Dear Jana,
I’ve just started dating again after a long, sexless marriage. Is it okay to want to try my luck for a while or do women expect to have relationships? I hear everyone talk about how common one-night stands are these days, but I still date women who want more. How do you let them know you’re just looking for a little fun without hurting their feelings? Help!
Hot and hopeless
Dear Horny-and-Hopeless,
First off, kudos for taking women’s feelings into account as you navigate this bold new chapter – we love a thoughtful king!
It sounds like you want to have sex for a while, and that’s perfectly normal after a long-term relationship. In fact, that’s why I actively avoid men during the first year after a divorce, because you guys are really hot demons. But there are plenty of “Samanthas” out there looking for the same thing.
The key here is to be upfront about your sexual intentions, and dating apps can be very helpful in this situation. (Yes, I never thought I’d be promoting dating apps, but here we are.) You can clearly state in your bio that you’re looking for something casual and aren’t ready for a serious commitment. Apps like Tinder or Feeld, which are known for their sex-positive approach, are where you should focus your attention.
If you prefer to meet people in person, be honest but tactful. You could say something like, “I just got out of a long-term relationship and I’m not looking for a serious relationship.” This way, you make your intentions clear without it coming across as a harsh rejection.
Jana Hocking shares her best naughty secrets and most daring tips
Remember that not everyone will be interested in a casual encounter, and that’s okay. It’s about finding the right match for your current needs and being honest from the start. Don’t bombard your girl with love messages to get her to strip.
Good luck and enjoy your adventures. Don’t forget the condoms – you want to have a fun time, not an itchy time.
Dear Jana,
I suffer from chronic IBS and it’s keeping me from dating. It hits me every time I get nervous (which is every first date) and all I can focus on is holding in my farts while trying to get to know the guys I date. I like to think I’m attractive and have a great personality, but these nerves (and rumbling stomach) are really stifling that. How do I calm my nervous system before a date? A girl can only take so much probiotics. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Stinky
Oh stinker,
My heart goes out to you. Last week I was stuck on a plane with a man who would “bless” his fellow passengers with a horrible lint bomb every time there was turbulence. It was torture for the nostrils!
The good news is that I have two fantastic tips that have helped me in the past:
1. Exposure therapy
Yes, you want to go on as many dates as possible. Just like public speaking, the more you do it, the easier it will become. So say yes to guys you’d normally say no to and treat them like adorable test dummies. Take a deep breath, order a drink (one, not ten!), and watch the nerves begin to subside. Once you realize that dating isn’t as scary as you thought, you’ll be able to control your bowels and enjoy yourself.
2. Preparation
The more prepared you are, the less likely you are to panic. Plan your outfit the night before, book your Uber ahead of time, and write down some interesting questions to ask your date ahead of time. That way, you won’t arrive all nervous and elicit some anxious screams. I also recommend walking to your date with some relaxing music in your headphones. It’s the perfect remedy for a zen-like state.
Oh, and here’s a tip a friend gave me before a date: Tell yourself that the anxious energy you’re feeling is actually excitement. You’ll be surprised how reframing this thought can completely change your perspective.
“I’ve heard that when you want to have a conversation with a man, it’s best to do so in an environment where you don’t have to look directly at each other,” says Jana.
Dear Jana,
My husband has started to refuse sex. I have tried sexy lingerie, toys, mid-day sex texts to turn him on, but nothing works. Do you think he has lost his libido due to age? (I’ve heard that men lose their libido in their 40s) or do you think he is cheating on me? We both lead very busy lives, but I long to feel desired again. Is there a way to fix this or am I doomed?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Ah, yes, it is a very common problem. I will give you a very superficial answer and another one a little more in-depth. You will see which one suits your man better.
The first answer is pretty simple: he watches too much porn. In a recent episode of Steven Bartlett’s CEO Diary podcast, he spoke to an Instagram-famous personal trainer named James Smith about his masturbation and porn habits (it was fascinating!).
They were talking about how porn can interfere with their sex life with their real-life partners. Both admitted that if they watch it too soon before bed, they lose interest in sleeping with their partner.
They also wondered if the vast array of pornography available 24/7 online was now making them lose interest in having sex with their partners, knowing it wouldn’t be as good as what they were seeing online. Wild.
I mean, who needs a partner when you can have fun by just pressing “play”?
Both confessed that they abstained from watching porn for short periods to give their real sex life a chance and that it worked for them. So there might be a solution.
The second theory is that he’s more likely dealing with stress or something he’s worried about, rather than cheating. It turns out that stress is the number one killer of testosterone and libido.
So here’s a possible solution: Instead of busting out the sexy underwear, how about going out for a fun night? Plan something completely out of the ordinary. Maybe go rock climbing or golfing? I’ll never understand why men like golf, but they do. The key is to change things up a bit and create a fun, stress-free environment where you both can reconnect and talk openly.
Also, I’ve heard that when you want to have a conversation with a man, it’s best to do it in an environment where you don’t have to look each other in the eyes. They’re not like us women who can talk about thoughts and feelings 24/7. They need to feel relaxed and not under the spotlight. So maybe you can talk about it with him on a car ride when he’s comfortable. You’re not doomed, trust me.