Welcome to a new great era.
Apparently, the Brazilian butt lifts, backless dresses with built-in thongs and endless idolization of Kim Kardashian’s derrière are over.
According to a flurry of breathless column inches, the assless but amply built like me can finally breathe a sigh of relief: breasts are back!
And they say we girls can thank Sydney Sweeney for much of this spirited comeback.
In reality, women like Sweeney and me know that there has never really been an ‘era’ that isn’t a breast era.
Yes, the exact size and distribution of the ‘acceptable’ female frame changes with the season at the whim of magazine editors and advertising executives.
And yes, the fickle cultural pendulum may indeed be swinging with the release of songs like ‘Baby Got Back’ and Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ with a big bottom – but a quick conversation with any red-blooded male will tell you all you need to know about what is always in fashion.
According to a flurry of breathless column inches, the assless but amply built like me can finally breathe a sigh of relief: breasts are back!
And they say we girls can thank Sydney Sweeney for much of this spirited comeback. In reality, women like Sweeney and me know that there has never really been an ‘era’ that isn’t a breast era. (Image: Author Kara Kennedy).
Honestly, I would be shocked if any of my straight male friends or even my husband knew what color my eyes were. And I don’t care about that either.
What irks me is this exaggerated and faux-shocked obsession with what we all know are timelessly desirable assets.
How did we get here?
As Hollywood’s latest It Girl, Sweeney has been making quite a splash for quite some time.
Now 26, she first burst onto the scene in 2019, playing a teenager no one thought was actually a teenager in the hypersexualized HBO high school hit Euphoria.
But she really turned heads in recent years with a starring role in the smash debut of The White Lotus, a rollicking Rolling Stones music video, plus cinematic roles in Anyone But You and super-hated superhero flick Madame Web – which literally everyone thought was absolutely terrible minus Sydney’s presence.
And so, once again, the world has agreed that a sultry blonde is indeed one of life’s finer pleasures. Is it a terrible thing?
While Sydney’s stunning figure is having something of a moment — 20 million Instagram followers and counting — it’s blatantly obvious that she’s so much more than that.
Her SNL hosting gig earlier this month was proof positive of comedic talent. Critics declared it a rare triumph for the aging Saturday series.
But then came the overshadowing, absurd series.
“Sydney Sweeney proves vigilantism is dead,” was the general theme of a series of frothy tweets from celebratory right-wingers.
While the hourglass actress was across the aisle, she was cast as a victim of misogyny.
“Sydney Sweeney Embraces the Male Gaze,” read a worthy Newsweek headline, couched in a bit of language only a graduate student could love.
As Hollywood’s latest It Girl, Sweeney has been making quite a splash for quite some time. Now 26, she first burst onto the scene in 2019, playing a teenager no one thought was actually a teenager in the hypersexualized HBO high school hit ‘Euphoria’.
And so, once again, the world has agreed that a sultry blonde is indeed one of life’s finer pleasures. Is it a terrible thing? (Image: Kara).
The problem is that neither party has fully understood the significance of this cultural moment. Nor do they do much service to Sweeney’s great brain power.
Actually – why is all in an uproar over a nice pair of breasts?
The answer is baked deep into Western culture.
A woman’s sexuality has long been used as a stick to beat her with. It’s a tired paradox as old as Joe Biden: Too sexy? You are a bitch. Too covered up? You are cold.
Whisper it – but much of this chest banking is done away with other womenwho do not like to see a hostile cleavage move higher up the workplace food chain.
And now in the last decade – and with the advent of social media – it has all skyrocketed.
We’ve seen cover stars transform from busty models with six packs to oversized ones like Lizzo and other ‘body positive’ figureheads like Tess Holliday.
Vogue is now championing non-binary stars like Emma Corrin and Sam Smith, and bras are more ‘in’ than actual breasts!
The utter sexlessness of this TikTok-led tirade has warped our sense of beauty so much that it’s no wonder young people have so little sex.
Think about it. Anyone under the age of 18 has not really experienced a classic Hollywood beauty in the shows and movies they watch. The Marilyns, the Bardots, the Taylors.
All of which means that when someone like Sweeney comes along, we can’t quite believe what we’re seeing.
Sweeney understands this and leans in. She has even described her breasts as her ‘best friends’. Can you blame her?
It wasn’t always like that.
Sweeney has also revealed that she once considered getting breasts reduction surgery.
“When I was in high school I used to feel uncomfortable with how big my breasts were and I used to say that when I turned 18 I was going to get a breast job to make them smaller,” she told Glamor UK in December. .
Thank God she listened to her mother, who warned that she would regret it. How right she was.
A woman’s sexuality has long been used as a stick to beat her with. It’s a tired paradox as old as Joe Biden: Too sexy? You are a bitch. Too covered up? You are cold.
“When I was in high school I used to feel uncomfortable with how big my breasts were and I used to say that when I turned 18 I was going to get a breast job to make them smaller,” Sweeney told Glamor UK In December. .
Fortunately for me, by the time I was in high school, I quickly realized that larger breasts were an asset and didn’t complain. Even when they landed me in hot water.
Clothes – no matter how conservative – often looked vulgar or overly flashy. Men would stare, and one distant ex-boyfriend even considered it acceptable to show his friends intimate pictures of them.
Women’s bodies – flat-chested or plump – deserve respect. It goes without saying.
But it’s certainly refreshing to see Sweeney float forward as a symbol of unabashed, uncomplicated enjoyment of hotness.
Perhaps this is the start of a new frontier, a silencing of the blue-haired libs who love to insist that ugliness is chic.
Or maybe it’s wishful thinking.
Either way, those of us who have to live with back pain and clutch our chests when we drive over speed bumps should at least enjoy this moment to the fullest.