Dear bel
I am a truck driver who still works 15 hours a day at 73 years old. When I was 20, I married an elegant girl who I loved because she was thin. (I hate myself for this, but if a girlfriend gained weight, she would break up with me.)
We had two children who I loved, but she had an affair.
Some time later I met a lovely girl called Pat who was 7½ years old. As the years went by, her weight doubled, so we separated but remained friends.
I visited Thailand with a friend to enjoy the single life, but started a four-year relationship. It ended because I wouldn’t get married.
I decided to take a vacation in the Philippines and met a pretty girl named Mia. Hours later, he was visiting her family in a hut with no water.
We stayed in touch and I visited them again a year later, after caring for my parents, both of whom had dementia. Mum left me £1,500 and I bought land from Mia’s family and built them a house.
Mia came to visit me and begged me not to send her home. I told her she wouldn’t marry me. She said she wanted to work and send money. I eventually married her, but I warned her that we would separate once she gained status.
The only person I told was my ex, Pat. I gave my daughters large sums of money so they wouldn’t be upset with Mia.
She got her UK passport and worked in a care home, cleaning houses and sending money home. She passed the time, he loved her but not in a truly romantic way.
Five years ago, I was on vacation in Thailand while Mia visited the Philippines. I had a massage with a beautiful young woman, Kulap. I asked her out and she stayed with me for the next 12 days. She was in love like never before. But Mia was coming, so I told Kulap that he was married.
She didn’t want to talk to me, but I gave her £1,200. When I got home I became seriously ill and Pat and Mia saved my life. Kulap stayed in touch and I saw her again. It felt so good to have this beautiful girl on my arm.
Pat saw my emails and told Mia. They went crazy. Then my daughters found out. It’s not nice at all, they said, a 73-year-old man with a 37-year-old man. I explained that I wanted to rekindle the romance, but everyone took Mia’s side.
I will still go to Thailand. Am I wrong to want two weeks of happiness? Come on, shoot me.
Bel advises a 73-year-old reader who is considering leaving his wife for a 37-year-old Thai masseuse
Do you really want to sit at the shooting range like a plastic duck at the fair while I take aim?
Instead, I will reach out and take the duck out of the field and cradle it in kind hands. Poor duck, I whisper, why are you preparing for a trip to the plastic recycling box?
His handwritten letter was 18 neat pages and he closed it by apologizing that it “turned into a novel.”
The upside is that there is a wealth of information, just summarized here, and I must confess to readers (who will be gawking at your tale of vanity and romance under exotic skies) that you are honest about your flaws and not entirely stupid and selfish. You look like an old man.
There’s a silly life force behind those pages that grudgingly excites me. Even riding a motorcycle… age won’t wither you… or so you think. But let’s get to the point. You ask: ‘Am I wrong for wanting two weeks of happiness?’
Well, yes, Fred, you are. The price of your Mills & Boon nonsense is too high.
Your notion of “happiness” is sitting on a moonlit beach with a Thai woman on your arm who is young enough to be your daughter.
You have a superficial and permanent obsession with good looks (including your own) and you can’t see beyond that. Oh, you acknowledge that Mia’s hard work at the residence is admirable, but you justify your longing for Kulap by assuring me that “you’re not a bad person” and you deserve “happiness for two weeks in ’52.”
Your loyal and loving Filipino wife kicked you and threw a vase when she found out about your lies and cheating. Go, Mia!
Despite everything, she wants to stay with you. Why, when you’ve already said she can keep the house? He has been financially generous to many people, but he should ask himself if that will get him off the hook.
You are 73 years old and if it weren’t for the two women you have hurt so much, you would have died.
You have two daughters who you love, but who strongly disapprove of the actions of their old goat father.
You are a grandfather as far away as ever from dignity and common sense, who concludes his saga with the phrase: ‘No one has ever loved me as much as Mia, but with Kulap I can’t help it.’
Oh please! What will happen when you can no longer drive trucks (soon, surely?) and you have no extra money?
Why not ask yourself who will cut your toenails and clean you when you are old?
What would you do if Mia gave up on you?
Why not stop the nonsense and save your own life?
My man drinks to drown out debt problems
Dear Bel,
My partner and I live together and we have a seven-month-old daughter.
My partner has his own business that hasn’t done very well for a couple of years and has gone into debt. I feel like we no longer have any intimacy, and I’m not just talking about sex. He shows little affection and sleeps on the couch because he says he’s worried about money.
I’m sure he’s in debt, but he uses this as an excuse to drink a lot. He recently didn’t come home for three days and only told me the first night that he was going to sleep on the couch at work.
The second night I thought he would come back but he didn’t show up and his phone was off. He’s back, but I’m angry with him. This isn’t a unique thing either, as he previously hadn’t bothered to tell me that he wouldn’t be coming home more than once, although this is the first time it’s lasted more than one night.
This time I was “out” when he came back and asked me if I had talked to anyone today. She is trying to claim (as she has done before) that I am upset because I haven’t talked to anyone else. I did it and it wasn’t that.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a hairdresser’s appointment in the morning and he was supposed to be taking care of our daughter, but when I got up, it was clear he was still drunk.
I’m fed up and I feel like a single mother anyway. Should I give up and quit? Or is it worth trying again even if I’ve already told you how I feel?
SUSIE
The situation you describe would be considered intolerable by most women.
After 16 years sitting in the advice columnist’s lumpy, well-worn and patched chair, I wonder how many times I’ve brought up the fact that couples should consider each other and have conversations.
In truth, older people may find that they have run out of chat (as well as hopes and dreams), but you are young and have a life ahead of you. Oh, and a child too.
Because your man’s strange, selfish behavior is unacceptable, he might say, “Oh, call it a day and find someone else.” But you have a young daughter, so serious thinking, followed by cool, decisive action, is essential.
First, I wonder how long you have been together and if the baby was planned. You see, it seems like you don’t know the man very well.
You write: ‘I’m sure he’s in debt, but he’s using this as an excuse to drink a lot’… but it sounds like two vitally important topics haven’t been discussed, as they should be between a couple in love. You need to know more about your business. If he is sleeping on the couch because he is stressed and miserable, you should try to help him. But if he has withdrawn because he no longer wants to be your partner, that is also something that needs some attention. Surely?
You say you’ve told him how you feel, but in what terms? If my man stayed like this, I would like to know if he is having an affair. Then tell him that without honesty there is no relationship, so do you want me to leave or not?
Without temper, because that diminishes control. But I would insist on knowing… or else there will be no future.
Of course, you could go to couples therapy, but that would be a step that would be taken after a decisive discussion.
I can understand why you say that you are already like “a single mother”, since you lack help and sympathy from the man you share your life with.
He loves you? You love him? Does he love your daughter? None of this information is in his letter, so he has to start talking.
If you are going to separate, the smaller the baby, the better, although life will be hard for you. But worse than a home without love? No.
And finally… Help this great grandmother recover!
When I was a university student in London (1966-9), King’s Road was full of boutiques; Cool young men lounging outside wore vintage stripes and Lord Kitchener’s Valet jackets in scarlet and gold, and beautiful girls in mini fur coats and tiny dresses crowded the sidewalks like iridescent butterflies. The soundtrack was Jimi Hendrix, the Kinks, the Beatles, Bobbie Gentry, Aretha Franklin, Motown… and oh, what a joy it was to be alive at that dawn.
Now, those hits and those clothes may still resonate in our minds, but the ’60s generation got older… and older… and now here we are, still feeling great, but probably thinking about hip replacements, aids for mobility and wondering how we all manage to dance. night and I still get up in the morning.
In the past, the bed was synonymous with sex; Now I reflect on how to feel more comfortable reading my book. There’s nothing wrong with any of that; We all have to go with the flow. What’s more, young people recovering from accidents or illness need all kinds of help to make their lives easier, even if their idea of music is dance or grime!
So I was delighted to find a fantastic website called Granny Gets A Grip. To understand the name, you have to know that one of the coolest boutiques in Chelsea was called Granny Takes A Trip and believe me, that trip wasn’t a day on a bus with a pack of sarnies.
The website was founded by two friends who point out that the entire aging process may have changed in our time (look at fashion and vacations, for example), but “no one stays in their prime forever; there’s no way to overcome the aging process. and physical deterioration finishes us all off in the end.’
Sophie Dowling and Miranda Thomas have experienced caring parents and “now we’re getting older and we felt like we could take advantage of that experience.”
And grannygetsagrip.com is the result, full of things I think many of you might find useful. And this great grandmother too.
This column is from the Bel Mooney archive and was originally published on July 23, 2021.