The triathletes dripping with raw sewage from the Seine must have thought what the rest of us now know:
These are the worst Olympics in recent history! Literally.
It took nine years, $1.5 billion in environmental remediation, and countless 5-hour work days (this is France, folks) for Paris 2024 organizers to deem the E. coli-tainted river safe enough for athletes to swim in. Barely.
Last-minute bacterial testing caused the scheduled men’s triathlon event to be moved from Tuesday to Wednesday this week, presumably to give lifeguards a chance to fish out some floating bonbons.
As the children swam, many joked about the quality of the water.
Tyler Mislawchuk (pictured) finished ninth in the men’s triathlon and vomited after the race.
“I’m definitely going to go to the toilet later,” South African Jamie Riddle said after the race. “I drank gallons and gallons of water, so it’s going to be a fun post-race party.”
But this river farce is the least of our Olympic problems.
On Thursday, a huge gender uproar erupted after an Italian female boxer lost her fight in just 46 seconds after receiving two consecutive punches to the face.
“I had to save my life,” Italian Angela Carini told reporters after falling to the ground in tears.
Her Algerian opponent, Imane Khelif, had been disqualified from last year’s Women’s World Championships after DNA tests allegedly “proved” Khelif was intersex.
However, the International Olympic Committee, which does not conduct its own testing, inexplicably approved Khelif to play.
On Thursday, a huge gender uproar erupted after an Italian female boxer lost her fight in just 46 seconds after receiving two consecutive punches to the face.
And while the Carini incident may go down in history as the most disturbing snapshot of Paris, it will have some stiff competition.
Last Friday, the opening ceremony quickly turned into a rain-soaked Rocky Horror Show.
Serena Williams, carrying a torch, looked as if she might vomit her croissants as she staggered nauseatedly on the boat leading the procession as it headed down the murky Seine.
Perhaps he had seen the Parisian private parts exposed during Leonardo da Vinci’s odious parody of The Last Supper.
One of the performers suffered a wardrobe malfunction that left a testicle hanging out of his shiny black underwear.
The eye-searing abomination was completed by a bearded drag queen and a burly DJ, Barbara Butch, who describes herself as a “love activist.”
Then, out of a giant heater appeared a guy painted blue and wearing a thong. He was supposed to be Dionysus, the Greek god of madness and rituals, among other things.
Then, out of a giant heater appeared a guy painted blue and wearing a thong. He was supposed to be Dionysus, the Greek god of madness and rituals, among other things.
Speaking of madness, the Olympic Committee has yet to give an honest answer as to why convicted Dutch pedophile Steven Van de Velde, who served time for raping a 12-year-old girl when he was 19, has been allowed to compete.
Last Supper?
No, thanks. I’m not hungry anymore.
But athletes are starving.
Despite promising to stage the “greenest Games ever”, Olympic Village caterers have reported “very high demand” for meat and egg products.
A third of the “sustainably sourced” meals that have been imposed on the 15,000 athletes so far have been vegetarian or vegan. But, what a surprise! The world elite are not eating locally sourced quinoa and figs.
Meanwhile, our sporty boys and girls have been forced to live in prison-style dormitories with five people per bathroom, rock-hard, “eco-friendly” cardboard beds and no air conditioning.
Things got so humid and smelly in the enclosed space that American tennis sensation Coco Gauff betrayed her roommates who had escaped to a hotel room.
At least one golden girl is having fun: America’s shrinking queen, Jill Biden.
The Doctor – sans Joe – is cracking up on her ‘Goodbye Grandpa’ era European tour, sipping champagne with Zendaya, Flavor Flav and Snoop Dogg in the stands.
The Doctor – sans Joe – is cracking up on her ‘Goodbye Grandpa’ era European tour, sipping champagne with Zendaya, Flavor Flav and Snoop Dogg in the stands.
But this soft power, the softest of all, will do little to curb the trifecta of debauchery, deprivation and depravity that is being unleashed across the pond.
Can anyone save us?
Three years after her dramatic withdrawal from the Tokyo Games derailed Team USA’s podium hopes, gymnast great Simone Biles has made a triumphant return.
And as she and her top teammates proudly waved the Stars and Stripes this week, gold medals adorning their necks, Biles has shown the world that a woman’s courage as a leader pays off.
Thank you, Simone.
And please stay away from Dionisio.
Weird Olympics
In the United States, there is another competition underway: the “Who’s the weirdest?” Olympics, also known as the 2024 election.
This week, Harris’ campaign hosted a livestream called ‘White Dudes for Kamala’ with 150,000 participants.
“I’m white, I’m a man, and I’m here for Harris,” said actor Jeff Bridges.
Sounds like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump said Tuesday that his wife Melania was so traumatized by Butler’s assassination attempt that she can’t talk about it, meaning, “She either likes me or she loves me. And that’s OK.”
Breaking news: You’re all weird!
Finally free
Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich is finally free!
Russia freed him and former US Marine Paul Whelan on Thursday as part of a large-scale prisoner exchange.
Gershkovich spent 478 days in the Kremlin-controlled hell, but for him and his family, it may now take much longer to overcome this unthinkable trauma.
Hack Check!
Unhinged MSNBC harpy Molly Jong-Fast claims Trump’s vice presidential nominee JD Vance’s slur “childless catwomen” is actually a racist plot to encourage American couples to have “more white kids.”
Will someone inform this hacker that Vance and his wife Usha (daughter of Indian immigrants) have three children?
Good romance
Lady Gaga was heard at the Olympics introducing her techie boyfriend Michael Polansky to the French prime minister as her “fiancé.”
Gaga has had a series of bad romances, including a previously broken engagement.
At 38 years old and childless, let’s hope this one lasts.
Lady Gaga was heard at the Olympics introducing her techie boyfriend Michael Polansky to the French prime minister as her “fiancé.”
Silver Selleck
There are more things to like about Tom Selleck these days, but at 79 and with a full head of hair, he still makes me go gray.
Recent photographs showed what appear to be long scars on each of his knees, perhaps the result of knee replacement surgery.
I’ve just recovered from surgery to repair a torn hip and I know how hard it is to get back on your feet. I’m happy for you, Tom.
There are more things to like about Tom Selleck these days, but at 79 and with a full head of hair, he still makes me go gray.
Say it with your chest
Susan Sarandon’s busty daughter is crying over her stunning wedding dress.
Eva Amurri, 39, hit back at social media trolls who told her to “put away” her bridesmaid balloons after she shared a photo of her revealing wedding dress.
But the veritable buffet of breasts was the least of her sartorial problems.
To start with, what? is That horrible curtain-like rag hanging around his waist?
Susan Sarandon’s busty daughter is thrilled with her dazzling wedding dress.
Taco Terminator
Robots are coming to shame you for your weight!
Taco Bell is rolling out AI-powered ordering kiosks at a number of drive-thru locations across the country.
They say this will reduce customer order times, but it is clearly a matter of saving money and laying off minimum wage workers.
But what will happen to corporate profits if AI outsmarts oversized fast-food eaters with stomachs instead of brains?
‘You In fact Do you want fries with that?