Dear Jane,
This is a bit of an awkward situation because I feel really bad for “gossiping” to my wife, but I really don’t know who else to turn to because I’m not sure my marriage is going to survive much longer without some serious help.
Six months ago, my wife came to me and told me she wanted to stop drinking because she was worried it was contributing to her anxiety and causing some health problems. It was a shock to me because she never mentioned that she wanted to quit smoking. alcohol before, but I told her I would happily support her in anything she wanted to do, but I explained that it was not a lifestyle choice I was willing to make.
At that point, she said she understood and insisted that she would never expect me to stop doing something just because she had decided to do it.
In the first few weeks of his sobriety, things had a lot of ups and downs. She got irritated very easily, she got moody and was much more stressed than I had ever seen her. So much so that she actually didn’t want to drink when he was around her because she was worried it would put her in a worse mood!
Dear Jane, My wife suddenly decided to stop drinking, and it has had a huge effect on our marriage. Would I be a terrible person if I divorced her because she was sober?
About a month later, he decided to try a different tactic and began experimenting with marijuana. I should point out that we live in a state where marijuana is completely legal, but it has never been something any of us have been interested in.
Well, apparently she didn’t know what she was missing and since then she started using it in almost all its forms. Smoking it, eating gummies, even using a tincture in her water. And for the most part it seemed to relax her much more than alcohol.
But here’s the thing, and I feel really bad for saying it: she has become a completely different person in the last six months. She no longer wants to go out or hang out with our friends because she can’t drink with the rest of us and she says she doesn’t feel comfortable telling them that she is using marijuana instead.
Every time I suggest we grab drinks or go out to eat, she says she’s not in the mood and would feel better if we stayed home.
He also started making snide comments about my drinking. Just stupid things like, ‘oh, are you going to have another glass of wine?’ but for some reason it’s really getting to me.
I don’t want to stop you from making changes that will help your health and well-being, but it seems like the woman I married eight years ago has completely disappeared. And I’m not sure I like the person who was left in her place.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
Does this mean my marriage is over?
Of,
Heavy pour
Dear Heavy Pour,
It doesn’t seem like your marriage is over by any means, but it does seem like you need help. You need to know that what breaks a marriage is often not something big and terrible, but rather small, unspoken things that build and build, until repairing things seems insurmountable.
It’s interesting that your wife has given up alcohol and used marijuana, and it’s not surprising that it relaxes her so much that she’s losing interest in many of the things you two enjoyed.
I have no idea if your wife would consider herself an addict or alcoholic, but I do know that it is enormously difficult to eliminate the things that help us get through the day, even when we know they are causing us harm. And it’s even harder to do it alone.
You both need support, your wife to help her understand why she makes the decisions she does, whether she is using substances to numb feelings she finds uncomfortable, and actually to help her figure out what is best for her.
You will find enormous support in Al-Anon. Whether your wife is willing or able to quit marijuana or not, you need to be in a room with other people who know exactly what she’s going through and what she’s feeling.
There is tremendous support in this community, apparently for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics, but, as anyone who has been to Al-Anon (myself included) will tell you, it is a program that will transform your life. It will teach you how powerless we are over other people’s behavior, and that our responsibility in this life is to learn to detach ourselves from behaviors that harm us, with love.
I wish you both, individually and together, the best of luck.
Dear Jane,
I’ve sunk myself into some pretty terrible debt because I can’t seem to get over my obsessive desire to shop online. I work in a pretty hard job that causes me a lot of stress so it’s not a huge amount of money.
I had to move cities for my job, so I don’t have many friends or much of a social life, and on the weekends, all I do is browse different websites and buy random things to try to give myself some time. spark of joy.
Initially it was just a small purchase here or there, but the rush I felt when a package arrived at my door was too good to resist.
So I started buying more things, from clothes to home decor, toys for my dog, a new kitchen appliance… just sticking it all on my credit card while telling myself that they were all items small enough that in They actually didn’t make much of a difference. difference.
But now those small purchases have added up and my credit card bills are huge. So big that I can’t actually afford to pay them.
I’m very stressed about my finances, but ironically, that stress just pushes me to buy more things in a desperate attempt to forget about the trouble I’m in.
How can I stop this crazy cycle?
Of,
Compulsive buyer
Dear compulsive shopper:
This is the second card about addiction, and while some might say that shopping isn’t as dangerous as drugs or alcohol, your credit card company might say otherwise.
The hit of dopamine you get every time you put something on your credit card overrides all common sense, and living with the shame afterwards is debilitating and damaging, but it’s nearly impossible to stop yourself.
As with the previous letter, I highly suggest you find a self-help group or investigate a 12-step program like Debtors Anonymous or Spenders Anonymous to help you get the support you need.
Most of these programs will not only provide you with a community of people who have been through exactly what you are going through and are willing to share their experience, strength, and hope; If you find a sponsor, they will work with you to overcome the situation. steps and create tools in your daily life that will make it easier to walk away.
You can visit http://spenders.org/abstinence.html to learn more about how these groups can help you. There may be a local meetup for you, but if not, there are plenty of online meetups.
Wishing you all the best.