Dear Jane,
My teenage daughter has been going through a difficult time recently and her moods have become increasingly difficult to manage.
After a particularly bad tantrum that involved her running away from our house, I sank to a pretty low ebb and began snooping around her room in an attempt to find something, anything! – that would give me an idea of what’s going on with her.
While I was snooping around, I found his diary and I’m sorry to say, I started reading it and what I read was just horrible.
They say you can’t stop ringing a bell, and it turns out you can’t stop reading a newspaper either.
Dear Jane, I was snooping around my daughter’s room and ended up reading her diary. What she has written about me hurts me a lot.
I discovered that she has been harboring all sorts of resentful feelings towards me for months – and that she has essentially lost all respect for me, because she thinks my role as a housewife and mother makes me ‘useless’ and ‘lazy’.
She feels that I am jealous of her and that I am determined to stop her from pursuing her “dream” of becoming a singer because I am envious of not being able to achieve the same success in my own life.
It went on and on and on.
By the time I forced myself to close the damn thing, I was crying. And since then I haven’t been able to look her in the eyes.
Believe me when I say that I know I did the wrong thing by reading the diary in the first place; No matter how desperate she was, she shouldn’t have invaded his privacy like that. But the fact is, I did it and now I know exactly how it feels.
So what do I do about it?
I don’t even know how to begin to approach the conversation; It’s clear that our relationship is incredibly damaged, but I don’t know how to repair it.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to have to confess that I’ve read her diary, although I haven’t even been able to tell my husband, but I’m terrified that’s the case. I’m just going to give you more ammunition against me.
Please help.
Desperate snooper
Dear Desperate Snooper:
That’s why you don’t read other people’s diaries, text messages, or emails. I am very sorry to confirm what you already know: that this is a huge betrayal of trust and, even though you are now enlightened and want to repair your relationship with your daughter, you are in an impossible situation.
You cannot and should not tell your daughter that you read her diary. The betrayal is huge, especially for a young woman who is expressing her innermost thoughts, and you will be doing your relationship a disservice if you try to assuage your guilt honestly.
I’m afraid you have to bear this now. But, given that you now know exactly how she feels and given, I believe, your willingness to make amends, you can do it.
Not by confessing, but with your unconditional love and support for her to follow her dreams, with your encouragement. Telling him that you are not jealous is irrelevant; Now you have to show her how much you support her.
As for bad moods, your job is not to manage her moods, but to recognize that this is all part of her growing up, and that trying to manage what you find uncomfortable is giving her the unconscious message that she doesn’t matter, that she is You are not important and you have no right to feel what you feel.
It’s so easy to get tangled up with our children and allow their moods to dictate how we feel.
Learning to detach, to understand that your moods are your moods, that you did not cause them, that you cannot control or cure them, is essential for a healthy relationship between the two of you.
There is a lot of literature on codependency, and Al-Anon meetings contain a wealth of information on how to detach from other people’s behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
As for her considering you useless and lazy, let it go. She doesn’t feel seen or heard, and she expresses her frustration and anger using ripe fruit. She will feel different as she matures, especially if she feels loved and supported by you.
It is never too late to change or to learn a lesson. Spying never ends well; Please don’t do it again and focus on allowing your daughter to be who she is, instead of who you need her to be for you to feel comfortable.
Dear Jane,
I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time the other night and it was a disaster from start to finish.
Firstly, I was late due to a public transport nightmare, which got the whole evening off to a terrible start. Then during the meal I ended up choking on my food and coughing it all over the table.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, I made the stupid mistake of joking about Donald Trump, only to find out that both my boyfriend’s mom and dad voted for him and plan to do so again.
By the end of the meal, I was about to die of embarrassment, while they seemed to have been sucking on sour lemons throughout dinner.
My boyfriend keeps laughing about it and assuring me that he wasn’t offended or upset, but I have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ll be judged by that first impression forever.
Normally I would consider myself a pretty “compensated” person, but all of this has turned me into a paranoid mess. I’m desperate for more security but I don’t know how to get it. I’ve thought about sending them flowers or a card to apologize, but my boyfriend insists he’d make a bigger deal of it.
I know he’s getting upset because I bring it up constantly, but I can’t get it out of my head.
Any ideas on how I can calm down?
Of,
Date night misfortune
Dear date night Misfortune,
This doesn’t sound as bad as you think, but either way, a thank you card with an apology for being late would do the trick. Having our partner’s parents love you is what many of us want, but trying too hard is likely to push them away.
The next time you see them, try to relax and be yourself.
Your boyfriend doesn’t seem worried about your behavior or his parents’ reaction. It’s always a pleasure to receive a handwritten thank you card and would certainly go a long way to creating a good second impression.
And please stop worrying about it. They don’t know you and your job is not to make them love you. Be natural, be yourself and see how it goes.