DEAR JANE: My husband tried to CHEAT on me with my daughter (his stepdaughter)…but I can’t divorce him for an infuriating reason.

Dear Jane,

I feel very humbled putting this into words but I really need some advice.

I just found out that my husband, who I have been married to for 20 years, made a pass at my 28 year old daughter (his stepdaughter) two years ago while I was away.

Last week, he finally confessed.

Apparently I had invited her to ‘cuddle’ in OUR bed when I was away from home on a business trip.

Luckily, my daughter laughed at his advances, but he didn’t make it easy on her, telling her that she had been “making fun of him for years” and that she was really trying.

She said the secret had been eating her alive and she felt she had to tell me now, but she begged me not to say anything.

Frankly, the whole situation has left me disgusted with both of them.

It makes me sick to think of him making advances on her, especially since he always treated her like she was his daughter.

Her father, my first husband, died when she was very young, and my second husband moved in with us when he was only 6 years old.

He walked her to school, helped coach her children’s soccer team, and even taught her how to drive.

It’s made me question our entire marriage. I feel like a terrible mother for letting this man into our home. I can’t look at him the same way!

I must admit that it also hurts me that my daughter hasn’t said anything for two years. Could it be that she doesn’t trust me?

But the worst part of this terrible situation is that we believe my husband may be suffering from the early stages of dementia.

He turned 75 this year, and after some close friends pointed out some memory lapses and strange mood swings, we convinced him to schedule an appointment with a neurologist to get some tests done.

He’s been slowly getting upset at home over little things like me driving from the backseat and what TV shows I like to watch. Plus, he’s definitely becoming VERY forgetful and easily confused.

So what the hell do I do?

I don’t think I can ever forgive him and move on after what he did to my daughter. Things might have been different if he had tried to harass someone outside of the family; maybe I could have forgiven him for that transgression. But this crossed the line.

I want to divorce him, but I’m worried about my responsibilities regarding his health.

He has very little family of his own (he has no siblings and his parents are dead).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Of,

Disgusted and disturbed

Dear upset and disturbed,

The first thing I want to say is that I am so sorry you are going through this.

It must feel like a huge betrayal and I completely understand why it makes you question your entire marriage.

I think it’s crucial that you try to take a step back emotionally to fully assess the situation.

It sounds like your husband is exhibiting many of the early signs of dementia, and in fact, one of the common indicators may be a lack of inhibition, a loss of impulse control, and all sorts of changes in judgment and personality.

This is not to say that it is any less serious, but it may be worth considering as a possible reason for what appears to be such an out-of-the-ordinary action.

The upcoming appointment with the neurologist should give you a better idea of ​​your husband’s health situation and leave you in a better position to assess how to move forward.

If you are in the early stages of dementia, you can work with your doctors to discuss care options, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you can make any important decisions until you have the full picture. If this new behavior is somehow related to his mental deterioration, something that is beyond your control, then perhaps you will find the strength to forgive him.

The only thing that concerns me in your letter is that you say you are also upset with your daughter, and I’m not sure where that is coming from.

Your daughter found herself in a terrible situation that she did not choose. It seems to me that the only possible reason you decided not to tell her right away was to protect her from the enormous pain you knew it would cause her.

Forgiveness is paramount here, as is compassion.

Just as your husband needs a support system, I would say you and your daughter do too.

Whether it’s in the form of a therapist or a support group, seek it out early.

And if that self-protection ultimately means leaving him and prioritizing yourself, make sure you have everything in order.

It may be helpful to keep a written record of your husband’s behavior and any other incidents that may be important both medically and legally.

Wishing you all peace.