Dear Jana,
My boyfriend’s dad keeps sending me messages that border on creepy. Last year we started a family group chat with my partner’s family and their partners to plan Christmas parties, and ever since then his dad has my number and sends me private messages late at night when he knows my partner is away on business.
They always start off innocently enough, asking if I’m okay and if I need anything while he’s gone, and then he says things like “a pretty girl shouldn’t be left home alone” and “if you need strong male company, I’m available.”
It’s putting me in a very awkward position. I don’t want to cause problems between my partner and his father, but I also want his father to stop crossing the line. How can I deal with this situation?
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Unfortunately, perverts come in all sorts of forms: bosses, colleagues, great uncles, that strange guy staring at you from across the bar. Unfortunately, you’ve stumbled upon a difficult guy. Clearly, he’s not someone you can just bluntly tell to fuck off. So, let’s get crafty!
Every time she writes to me, I respond in a way that doesn’t fail to mention your partner. For example, if she says, “If you need strong male companionship,” tell her, “Thank you, I’ve managed to find more than enough in your son.”
Or, you can take it a step further and say things “innocently” in front of the whole family that imply that he’s been texting you separately. For example, “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text *John, I was fast asleep.” Hopefully, that will embarrass him enough to stop the sneaky texting.
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The key to this is to set a very clear boundary. For some reason, many men confuse friendliness with flirting, so be polite but firm with your responses.
If all else fails, screw it, show your partner. If he’s a good man, he’ll figure it out for you.
Dear Jana,
Last year I was watching a crime documentary and there was a man on the show who was serving time for something stupid he did as a young adult.
I was mesmerized by his kind blue eyes and was disturbed by his story – seeing the injustice he received for something stupid he did when he was still trying to find his place in the world. We’ve all done stupid things when we were young… only he got caught.
I decided to send him a letter in prison and get in touch. Since then we have been in touch weekly through calls and letters and I am developing real feelings for him. I think he is too.
My family and friends would be horrified to find out that my potential future boyfriend is a recluse, but I know he has a good heart.
Should I give this relationship a chance and suffer the consequences, or do you think I risk having my heart broken and my reputation ruined?
Anita.
Dear Anita,
As a former lover of a prison girl, I can understand the attraction. My boyfriend was in and out of prison twice while we were dating, and it was all very exciting and scandalous… until it wasn’t.
You see, it’s a rite of passage to go through a “bad boy” phase. Some of us just take it a little too far. Even if the guy has a good heart and has changed his ways, you have to look at the bigger picture.
This man is completely crazy about you because he is literally locked away in an institution with no other woman in sight. How exciting for him to receive regular correspondence from a woman who is clearly a little thirsty for him (there’s no denying it, you shameless demon).
As a former lover of a woman who served time in prison, I can understand the attraction. My boyfriend was in and out of jail twice while we were dating, and it was all very exciting and scandalous… until it wasn’t, writes Jana Hocking (above).
I feel like you’re putting all your eggs in one basket with a guy who might just get out of prison and be in a larger pool of women to ogle with his pretty blue eyes. So for now, I’d keep him as a cheeky pen pal and save the more important conversations for when he gets back out into the real world.
You also have to ask yourself: Are you a little bored and turned on by a hot inmate? I get it. I’ve seen those crime documentaries and felt a little turned on. But maybe part of your interest in an incarcerated man is knowing he’s not out there sowing his seed. Put it on the back burner and date multiple people. You’ve got plenty of time to work out those bigger questions once you’re out of prison.
Dear Jana,
My partner is always groping me in public and that is way out of my comfort zone. I am an affectionate person who loves holding hands and sharing a kiss, but lately he has taken it a bit further.
He lets his hands slide between my legs if we’re sitting at a table or in a theater, and he grabs my butt when I lean in for a kiss. I feel uncomfortable with the people around us and I don’t enjoy it. How do I tell him to stop without sounding like a prude?
Fatima.
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Oh Fatima, we love a man who shares a mutual love language, and physical contact is the best of all! But this lustful demon needs to calm down.
You’re not a prude at all for feeling a little uncomfortable when he gropes you so outrageously in public. I was stuck on a plane with a couple last week who kissed and moaned for the entire hour-long flight. It was GROSS and gave most of us around them a serious case of the yuck. So I think it’s only good manners to keep a PG attitude in public.
I would playfully slap his hand whenever he tried to caress me and say something sexy like “wait until we get home and then you can go crazy.” That way you don’t hurt his fragile male ego and you put naughty thoughts in his head for later. Everyone wins.