We’ve all heard the word thrown at someone or whispered behind a hand. Did she take the last cookie on the plate at the meeting? What a narcissist! Did he let the door open for you? What. A. Narcissistic.
But is this interpretation accurate, or is the word now used so often that it loses all meaning?
How can we know if our husband, mother-in-law, or boss actually has narcissistic personality disorder, rather than just thoughtless?
Here, trauma coach Caroline Strawson, author of a new book, How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, describes six warning signs that indicate you might well have a narcissist in your life.
A narcissist’s changing behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them what they’re really like.
1. They won’t take responsibility for bad behavior
Narcissists will not apologize for the distress they cause. It’s always someone else’s fault. They will say, “I had to do this because you said that!” Normal people may not talk to their partner for a while after an argument, but eventually they step aside, mutter apologies, and accept some of the blame. But the narcissist won’t do it, because he doesn’t think like that.
2. They are charming in public but controlling in private
Narcissists are like chameleons. They might goad you with hurtful comments before a night out with friends until they elicit an emotional response. Then at dinner they are the life and soul, while you are subdued because they made you feel bad. In fact, they made you out to be “the crazy one.”
This changing behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them what they’re really like. “But they always seem so nice,” they will say.
3. Whether overt or covert, all narcissists need attention
There are two main types of narcissists. The “manifest” guy, who might be your boss, walks into a room and attracts attention. It’s their way or the highway. The “covert” narcissist is more difficult to recognize.
Although they are controlling in private, in public they play the victim. If you have a cold, they have the flu. They may complain about their partner, so their friends say, “But you’re such a good husband!” They too demand attention and praise. We therapists call this “narcissistic supply.”
4. Most people feel bad if they hurt someone. Narcissists no!
We can all be selfish or insensitive, but the difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we generally feel empathy for others. If we hurt someone, we will feel bad and want to make things right. A narcissist lacks empathy.
5. They are as grumpy as a child and always have to win
The narcissist has the mindset of a three year old and only his needs matter. If it’s your partner or your boss, you’ll be walking on eggshells to keep the peace. If you find fault, they will shout, shut up, or retaliate with a personal attack. The narcissist always wants to win.
6. They are good at gaslighting behavior
A narcissist will manipulate you until you question your own sanity. You might see a mysterious text message on your partner’s phone, but if you ask who it is from, they’ll say, “Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing there.” If you insist you saw it, they will focus on your behavior. “You’re such a drama queen!” » they will say. You end up feeling like you’re wrong.
How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse, by Caroline Strawson, will be released in July.
