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Dear Bel,
I look forward to your page, looking for answers that may apply to me. I am not young anymore, I still work and get tired, but I hate the idea of being at home with my husband, since he works at night and is usually awake during the day.
He is very selfish, life with him is hard to bear now. The positive side is that we both like to go out and take vacations. The negative side is a lot and I don’t know how much longer I can bear this life.
I do absolutely everything around the house, including DIY, gardening and heavy chores. He does nothing but watch movies and check Facebook. He has no hobbies. He gets angry if I point out the lack of help, even though he is basically useless at all jobs.
I was married for 12 years to a controlling man. We divorced and I met my current husband. He was completely different and (I think) a breath of fresh air, although he seemed immature. He had just completed ten years in the Navy and seemed like fun.
We had three children (all now in relationships), but I often had to defuse family situations because of his temper. I know he bullied our two children. I found out a few years ago. He would scold them and then warn them not to tell me anything or they would find out. The worst part is his bad temper and terrible sense of “humor.” He pretends to be a funny guy who makes really bad jokes, but at the expense of the people he’s telling his “joke” to. He makes very rude personal comments, laughs loudly to make light of it, and then storms off if I try to mention it.
He belittles people for his own entertainment and laughs out loud. He has insulted my family, making it seem like a joke. One day in the supermarket we met two older ladies we know and when one told us she had terminal cancer, he replied, “That’s nice, I like good funerals.”
I can’t get that and other comments out of my head. I feel so sad. Today, when I told him how bad I feel, all I got was: “Join the club.”
I don’t know what to do. It would be hard to go through another breakup, sell the house and uproot myself again. I’m taken for granted and if I try to resolve something by asking for a chat, his eyes go crazy.
When he gets angry, he punches holes in doors and twists everything. I keep telling myself that things could be worse, but I don’t know how much more I can take. Please advise me.
PATRICIA
Bel Mooney responds: Your letter was more than twice as long as this one, and I realized by the end of the first paragraph that you knew exactly what you had to do.
It was as if all the details you gave me weren’t for me, but for yourself, as a way of giving evidence in favor of ending this marriage. Isn’t that what we usually do when we complain to our friends about aspects of our lives? Give ourselves reasons to make changes?
But change is very difficult. As we get older, even a small change, like trying a new route to work, can make us nervous.
It’s not easy to admit that an old friend’s opinions have become toxic and that you don’t want to see her again. How much harder is it then to consider becoming independent again after having ended a marriage?
But what can I say when I read a long email that is one long cry of frustration? You married your husband out of spite (a year isn’t much) after a bad marriage and you saw his flaws, even if you didn’t fully acknowledge them.
You observed that he was far from being a good father and was very lazy; now you admit that it is only the prospect of the holidays that keeps you going.
You hate the idea of being at home with him and you feel constantly embarrassed and angry when you are forced to watch his rudeness to other people. He sounds like the bully he was when your children were younger and would hide the truth from you under threat.
The only reason you’re staying in this marriage is that it will be difficult to end it? You’re younger than me, and I have to tell you that spending the last period of my life being unhappy with a lazy bully and a lout would be a fate worse than death.
I’d rather live alone in a small flat than in a house with a man who makes tasteless jokes at other people’s expense. Have you told your family your secret? I have.
You have to decide for yourself whether you value your life so little that you are willing to sacrifice it on the altar of marriage. I believe in the institution, but not at such a high price. Let me assure you that I have received many letters of thanks from women whom I have urged to break away from a miserable life with an unloved and unlovable husband.
Yes, it’s hard, but compare it to not waking up miserable and being free.
My friend’s erratic driving terrifies me
Dear Bel,
I have been very good friends with Sally for about ten years. She is 78 and I am younger. We live a few miles apart and both have cars. We talk on the phone and meet regularly. Lately I have noticed a cognitive decline in her, on more than one level.
The worst thing is his driving. One day when I came to pick him up, he started driving erratically and then said he had a very bad headache and a noise in his head as if it was being tapped constantly.
The drive home was horrible – she was driving terrifyingly fast at 25mph in a 30 zone, didn’t seem to know where she was, and when I told her “you need to be here” she slammed on the brakes and swerved left into my neighbor’s driveway before turning right into mine.
My son said it sounded like a neurological problem and that I shouldn’t let her take me anywhere ever again.
I should add that to get anywhere from his house, he first has to negotiate a two-way road. That terrifies me. What will happen if he tries to cross both sections in one go or, God forbid, if he takes the wrong path in the direction of traffic?
Since she had no family or relatives nearby, I decided to call her and gently tell her that I was concerned about her health. She got a little quiet, so I asked her if she remembered driving me home. Yes, she did, so I mentioned that she had ignored the speed limit twice, which is not like her, and then she had forgotten where she lived.
She said I had been talking too much, which had been very distracting, and denied speeding. I told her I had been silent during the trip and stressed my concern for her.
She then started yelling and accusing me of being rude. She said she couldn’t even talk to me because she was so angry with me. She said goodbye and hung up. I guess she’ll eventually calm down and call me, but do you think I’ve gone too far?
ELIZA
- Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues every week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names have been changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets that she is unable to correspond in person.
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