You don’t reach the grand old age of 96 without learning a thing or two about human nature.
Imagine if the late queen had kept a record of all the dignitaries she had the chance to meet during her record-breaking reign. What a fascinating document it would be, how many insights could be hidden within its pages.
After all, as Craig Brown points out in his brilliant new book, A Voyage Around The Queen (serialised this week in the Mail), she has met virtually every important person over the past 70 years, including some distinctly shady characters.
Nicolae Ceaușescu, Bashar al-Assad, Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin, Donald Trump, Emperor Hirohito, Vladimir Putin: all of them were feted by His late Majesty.
Apart from the time he supposedly hid behind a bush to avoid speaking to Ceaușescu, if he had any opinions about his guests he tended to express them tangentially.
The Queen and Trump at the state banquet in 2019, when they “sat side by side… atop a huge U-shaped table overflowing with beautiful flowers and sparkling crystals.”
For example, Lord Blunkett once recalled how, during Vladimir Putin’s state visit in 2003, the Russian Prime Minister arrived almost 15 minutes late.
When his entourage finally appeared, Blunkett’s guide dog Sadie began barking. Mortified, he apologised to the Queen. She simply replied: “Dogs have interesting instincts, don’t they?”
She had a brilliant way of expressing her feelings through a few carefully chosen phrases. Perhaps her most famous was “recollections may vary,” her scathing response to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s absurd interview with Oprah Winfrey in 2021.
It follows that for the late Elizabeth II to criticise a head of state (and not just any head of state: Donald Trump, the then US president, one of Britain’s closest allies), she must have been really quite angry.
According to Brown, at a lunch a few weeks after one of Trump’s official visits, she described him to a guest as “very rude”; he writes that “she particularly disliked the way he kept looking over her shoulder, as if looking for others who were more interesting.”
She is also said to have speculated that he “must have some sort of arrangement” with his wife Melania, or else why would she have stayed married to him?
Alas! I mean, neither opinion is particularly controversial among Trump’s detractors, but coming from the late Queen herself, ever so perceptive in judging people’s character, that’s pretty damning.
Especially since, as is his wont, Donald Trump thought it had been a great success. “There are those who say they have never seen the Queen have a better time, a more lively time,” he told Fox News.
The Queen and Trump met two years in a row, in 2018 and 2019. The second time was during a state visit, when he saw her in a more informal setting at Windsor Castle (that was the occasion when he famously beat her to it, forcing her to dodge him); and again, in the much more formal setting of a state banquet at Buckingham Palace.
There, they sat side by side in the splendor of the banquet hall, atop a massive U-shaped table overflowing with beautiful flowers and sparkling crystals, flanked by ever-attentive squires and tiara-laden ladies-in-waiting.
I know this because – incredibly – I was there, somewhere near the end of that table, sitting next to Sir Simon Case (now the head of the Civil Service, but back then the man in charge of Prince William’s private office), and a step away from Tiffany Trump, the president’s daughter from his second marriage to Marla Maples. A rather shallow vessel, as I discovered when I tried to strike up a conversation with her.
It was a magnificent evening, my first (and no doubt last) glimpse of that dazzling world. The circumstances were rather strange: Jeremy Corbyn (the then leader of the opposition), being a staunch republican, had declined the invitation; as a result, my then husband, Michael Gove, had been invited in his capacity as Secretary of State for the Environment, and I as his escort.
I remember it like it was yesterday: the paintings, the gilding, the Beefeaters, the slightly odd choice of music, the incongruously drab bowls of chips at the pre-reception, the confusing arrangement of cutlery and glasses, the giant mirrors, the well-oiled formality, the Château Lafite. Especially the Château Lafite.
But the dinner itself was not even the highlight of the evening. That happened after the main event, while we were enjoying our coffee and chocolates. A discreet tap on the shoulder ushered us into an adjoining room.
It was the real-life equivalent of a humble Swiftie being handed a backstage pass to meet Tay-Tay herself.
As I wrote at the time, it was like walking into Madame Tussauds and discovering that all the wax figures had come to life. To the right, Princes Andrew and Edward. To my left, Ivanka Trump, deep in conversation with the then Duchess of Cambridge. Beyond them, Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall, just as they were. All chatting as if it were a perfectly normal drinking party.
Quite surreal, honestly, especially for a girl from Mumbles, Wales.
In the midst of it all was Trump, drawing all who came near him into his orbit, like a giant, beating orange sun. His presence was palpable: that strange stature, the bulging chest, the tilted-back head, the jutting jaw, that unique diction. It wasn’t charisma, exactly, but something else, a mix of bravado, arrogance and extreme awkwardness.
And yes, I was constantly looking over the shoulder of whoever was talking, to see if there was anyone else interesting in the room.
Melania remained aloof from the commotion around her, but watched the meeting unfold like a cat, with a face as inscrutable as the Mona Lisa’s.
I approached her, standing next to the American ambassador’s wife, whom I vaguely knew. Up close, Melania looked older, but her cat-like eyes were mesmerizing, as was her exquisite white dress set against her expensive tan. Everything about her was impeccable, from her appearance to her conversation, every inch the consummate wife of a politician.
The Queen is also said to have speculated that he “must have some sort of arrangement” with his wife Melania, or else why would she have stayed married to him? Pictured: Queen Elizabeth II, Donald Trump and Melania Trump during a state visit to London in 2019
We chatted and then, as always happens in these things, Melania went off to talk to someone more important and suddenly I found myself alone.
That’s when I saw her. Out of the corner of my eye, a small, dazzling figure dressed in sparkling white and adorned with diamonds was moving across the floor, just inches away from me. The Queen herself, Elizabeth II.
But something was not right. She did not seem at all pleased; in fact, I dare say she was extremely displeased. Around me, several squires and ladies-in-waiting snapped to attention, their royal antennae clearly on alert.
“Who left that door open?” he snapped at a nearby footman, irritation audible in his voice. “That door is supposed to remain closed.”
It was clear that something, or perhaps someone, had tested her patience to the limit. It was also very clear that she had had enough for one night and that the evening, as far as she was concerned, was over.
The ladies-in-waiting fluttered to her side, surrounding her like a flock of elegant, elderly swans… and she was gone.
Was it Donald who had irritated her? Or was she actually angry because someone had left a door open?
Recollections may vary, of course, but I have a sneaking feeling that Craig Brown is right: the door actually had nothing to do with the incident.
