The global sex recession is getting worse: there has never been a younger generation less interested in sex than this one.
Technology and social media are making it easier for people to avoid real-life relationships; student debt and housing costs have left many young people too stressed to prioritize relationships and intimacy.
Pornography reduces the need for real-life encounters, now plagued by fears about safety and consent.
But it’s not just young people who avoid sex.
More than thirty percent of couples who have been together for more than two years have sexless relationships, meaning they have sex six times or less per year.
More than thirty percent of couples who have been together for more than two years are in sexless relationships: they have sex six or fewer times a year (file image)
No sex is the new sex.
Deciding to stop having intimacy is a very personal decision. I spoke to three people, now celibate, for very different reasons.
‘I’ve had sex to please him for 30 years, now he can please me by NOT doing it.’
Catherine, 52, married at 20 and has three children.
‘I’m going to say out loud what most married women honestly think: I hope I never have to have sex again.
Most women in long-term relationships find sex boring, just another chore to be ticked off at the end of the day. Many find it unpleasant… I actually find sex disgusting now.
Sex is a strange thing. When you’re young and your hormones are raging, you become obsessed with sex. Once those hormones leave your body, sex seems silly.
I’ve always found penises a bit ridiculous. Menopause took away what little excitement I had left: I have no sensitivity in my genitals.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) found that some people had only had sex to please their partners and had had enough.
I used to masturbate. Now, when I touch my clitoris, it’s like I’m touching my forearm. Nothing happens.
I would say my sex drive started out high. In my early 20s I loved sex, but after having kids I wasn’t really interested (I was too exhausted) and it never really took off again.
It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had sex. I only did it to please my husband. I didn’t mind doing it because I believe that marriage is a commitment and everyone gives and receives in different ways. But I’ve kept him happy for 30 years, and now he can please me without doing it.
He knows how I feel and we haven’t had sex for nine months. The sky hasn’t fallen and our marriage is fine. I’m happy giving him oral sex sometimes and I don’t mind how much he watches porn and masturbates. Just don’t bother me anymore.
‘The relief of knowing that I’ll never be harassed for doing something I don’t enjoy is incredible.’
“I’ve had sex three times and I’d rather do it myself than do it again – it’s too stressful.”
Matt is 24 years old and a student.
‘I grew up masturbating to porn like any other kid and couldn’t wait to have sex. But I’m shy and casual sex didn’t appeal to me, and I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 19.
She was older than me and had already slept with four guys, so I didn’t tell her I was still a virgin. I guess I was embarrassed.
She would have had sex the first week after we met, but I kept putting it off because I was so nervous. I didn’t know how I would measure up.
We made out and I performed oral sex on him once, but sex quickly went from something I was dying to try to something I was really looking forward to.
She had no idea what was going on and kept asking me why I didn’t want to have sex with her. “Don’t you find me sexy?” she kept asking.
When we finally did it was a disaster and definitely the worst day of my life. I couldn’t get an erection so the first time she saw my penis it was small and dormant.
She looked horrified, but I came back to life when she touched me with her hand, and within seconds I ejaculated all over her hand. I felt so humiliated that I wanted to die. On this occasion, she was nice: she thought it was funny and made a joke about it.
The next night we tried to have sex, but I ejaculated before I could penetrate her. She tried to be understanding, but I could see her thinking, “Is this guy useless or what?”
We didn’t see each other for a week and I was very worried about what would happen next time. My worst fears were confirmed: I managed to penetrate her, but I ejaculated the moment I did.
Technology and social media make it easier for people to avoid real-life relationships (stock image)
He broke up with me about two weeks later. I asked him if it was because of sex and he said no, but that I was “a little young.” He didn’t need to explain that he knew I was inexperienced and a virgin.
That was five years ago. Since then I haven’t even tried dating or having sex with anyone. I don’t have any problems attracting women, but I don’t want to humiliate myself again.
The thought of having sex with someone again is so stressful that I’d rather do it myself and watch porn than go through that again.
‘Sex is supposed to be about pleasure, but for me it’s a world of pain.’
Eliza, 32, got married five years ago and was diagnosed with endometriosis around the same time.
‘Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus, causing things to stick to it that shouldn’t. I’ve had it for five years and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Sex is supposed to be about pleasure, but for me now it’s just a world of pain. It’s ruined my life. It will probably cost me my marriage and prevent me from being a mother.
The reason I have so much pain is that my endometriosis is right behind my vagina, at the bottom of my uterus. It can grow in different places, and this turns out to be the worst thing for anyone who wants to continue having sex.
It also made my vagina stick to my rectum and I have scars elsewhere as well. Any kind of penetration pulls and stretches everything.
Not only does it hurt when I have sex, but it hurts for hours afterward. The cramps can last for days. I am so anxious and fearful about sex that I am never “wet” or relaxed. It hurts from the moment he enters and gets worse as he goes deeper.
My husband understands, but we are young, both in our 30s. We should be enjoying each other’s bodies and thinking about having children.
I feel so guilty for denying him something he enjoys so much. I’ve told him he can have sex somewhere else if he wants, he has my blessing. The thought of him sleeping with another woman kills me, but what can I do?
I would give anything to be able to enjoy sex like normal people do, but I’ve reached a point where I can’t stand to do it even one more time because the cost is too high.
Listen to Tracey’s weekly podcast, SexTok, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Visit traceycox.com to check out her blog, books and products.
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