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Dear Vicky,
I am a 34 year old professional living in London. I earn a decent salary, am single and live alone. Recently one of my friends called me a shopaholic and it got me thinking: am I?
I’ve definitely never considered that I might have a shopping addiction, but I often go over my budget — and I have a little credit card debt that only recently climbed into the four figures.
Many of my friends have children and families and are busy on weekends, so I often go for a walk to the shops and I always enjoy buying something. I also often shop online, especially in the evening. I sometimes keep a bunch of shopping tabs open on my computer when I’m working from home and browse through them, adding things to my cart as I see them. How do I know if I have a shopping addiction?
JE, by email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: The good news is that you are curious about your spending, rather than defensive or in denial. Let me help you ask yourself some questions to determine if you may have a shopping addiction, a shopping addiction, or if you are simply spending too much money.
If you have compulsive buying disorder, you feel a compulsive need to spend money: it doesn’t even matter what you buy, you just have to buy something. You are interrupted by frequent and intrusive thoughts about shopping, and even when you try to set limits on the amount of time you spend, you fail to stick to them.
There may be negative feelings beneath the surface that you may be trying to address through shopping, writes Vicky Reynal
You will also find yourself going over your budget and shopping will start to hinder your ability to live a normal life. A compulsion turns into an addiction when you have to shop more and more to get the same feeling (which for some is soothing). It’s like needing a “fix” for a substance addiction.
Full-spending addictions are not that common, but you may be spending too much money. This can simply be defined as spending more than you can afford, or more than you are comfortable with.
For example, if you feel guilty after shopping, this may be a sign that you would like to change your behavior. It sounds like you are spending more than you can afford as evidenced by the debt.
Even though friends and family aren’t always right, sometimes their comments – like “Wow, you don’t think about spending money at all!” or “Don’t you already have two?” – while annoying to hear, it may raise some useful questions.
The most important question I want to ask you is: why might you be spending too much? Is it possible that there are negative feelings beneath the surface that you are trying to address through shopping?
You’ve noticed some patterns, which is helpful. You mention that you shop on the weekends when friends are busy with family activities. Could it be that shopping is distracting you from feelings of sadness, loneliness or jealousy?
It seems that you also shop during work: is it possible that you are bored at work, but instead of thinking about making a change (which is difficult), you distract yourself by looking at shopping sites?
If these points resonate with you, I invite you to consider whether there is a more financially sound way to deal with your feelings.
You also go to shopping sites in the evening. What would you think if you weren’t there? What feelings are you trying to avoid as you browse through it? Would it be too hard to just sit with your feelings?
Many people end up imitating the behavior they learned from parents who, instead of sitting with them, talking about and managing their feelings, avoid them by taking action (they drank, or ate, or gambled). You may have never really learned that we can just sit with our feelings.
However, if that’s too difficult for you, why not do something else, like call a friend? Or write in a diary? Or do you go for a walk in a park instead of a main street full of shops? Or volunteer somewhere?
Some people engage in “emotional eating,” while others engage in “emotional spending,” and so I wonder: are you shopping to cope with difficult feelings?