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As Philip Larkin so succinctly put it in his famous poem, fathers can cause you trouble. In the lottery of life, some of us are lucky enough to have known only loving and protective mothers and fathers, while others have to deal with the psychological consequences of extremely bad parenting throughout their lives. In this regard, what if you think your father is a narcissist? How can you spot the telltale signs and, crucially, adopt effective coping strategies when you have such a damaging parent in your life?
“Their hallmark is a distinct lack of empathy and compassion,” says Dr Sarah Davies, author of Raised By Narcissists. “They have no regard for the wants and needs of others. They are very self-focused.”
As well as being selfish and emotionally manipulative, narcissists are arrogant and entitled, she adds. “They believe they are special and should be treated as such.” Because they are convinced they are superior, “narcissists also have a pathological need for attention and admiration.” All in all, “they are an unpleasant bunch,” she says.
If your father possesses five of these traits used to make a clinical diagnosis, he’s likely a full-blown narcissist. But, says Dr. Davies, a counseling psychologist and expert on narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder comes on a sliding scale (at the low end, he may simply be very selfish). There are also two types of narcissist: overt or covert. The overt type is loud, confident, and domineering. The covert type is quieter, more subtle in their manipulation. “I always find the covert ones more sinister,” she warns.
Either way, as their child, you will have been deeply affected in ways that often persist into adulthood. The consideration of a narcissistic parent is highly conditional. “Children of narcissistic parents learn how they must behave in order to survive,” says Dr. Davies. Here, she explains the traits that suggest your parent is a narcissist, and also how best to handle it.
Dr. Sarah Davies, author of Raised by Narcissists
He insists you are the best and then sabotages your success
Narcissists tend to be obsessed with appearance, status, power, and wealth. They will criticize and judge your appearance if it is not to their liking. A narcissistic parent would have demanded that you get top grades when you were a student and be the best player on your sports team. He will have no respect for your choices or interests. It is a shame that you long to be an artist, but he wanted you to study law. And yet, narcissists can be very jealous. So, instead of being happy for you, he may try to sabotage you, your relationship, or your career.
He has no paternal instinct
A narcissistic parent doesn’t understand age-appropriate parenting. He sees you as a mere extension of himself. So, if as a child you remember him offering you an alcoholic drink or a drag of his cigarette at a party, these were red flags. There are many forms of neglect, and this is one of them. He also doesn’t respect your feelings or your boundaries. Some of my clients say that their father would barge into their bedroom whenever he felt like it. I’ve even heard of cases of parents who would even remove the door to their child’s bedroom.
He is the king of emotional manipulation.
Narcissists are very manipulative and will exploit their own children. When you were younger, he would have pitted you against your siblings or another parent. You will feel like a commodity, there just to meet his needs. He may be charming, but if you don’t do or be what he wants, he will punish you, perhaps with the silent treatment. Or he will guilt you into doing what he wants. Or he may have been neglectful or distant because he is too concerned with himself.
He is controlling
A client was bored with football, but her father was obsessed with it, so she pretended to be interested, cheered on his team, and watched every game. Children learn to please and appease. She loved to dance, but she wasn’t allowed to. It was all about him. So she learned to act out. If a child doesn’t act right, the narcissistic parent punishes him, either by ignoring him or by making him angry. Often, children of narcissists become people-pleasers or chameleons, excellent at changing their ways to appease others.
He lacks empathy
Truly narcissistic people don’t experience empathy like we do. This requires imagining how another person feels. They can’t do that. A narcissistic parent will be harsh and dismissive of your feelings. If you have a headache, he has a migraine. If you’re upset, you’re “emotional” or “oversensitive.” You would have grown into an adult without feeling understood. If your parent is an extreme narcissist, he may even be sadistic and enjoy watching you suffer.
THREE WAYS TO HANDLE A NARCISSIST PARENT
Accept that he won’t change
Change requires self-awareness, and narcissists do not have the ability to reflect on their behavior or how it affects you. In order to reform, they need to feel bad about how they have acted. They feel no remorse or shame. It is very important to stop clinging to the fantasy that he will become the father you wanted and needed him to be.
Recognizing Narcissistic Traits
This can be a powerful shift. No matter how old you are, recognizing what your parent does that is abusive or unhealthy allows you to psychologically distance yourself from it (and from him). When he tries to make you feel guilty, tell yourself, “Oh, he’s doing that again,” and don’t let yourself get sucked into it.
Use the “gray rock” method
Don’t be goaded into reacting – that’s what the narcissist craves. The “grey rock” method is simply not to react. Don’t show that you are affected. If you confront him, he will verbally attack you or flatly deny the truth. He will have his own version of events, in which he is the victim. However, you may ask him, not aggressively, but with curiosity: “Why are you doing that? Are you okay?”
- Raised By Narcissists by Dr Sarah Davies is published on 19 September (Profile, £14.99).
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