife left, but the freedom of being single is addictive.
Mark is 42 and divorced with no children
“I got married very young, I was 20 years old. I loved being married and was shocked when my wife announced she was having an affair and leaving me. I was 35 when it happened and I was totally lost. I had always had it with me, it scared me to be alone. I wasn’t used to it. I lived in a small town and didn’t have many singles. Life there was bad for a few months.
“Then my younger sister, who lived in central London, took pity on me and asked me to visit her. She worked in advertising and had a lot of single friends. She had told them everything I needed to cheer me up and, by God, didn’t they do just that. There were about ten of them. They all excited me, made me laugh, flirted with me and made me realize that my life was not over, that it was just beginning. Yes, I slept with one or two of them. The sex was out of this world. I’ve never been adventurous, but I checked off most of my sex bucket list in six months.
‘It was seven years ago. I moved to London shortly after that first life-changing weekend. I am still single and living well. I have nothing against settling down when I find the right person, but I love the freedom that being single offers. I like not having to answer to anyone, being able to come home when I want, stay out when I want, see who I want. I like to make decisions for myself. I even like cleaning and making sure my apartment is tidy: I’m a neat freak, my wife was a bit of a slut. You have to love your own company, but I can understand why many people choose to avoid relationships and stay single.
I’m not sure I ever want to get married or have kids
Becky has just earned a degree in arts
“I’m 26 and I’ve never had a “real” boyfriend – as my dad calls it. He doesn’t understand why, and I see he’s trying to find the courage to ask me if I prefer women to men. I don’t know.
“The truth is, I don’t see the urgency in getting into a relationship. I know he and my mom were serial monogamists since they were 16 or something, but that doesn’t happen in my generation. I can have sex whenever I want, so that’s no reason to be with someone.
“No one in my friendship group is in a relationship – there are about ten of us, of varying genders and sexualities. Maybe it’s because we have such a great group of single friends that none of us feel the need to be in a relationship with just one person.
“I don’t need a man to make me feel “whole” or “complete.” These are such outdated concepts. I’m not sure I ever want to get married or have children. When I’m in a serious relationship, I can choose not to live with them. I don’t want to have to do things I don’t want to, just to keep a partner happy.
“I am not cynical and I believe in love. I just don’t see him the way my parents do. I don’t want to merge into “one”, I want to maintain my independence and individuality. Until I figure out how to do this and am always with someone, I will be very happy living alone.
BEING SINGLE SUCKS. I HATE THAT
Alex, 32, has never been in a long-term relationship
“Being single is good if you are attractive, well-off and have lots of friends. Not so much fun if you’re short, broke and shy.
“I’ve never had a girlfriend, although I desperately wish I did. Part of the problem is my job: I work in IT and I work from home, so I never meet anyone. The other reason is that I take care of my mother who is elderly and needs care. I’m not really a trap.
“I feel desperately alone most of the time and envy what I see happening on social media. I understand that some people prefer to be alone, but there is a difference between being alone and alone. My mother is not in the company: she is ill and does not want to talk. I’m not good at making friends and so I just work.
“I’ve tried dating sites but I’m not a viewer so it’s no use. I can count the number of times I’ve had sex on one hand. Life was better when I was at school because at least I was surrounded by other people and there was hope. I’m technically a virgin and I worry that if I meet someone it will put them off.
“I would give anything to be in a relationship. To be loved, touched and cared for and do the same in return. Being single sucks. I hate that.’
*Some names have been changed
Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s books, product lines and podcast, “SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey.” His latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, is available from all bookstores.
