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Dear Bel,
Last year, a friend (of 14 years’ senior) murdered a man in broad daylight. It was a sudden, brutal and, as the judge found, planned act, an act of revenge for a wrong she said the man had committed against a member of her family more than 25 years earlier. He is now serving a life sentence.
I attended the sentencing hearing and found the defense attorney’s attempts to mitigate the sentence and the prosecution’s arguments to increase it fascinating, but listening to the victim’s statements about the family impact was heartbreaking.
I had to agree with the judge’s summary in sentencing her to a minimum of 24 years. When she is released, if we are still alive, we will both be in our 80s.
I find it difficult to talk about this with my friends. For most people, murder is black and white. However, the person I knew had no indication of being violent or unstable – this would have been a red flag for me, as I find unpleasant people unsettling.
I will add that I grew up in foster care and have known many damaged people in my past, but this feels like a radical shift from good to evil with nothing in between.
She was well-liked, came from a good family, and loved animals (especially dogs) and nature. She had a supportive partner and two teenage children who I thought were her world. I can’t stop thinking about them. We went to classes together, socialized, and she was kind to others.
I can’t even begin to understand why she would do this to another human being, to her family, to his family, to herself. It has shaken my normal sense of “it will pass.” My equilibrium has been thrown off.
I understand that humans are flawed and sometimes make decisions that are out of character, but this seems like a total dualism: Jekyll and Hyde. Did I miss any aspects of his character that I should have seen?
While we were awaiting trial, we kept up a correspondence. But my question to you is this: would you still write to someone who has been found guilty of such a brutal crime? Or not?
I’m torn between thinking that reciprocating is the right thing to do because she was my friend and that it must be horrible to be taken away from everything you take for granted.
Or is it really because I have a need to delve deeper into his psyche to achieve some sort of closure for myself (selfish, I know)?
Do you have any ideas please?
PATRICIA
Bel Mooney responds: It is easy to understand why he is so disturbed by this terrible situation and finds his dilemma intolerable. A sudden catastrophe such as the one he describes, which destroyed two families, is almost impossible to comprehend, let alone accept.
I imagine the constant back-and-forth of horror and pity is exhausting and keeps you up at night. Your friend took the life of another human being, and yet even now you have no idea why that part of her – the part that clearly held a deep grudge for 25 years – came to the surface. Why it snapped and killed.
You wonder if you “should have seen” this side of her, but how could you? No matter how many books we read, movies and documentaries we watch, and real-life stories we hear, we’ll never feel like we have the key to human nature. Because there isn’t one.
When people protest that they would never cheat on their spouse, steal, or deliberately harm another person, I always think, “But maybe… depending on the circumstances.”
How can we know? New parents may suddenly discover within themselves a passion that would kill to protect their child. But what happens when the child grows up? And could we think of a beloved niece or nephew in the same way as our own child? I don’t see why not.
Would I do anything to stop someone from attacking my granddaughter? Of course. Have you ever had violent thoughts about someone who has hurt you or a loved one? I would say yes.
Who knows what dark, primitive passions lie buried, even for many years, waiting to surface in an instant?
Look how war turns people into savages. It’s not about mitigating the damage. That’s why you’re still confused that someone you thought you knew could do something so terrible.
I doubt that feeling of shock will ever go away. Your question about writing to him is the crux of your letter, but your confusion shows through there too.
You don’t actually say what you’re torn between; you’re just questioning your own motivation. The logical omission, the other part of the dilemma, is that you stop having contact with her altogether, because of the horror you feel at her crime. I think your first feeling—that you should write because her situation must be terrible—is a good one. She’s already being punished by the state and by the pain of the life she’s lost, and (I assume) by the guilt as well.
There is no need to punish her further or delve too deeply into the convoluted motives that led her to write.
If I were you, I would make sure to keep in touch with his partner and children as much as possible. Then, I would make my letters as novel as possible and ask him about services like the library, if he needs things sent to him, etc.
You can deplore his crime and at the same time show kindness to someone you love.
If you want to be more confident about your mood, in that moment and now, that’s up to you.
Whether or not to write to a friend with whom we have been together for 14 years in these circumstances is not, in my opinion, a moral question.
My angry husband is rude to me every day.
Dear Bel,
I have been married for 44 years to a man whom I loved madly but who has become the worst-tempered person I have ever met.
Maybe it’s always been that way, but when you’re young and in love you tend to overlook things.
He is 68 and will never be able to retire because he is a builder and I discovered that he never paid national insurance contributions so he has no pension.
I still work part-time as a medical secretary. About 12 years ago, he had prostate cancer and had it removed.
Since then our sex life has been non-existent.
He is just nasty to me all the time and the reason I won’t leave him is because we have two beautiful children whose lives would become a misery as he would be too dependent on them if I wasn’t around.
He can’t do anything for himself (not even make doctor’s appointments), so I would ask you to do it.
We could sell our house and maybe buy a small apartment each, but he has never had to pay a bill in his life and I am worried that the kids will end up paying for him and I don’t want that for them.
Any advice would be appreciated as I’m at the end of my rope!
BEAUTIFUL
Bel answers: Your letter reminds me that for many women, our default setting is to put our children first, even when they are adults, at any cost.
A prominent psychologist warned me about this and reminded me of the importance of a certain degree of selfishness.
The late American poet Mary Oliver ends her oft-quoted poem The Summer Day with a key question: “Tell me, what do you plan to do / With your one precious life?” It’s a useful question for all of us. Sometimes, of course, actual choices are limited, but the mental attitude can still be free. And my suggestion to you, Linda, is to change yours.
Before that, let’s consider this husband who seems to have been given a free pass when it comes to personal responsibility.
Why? Was it because the “young and in love” person who married him turned into a doormat? Why has he never paid social security? Why didn’t you know? Why can’t he “do anything for himself”? Why has he “never had to pay a bill in his life”?
It sounds like you’ve remained married to a spoiled, bad-tempered child whom you’ve always helped, overlooking too many things. And that certainly prompts another incredulous “why?”
I assume you have considered any mental or physical conditions that might be the cause of his perpetual bad mood. I have nothing but compassion for you in your situation, but I still think you need to do some serious self-questioning. You want to leave, but you say that the future well-being of your family prevents you from doing so. Is that really true? If so, does that mean they will allow him to walk all over them as well? Why? Have you spoken to them? Or, indeed, to Mr. Angry?
Does he know how you feel? Does he care? Is the real problem that you’re afraid of being alone? I want you to write honest answers to all my questions.
You are 65 years old and need to start thinking seriously about how to shape the rest of your one precious life.
Living with someone who behaves badly towards you is a recipe for pointless misery. Since you can’t stand it any longer (“you’re at your limit”), you need to consider a radical change.
Start by imagining a peaceful life in that apartment, not thinking that your first duty is to “protect” your adult children from their own father.
Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues every week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names have been changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets that she is unable to correspond in person.
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