I have something to confess: I used to be not very kind to myself. For almost two decades I drank excessively, even though I knew it was bad for me. We all know that drinking is not good for your health, but for me it was particularly destructive. I lost a lot to alcohol: from phones to boyfriends.
Jacket and trousers, Aligne
Three years ago I stopped drinking and finally managed to create enough distance between my true self and “alcoholic Brenda” (the alter ego I created as a hard-drinking student in Edinburgh) to be able to unravel the reasons why I drank. I guess you could call this column “Things I wish I’d known three years ago.”
Often when people share their experiences of sobriety, it turns into a huge competition. Who has been sober the longest? Who messed up the most? I don’t deserve a big medal of honor for getting sober, because the truth is, I initially quit drinking only because I wanted a baby more than I wanted a spicy margarita.
Having already suffered a miscarriage, I wanted to give myself the best chance of having a healthy pregnancy. I was never good at moderation, so the advice my doctors gave me was to completely avoid alcohol while trying to conceive.
It was easier because I was pregnant during lockdown, when there were no parties to tempt me. Then, after I had Leo, I didn’t drink because I was in and out of the hospital, very sick. By the time the opportunity to drink came along, I’d already had a chance to see what my life was like without alcohol and I wanted to hold on to that. I’ve never been in AA; I managed to stay sober by going to bed early, doing therapy, and an immense amount of love for my son.
How did my alcohol problem start? I started drinking at 14 to feel more confident around boys. I went to an all-girls school from the age of three, so I had no experience when it came to the opposite sex. I also had low self-esteem, so when I first discovered this magic elixir that could rid me of anxiety and inhibitions, I felt amazing. Suddenly, I was fun and entertaining. I’m a thrill-seeker by nature, so if something promises a dopamine rush, I go for it, and I was soon hooked on the euphoria. Some people hate losing control, I loved it. I’ve always been a control freak, and drinking seemed like the only way to switch off my busy brain and be more relaxed.
Plus, people loved me when I was drunk. I was the entertainer, everyone’s best friend, always good for a morning-after anecdote. “Funny” stories about me peeing on some stranger’s floor certainly kept the conversation flowing, and no one wanted it to stop! So everyone let me. Not that I blame others for my bad behavior, but their praise made it easy to keep clowning around. When I was in college, I ended up playing the character assigned to me.
Behind the party girl facade, however, the reality wasn’t so fun. I was always hoping for an epiphany where I would wake up and suddenly be able to change my relationship with alcohol. I longed to be the person who could have a glass of wine at night.
However, I have an addictive personality. I am extreme in all my decisions: either I have a resounding yes or a resounding no. And the same thing happened with drinking: once I started, I couldn’t find the off button.
Louise in Ibiza last month with her partner Ryan (left) and brother Sam
By the time I was 21, I was living in a shared house in London. Well, I say house, it was more of a party palace with an open-door policy. One of my best friends lived with me at one point, but had to leave after three months because she had to start work at 5am and the noise was unbearable. Not surprisingly, the house next door was put up for sale. And the one on the other side too.
At that time I was in Made In Chelsea And there was always a party going on somewhere. I was drunk every day. There were a few times when I turned up for filming and hadn’t gone to bed the night before. I once refused to film because I was feeling so sick, but they managed to track me down, get me out of bed, and put some makeup on me. I was often hungover for important kissing or break-up scenes.
Alcohol ended all my relationships. One ex ended my relationship after I said horrible things about his family on the roof of a double-decker bus on the way home from a night out. Another ended my relationship because I got so drunk I missed an important engagement. The third time was a little different: our entire relationship revolved around drinking, so when we stopped drinking, we realized we had nothing in common; we didn’t even like each other.
In my early 20s, I was passing out every week. I couldn’t remember the hours of a night or even how I got home; I was lucky I wasn’t seriously damaged. Then, after every night out, I’d spend at least 24 hours picking up the pieces. A day of drinking meant at least a day of recovery, retracing my steps, texting and apologising to people. I lost so many phones that it got to the point where I had difficulty getting insurance.
When I see the mess I was in written out in black and white like that, I feel lucky to have seen life at both ends of the spectrum, because now I know I have too much to lose to drink again.
So what would I have liked to know three years ago?
- When I put alcohol in, bad decisions come out. It would sabotage any healthy habits I had tried to maintain: my diet, my sleep, my exercise, my brain health, and my work would all be ruined.
- You can’t keep running away from difficult feelings. Drinking numbed my emotions, which was easier than dealing with them, but I found that if I listen without judgment, I can get through difficult times.
- Quitting drinking made me feel Like a horse with its blinders removed, I see clearly, I am less clouded or distracted, and my decision-making ability is incredible.
- It takes practice to say no. No to drinking, no to being the entertainer everyone wants you to be. Some people will make it hard for you to quit, but that’s okay because you’ll find out who your real friends are, and that’s not a bad thing.
- Life can still be fun. I just got back from a sober holiday in Ibiza. I’ve taken plenty of messy trips there over the years, but this time I leaned towards the quiet, spiritual side of the island. It was my partner Ryan, my brother Sam, his girlfriend Zara, and me. Even though I was the only sober one, none of them drink much, and we found other ways to laugh. We went dancing, we did cartwheels while others drank shots, but I watched them make faces while they drank those clear, spicy drinks and there wasn’t a single part of me that wanted to join in. I don’t judge others who have fun, but I know people who have ended up in rehab. I know people who have died. And I know I could have been one of them.
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: ESTER MALLOY.
STYLIST: NICOLA ROSE.
STYLING ASSISTANT: HOPE PALMER.
HAIR AND MAKEUP: KRYSTAL BUCKLEY WITH OAUI AND GIORGIO ARMANI BEAUTY.
