A top behavioral expert has revealed how to spot a narcissist and avoid falling for their tricks.
Scott Taylor told FEMAIL that it is possible to have a relationship, platonic or romantic, with a narcissist as long as you pay attention to the signs and know how to protect yourself.
The 51-year-old, from Sydney, said while most people have narcissistic tendencies, those with narcissism will use people around them as ‘tools’ to get their way.
Scott has trained with the head of the FBI and the chief interrogator at Guantanamo Bay, where he learned about ‘body language, facial micro-expressions, deception, influential behavior and statements and word analysis’ and has worked in security, safety and risk for nearly 30 more years.
He said narcissism is often mistakenly attributed to vanity because of the Greek god the personality disorder is named after, Narcissus.
A top behavioral expert has revealed how to spot a narcissist and avoid falling for their tricks
Scott Taylor told FEMAIL that it is possible to have a relationship, platonic or romantic, with a narcissist as long as you pay attention to the signs and know how to protect yourself
‘He was so mesmerized by his own beauty that he could not stop looking into a pond of water before he died. Because of the way it’s communicated, people think it’s about vanity, but it’s not just that,’ he explained.
“(Narcissists) are self-focused, they lack empathy, they are only concerned with themselves, and people are tools to use for their results.”
Scott added that narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and are obsessed with having power and success because of their need for admiration and entitlement.
‘Relationships in many elements are like bank accounts. We make a lot of deposits and the withdrawals we make determine whether it’s a healthy bank balance or whether it’s gone into overdraft, Scott said.
‘With a narcissist, it’s purely transactional to their advantage. All they care about is the payouts.’
He said that while narcissists are often very charismatic, they also often ‘fish for compliments’ to satisfy their need for admiration and often show jealousy towards others.
“If they start monitoring your movements, isolating you, gaslighting you, denying things that are obvious, if they try to minimize your needs and opinions, those are some of the stronger ones to watch out for,” Scott said.
“They show frequent envy, instead of standing up for themselves, they will show flashes of envy stronger than others, it’s something people really don’t tend to look for.”
Scott said a narcissist is self-focused, they lack empathy, they are only concerned with themselves and use people are tools to achieve their desired results (stock image)
Narcissists are also very good at ‘deviating’ by making ’empty promises’.
“You should focus on immediate action, steps and things from them, not promises, because narcissists are great with empty promises, they fill the world with them,” he explained.
Scott said that everyone has narcissistic qualities, but that doesn’t necessarily make them narcissists.
“We all have a desire for validation and admiration, but we don’t support it out of a pure belief in superiority and being above others,” he said.
‘Sometimes we want things for our own benefit, we want some admiration and we want and dream of power and success.
“But the difference with narcissists is that it’s their only motivating behavior. It’s underpinned by no empathy whatsoever, so people become tools and transactions in relationships.’
Scott said that when you’re dealing with someone you suspect might be a narcissist, you have to ‘put your own oxygen mask first’.
He said people need to set boundaries and speak up in a ‘calm and clear’ way when dealing with a narcissistic person, but you need to get your self-esteem in check first.
‘You must first pay attention to your own well-being and your behaviour. You have to focus on your own oxygen mask, then everything works better,’ he explained.
‘Once you’re centered and calm from putting your own oxygen mask on, then you have some awareness and understanding of it, it will better position you to deal with this sort of thing.’
Scott said that when dealing with someone you suspect may be a narcissist, first ‘put on your own oxygen mask’ and then set boundaries and say so in a ‘calm and clear’ way
Scott said that setting ‘very clear and consistent’ boundaries with someone you think may be narcissistic can break toxic patterns of behaviour.
He recommended doing so in a calm manner to reduce the risk of provoking an aggressive or anger-based response.
“Talk calmly but specifically about the impact of their words and actions on your life,” he said.
‘Relate it back to, ‘You’ve said this that’s made me feel this way, and as I’ve mentioned before, here’s my limit on that. I cannot accept that behaviour’.’
Scott said it’s possible to have a relationship with a narcissist if you have these elements in place, but it’s important to know when to cut ties.
‘It’s a matter of your risk appetite for what you are able to accept. You accept that this person needs some extra support and help. It’s important to have the other things I’ve mentioned first,” he said.
‘You can do that if you have clear boundaries, you are calm and centered, and you can talk consistently and specifically about whether the behavior is outside your boundaries.’
Scott said when the behavior starts to become verbally or emotionally abusive and the person starts to gas, it’s time to move on.