As I drop another item on the bedroom floor, my daughter, Sophie, looks at me curiously. We’re sorting through my closets so I can do a cleanout and she can assess whether there’s anything worth selling online.
Sophie is clearly perplexed by the sheer amount of items being thrown away. “Do you really want to get rid of all this stuff?” she muses in disbelief, holding up a size ten lilac dress from Reiss that I bought several years ago. One memorable thing (for me, at least) was that I wore it for my first appearance on Question Time.
It’s not the only outfit to have been discarded during this ruthless selection: from the royal blue Max Mara dress, accessorized with a gold star-shaped belt, which I wore to a family wedding, to a yellow button-down dress adorned with white roses and which, although only a few years old, would still accompany me to many a summer party.
It’s even time to say goodbye to Diane von Furstenberg, namely a navy blue checked shirt dress from DVF, even though it was a gift from my husband Martin.
Don’t even get me started on my blouses. I’m particularly sorry that a pale blue sweater ended up in the trash, as it’s my favorite color.
Angela Epstein says her bra size has increased from a C to an E cup in the past five years, although her hips and waist have not changed.
In short, it’s been a full-scale bombing. Why? Simply put, my growing middle-aged bust no longer fits into them.
You see, over the past five years, my bra size has increased from a nice C cup to a rather unpleasant E cup, although my hips and waist have not changed.
Forcing these outfits on can put anyone nearby in mortal danger if a stray button flies into their eye.
Having a large Jessica Rabbit-style bust may suit Kim Kardashian, but I look too much like Les Dawson in drag, with a chest that could serve dinner.
Fortunately, for my own sanity, I am not alone. Many women testified that, having been fit, they are now forced to put aside their underwear in order to wear bras that can also double as hammocks as they reach their 40s.
A recent study revealed that one in five women experienced an increase in breast size after menopause. Yes, breasts change with The Change.
When estrogen levels decline, breast tissue becomes less dense and more fatty. This is compounded by the fact that breasts are more sensitive to weight gain as we age, as inactive milk ducts shrink and are replaced by fat.
Angela before going through menopause and getting her “middle-aged” breasts
Angela poses in a pink dress during her vacation in the Greek countryside
If that’s not challenging enough, larger busts in middle age are more prone to sagging as the skin loses elasticity and the collagen that prevents sagging rapidly decreases.
This sagging even has a medical name: hello, breast ptosis! Apparently, a woman with large breasts can see her nipples drop about four inches. Yes, you read that right. If that’s not depressing enough, breast fat is extremely resistant to diet and exercise: once it’s there, it doesn’t budge. Or, at least, it’s very hard to get rid of.
All of this goes some way to explaining why many women in their fifties begin to store fat in their upper body when they didn’t before.
As far as I’m concerned, suddenly having a plunging neckline at this stage of my life poses serious challenges. On a younger woman it might look sexy, but on me I look like a matron.
A good friend of mine, who now has a rather magnificent embonpoint, has problems with the unwanted attention this brings her. “I’m 54 and I don’t want people to notice my breasts because they’re too ‘weird’. It’s horrible.”
And now that summer has arrived, the situation is even more embarrassing, as rising temperatures force us to abandon all those classic sweaters or camouflage jackets.
The other day, I was looking through some photographs from a wonderful trip to Greece. The scenery looks exquisite against an incomparable blue sky. However, all I could see was the ghost of Carry On star Hattie Jacques as she posed for the camera in my pink T-shirt dress.
Even if I try to ignore my voluminous middle-aged chest, I am reminded of it when I saw, at a recent wedding, an equally vivacious friend.
My friend, who is not one to notice me, was wearing a gorgeous dress with a pleated skirt and sculpted arms that flattered her. Unfortunately, from the waist up, the view was inescapably of the Himalayas. Even I couldn’t help but stare.
What am I going to do about it? It’s certainly an expensive situation, as good support bras are not cheap. I’ve just spent nearly £100 in a specialist shop after repeatedly asking the shop assistant for anything that would hold me up.
His response: “We can give you a better fit, but every size is different.” Good.
So I’ve decided that the only way forward is to distract myself and compromise. I’m not considering surgery. It’s not a judgement on others, but I could never go under the knife voluntarily.
(However, many do. According to the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, size-reduction procedures now account for 40 percent of all breast operations, an increase of more than a quarter in three years.)
On the other hand, there are exercises that focus on strengthening the chest and back muscles. This, instead of reducing size, will help improve posture, provide better support to the breasts and relieve any discomfort.
Of course, I could do as fashion designer Amanda Wakeley recommends and embrace my curves. A style tip: opt for scooped or V-necks, which show off more of the neck and elongate proportions. “Accentuate your curves, don’t hide them,” says Amanda. “The most important thing is to flaunt your assets with confidence!”
So I sort through the pile of clothes on the floor, before finally handing them over to my daughter to sell online.
Is it time to glory in my assets? I lack the courage. I decide I’d rather accept the new reality of my middle-aged chest and opt for loose blouses and baggy shirts. I figure I can still pull off a put-together, modern look without looking like a tattoo on a sailor’s arm.
Hopefully all Vinted or eBay buyers will enjoy the offer and cherish my valuable purchases while they still can. No surprise prizes allowed.