DEAR JANE: I cheated on my husband by doing something desperate in bed… Will he forgive me if I tell him the truth?

Dear Jane,

I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but it’s too late now and I really need your advice.

I met my husband when we were both 29 and we got married two years later. Today we are 34.

From the beginning, one of the things I liked most about him was his focus on family.

On our third date we talked about wanting to have children, how many we would have, and even what we would name them.

But as time went on, life got in the way. I lost my job. We moved to be closer to our families and have been caring for his elderly parents.

Having children seemed to take a backseat.

I’ve spent the last 18 months saying I’d love to start trying soon, but my husband has dismissed every conversation.

He says it’s not ready yet and that we should wait until we are more established and financially secure.

I understand what he’s saying, but it’s different for him. As a woman, I feel like my biological clock is ticking.

I didn’t want to resort to egg freezing. It’s expensive and I was worried it wouldn’t work.

So, eight months ago, I stopped taking birth control and didn’t tell my husband. I know it sounds bad, but I was really getting desperate. Of course, we continued to have sex normally and now… I’m two months pregnant.

I’m scared to tell him. I’m sure he’ll be happy for the baby, but I don’t know if I should admit what I did. It’s really ruining the joy I feel about being a mother.

I’ve lied to her, or at least kept the truth from her, and I feel terrible. But I don’t know if it’s worth telling her either. She’s always wanted children, and this could be the push she needs.

So what do I do, Jane? Should I lie to him and tell him it was just a happy accident? Or confess what happened and face the consequences?

Of,

Hopeful mother

Dear Hopeful Mother,

The first thing I want to say is that I congratulate you on your pregnancy.

It seems like you’ve been waiting a long time and I know how strong the pressure of that biological clock can be.

I’m sorry that hiding the truth from your husband is affecting your joy. Unfortunately, that’s the problem with lying: there are always consequences, and yours is proving to be quite a heavy burden.

I don’t think there is a clear answer here.

I firmly believe that secrets are a disease and that we should try to live our lives honestly.

But I also believe that we should move through life trying to cause the least possible harm to all parties involved.

So I wonder if maybe you should wait.

As much as you want to get this out of your system so you can get through this pregnancy unencumbered by a lie, I don’t see what good it would do to reveal this now.

Tell her it was a happy accident and let nature take its course. With any luck you’ll have a beautiful baby in a few months and then you can decide if you want to confess what happened to you.

I suspect that if you decide to tell him the whole truth, it will be better received once you both have fallen in love with your son.

Parenthood is magical, and once you have a baby, any fuss about how they came to be probably seems irrelevant.