In recent months, even the quietest trill of criticism of Taylor Swift has been tantamount to betrayal.
Dare to ask, “What’s all the fuss about?” and you’ll soon regret it: you’ll face death threats, doxing, and online attacks orchestrated by their rabid fan base, the Swifties.
I learned this the hard way, after arguing in an article for the Mail last summer that this 34-year-old breakup-obsessed billionaire was (let’s whisper it) something of a cynical capitalist who can’t really dance, sing or produce anything. . that original.
But, after the release of their latest album, The Tortured Poets Department, and the shockingly bad PR that preceded it, something delightful has happened.
It seems that even Saint Taylor’s most loyal apostles are finally waking up from their slumber of rapid delusion and realizing that maybe – just maybe – she’s not all that!
Criticism of the album began earlier this week when a pop-up promotional ‘library installation’ appeared in Los Angeles.
The exhibit, sponsored by Spotify, featured shelves full of clues about the upcoming release.
Books with “poetic” lyrics scribbled on tea-stained paper, the same kind you made in fifth grade for that treasure map school project, were mocked online.
After the release of their latest album and the shoddy, cringe-inducing PR, something delightful has happened. It seems that even Saint Taylor’s most loyal apostles are finally awakening from his rapid delusional slumber.
Criticism of the album began earlier this week when a pop-up promotional ‘library installation’ appeared in Los Angeles.
The exhibit featured shelves full of clues about the upcoming release. The ‘poetic’ letters scribbled on tea-stained paper, the same kind you did in fifth grade for that treasure map school project, were mocked online.
Each page was neatly signed with the Spotify logo. soooo classy, while other shelf items included kitsch busts, clocks and antique globes meant to look antique and academic.
And then there were the letters themselves. Early fragments of Taylor’s great future thesis, examples of which included: “my muses, acquired like bruises”; ‘even statues crumble if kept waiting’; and ‘when he was leaving, I felt like he was breathing.’
Then on Wednesday, Twitter erupted with the news that the album, set to be released on Friday, had leaked in its entirety. But more shocking than the crime of piracy was that the musical content seemed more tortured than the poet.
Naive, uninspired, cheesy, the lyrics read like high school diary entries that even the most die-hard fans will struggle to defend.
You do not believe me? Here are my ten most devious Taylor clangers!
10.
‘God save the most judgmental bastards / Who say they want the best for me / Performing self-righteous soliloquies I’ll never see.’
Clue: ‘But dad, I love him’
What’s in the thesaurus?
Interestingly, this song seems to be aimed at fans who were offended by her brief romance with accused racist Matty Healy.
Swiftie Surprise! Now you have your own song about how much Taylor wants to break up…. with you!
9.
‘Now I’m very depressed, crying in the gym’
Track: ‘Down Bad’
For those who aren’t 15 or younger, being “depressed” is being blatantly interested in having a sexual relationship. Taylor Swift is 34 years old.
8.
‘His hands so callused by his gun gently trace hearts on my face’
Hint: ‘I can fix it (no, I really can)’
Seriously, Taylor? Are we honestly to believe that the nepo-baby of indie rocker Matthew Timothy Healy, son of British TV presenter Denise Welch, is a bad boy?
7.
‘Who is afraid of my little one?… You should be’
Clue: ‘Who’s Afraid of Little Me?’
Petrifying, Tay Tay! What’s really scary is how uninspired these lyrics are.
6.
‘Touch me while your brothers play Grand Theft Auto’
Track: ‘So High School’
Let us remember that these are the ‘poems’ of a woman who is approaching 40 years old.
5.
‘All my friends smell like marijuana or babies’
Clue: ‘Florida!!!’
Die-hard fans highlight this line for its particular genius. It smells like desperation to me…
4.
‘I’m an Aston Martin that you drove straight into the ditch / Then he ran and hid.
Track: ‘I’mgonnagetyouback’
Aston Martin! She’s just like you and me!
3.
‘You’re not Dylan Thomas / I’m not Patti Smith / This isn’t the Chelsea Hotel / We’re modern idiots’
Track: ‘The Department of Tortured Poets’
I guess being self-aware counts for something, right?
Naive, uninspired, cheesy, the lyrics read like high school diary entries that even the most die-hard fans will struggle to defend.
2.
‘We’d pick a decade / We wish we could live instead of this one / I’d say the 1830s, but without all the racists’
Clue: ‘I hate it here’
Beyond parody. This is one of the lyrics that I had to wait for the official release to check if it was real.
If no reviewer can muster the courage to call out this nonsense, I will officially believe that Swift is paying everyone.
1.
‘You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate / We declared that Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist / I scratch your head and you fall asleep / Like a tattooed golden retriever’
Track: ‘The Department of Tortured Poets’
Do not answer. Maybe the worst set of lyrics I’ve ever seen.