Here’s why you’re bad with money. Psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL reveals the reasons you just can’t tackle your finances… and what to do about it

I am a procrastinator when it comes to my finances.

I just can’t do the things normal adults do, like move my money from one account to another with better interest rates or work out the rules of an Isa.

Sometimes even checking my credit card or dealing with my bank is difficult for me and I put it off. What can I do to change this?

CG by email

Vicky Reynal responds: It’s very frustrating when we know what is the best thing we can do in a situation, but we just can’t bring ourselves to make it happen.

You are not the only person who avoids taking care of your finances, but to break this pattern there are three steps that could help.

First explore the psychological reasons that make this a dreaded task. Second, recognize the real cost of avoidance, and third, create strategies to better manage the feelings at the root of the avoidance and make the task more acceptable and manageable.

The first is the most difficult. I believe that many people fail to implement change because they have not successfully identified and resolved some of the feelings that lie at the roots of avoidance.

Many might say, “it’s boring dealing with your bank” or “it’s just a task that never seems as urgent as other things life throws at me.”

However, if that were the only problem, I don’t think I would encounter as much resistance. Generally there are more.

It may be that getting involved with money fills you with fear. You may be afraid that as you approach the question ‘understand Isa’, you will start to feel confused, overwhelmed and ashamed for not understanding him. On some level, it can reconnect you with memories of feeling frustrated and inadequate while doing math homework, for example, when the problems seemed equally overwhelming.

You see, memories like this, especially if instead of a supportive teacher or parent, you had critical memories, could leave you afraid to tackle finances or worried that whoever is on the other end of the phone at the bank might judge him. or make you feel like that ‘girl’ from the past, who doesn’t understand and is embarrassed to ask.

Or perhaps, getting involved with your finances could connect to the memory of a father who became very anxious when opening envelopes containing bills: so he learned to associate attention to finances with something worrying, carrying the potential of bringing bad news. . This could be the case even if the adult part of you knows that you won’t find anything surprising on your bank statement.

Or maybe your parents argued about finances and that has also left you feeling like it’s a topic you should avoid because it’s “messy.”

You need to ask yourself: What is the feeling I’m avoiding by not looking at my financial to-do list?

How do I imagine I will feel when I commit to this? Try to connect emotions with memories.

I’ve seen people whose parents were “bad” with money become avoidant because they worry that they don’t have “what it takes” to be good and are afraid of discovering that they are, in fact, just as chaotic/irresponsible/incapable as their parents.

Discovering that we carry these beliefs beneath the surface and that they are the root of what makes it difficult to tackle a financial “to-do list” is crucial to changing it. We need to know what fears we need to manage to have a chance of overcoming them.

It’s also important to recognize the cost of your strategy (i.e., avoid it).

Try to have an internal dialogue about the fears you have discovered: are they realistic?

Avoiding doesn’t benefit you financially because you risk incurring fees, leaving mistakes undetected, missing out on better interest rates or tax-free savings, etc. It also doesn’t benefit him emotionally.

While you may be avoiding any feelings related to taking care of your finances, you are having to manage new negative feelings, such as the anxiety of “not knowing” what is happening in your account and the guilt you carry because you know you should. . more on top. And of course, if your fear was “screwing up” as a parent, avoiding it will only result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To break the pattern, try having an internal dialogue about the fears you have discovered: are they realistic?

Can feelings be managed in another way? If the fear is not understanding, can you (instead of retreating) have a notepad next to you to write down the terms you want to learn more about and understand better?

If you’re worried about tackling a task that seems too complex, can you break it down into small steps and tackle one at a time or one a day? Sometimes, reminding ourselves that we are now adults and have the ability to approach situations differently than we did as children, or even differently than how our parents handled them, can provide enough motivation to break a pattern.

Do you have any questions for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk