Whether it’s in the schoolyard, an after-work drink at the pub or a PTA meeting, we all want, on some level, to be “popular” with our peers.
But why is it so important for people to feel liked by others? FEMAIL spoke to three psychologists to find out why it’s so important to be liked by most people, what things you can do to be more liked, and what things will turn people off.
According to psychologist Dr Madeleine Roantree, a member of the British Psychological Society, there are several reasons behind the human desire to be popular.
Speaking to FEMAIL, Dr Roantree explained that one of these reasons “connects to our evolutionary need for social connection, belonging and status, which were crucial for survival in early human societies.”
He added that since humans are “inherently social creatures,” the need to belong is one of our most fundamental psychological requirements, as highlighted by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. He notes that “being loved and accepted by others helps satisfy this need.”
Dr Lalitaa Suglani (pictured) is a clinical psychologist and has revealed a list of tips to help you become more popular.
‘When people have a sense of belonging, they experience greater emotional stability, happiness and self-esteem. Popularity can serve as a sign that one is included and valued within a social group,’ he explained.
He added that, in addition to increasing self-esteem, popularity also offers evolutionary advantages. Today, that can come in the form of expanded career opportunities, friendships, and a broad support network.
Not being liked can lead to fear of rejection and social exclusion, he added, which in turn can trigger feelings of loneliness, anxiety and even depression.
Another, perhaps more nefarious, reason for wanting to be popular may be a person’s desire to have influence within a social group, Dr. Roantree explained.
However, as Dr Nihara Krause MBE, consultant clinical psychologist and member of the British Psychological Society, pointed out, an extreme desire to be liked or seek popularity (often seen in adolescence) can be harmful in the long term and lead people to make “superficial connections” with others.
Dr Madeleine Roantree (pictured) explained why, psychologically, it is so important to feel loved by others in your social group.
But she noticed; ‘Psychologically, being popular makes a person feel positive about themselves and can increase their self-esteem and confidence. It might also help some people stop feeling lonely.’
However, it is not always easy to know how to best approach social situations. So FEMAIL spoke to Birmingham-based chartered psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani, author of High Functioning Anxiety: A 5-Step Guide to Calming Inner Panic and Thriving, for advice.
She expressed that being liked is rooted in one’s belief in oneself and ensuring that one is the most “authentic” version of oneself.
There are also more concrete steps you can take to show people your best side, including being an active listener and using specific body language.
Here, we analyze his 15 tips to be popular…
1. Create authenticity
According to Dr. Suglani, people are attracted to those who are genuine and real.
He added: “Showing your true self, without trying to impress or be someone you are not, creates deeper and more meaningful connections, and the energy speaks so that people can sense if you are not being authentic and can naturally distance themselves from you.” .
2. Active listening
Making people feel heard is important when it comes to building relationships.
Dr. Suglani said, “Pay attention to what they say without interrupting and ask questions that demonstrate genuine interest.”
‘People love to be surrounded by people who make them feel valued. Specifically choose to listen instead of trying to fill the space with your voice for the sake of it.
3. Positive body language
POPULAR: Being authentic, engaging in active listening, and having positive body language will help you be likable. Stock image used
“Nonverbal cues like smiling, maintaining eye contact, and an open posture make you appear approachable and friendly,” Dr. Suglani told Femail.
‘These small adjustments can dramatically improve how others perceive you. This includes NOT looking at your watch or phone, as this can show disinterest.’
Dr. Krause agreed, adding that nonverbal communication (e.g., making eye contact, an open posture, smiling, or nodding) can make people more willing to like you.
4. Show empathy
“The ability to understand and share the feelings of others makes you relatable and compassionate,” Dr. Suglani said. “Empathy strengthens bonds, whether with colleagues, friends or acquaintances.”
Dr. Krause agreed that “emotional engagement” (showing empathy, kindness, building trust by being genuine, avoiding constant criticism or judgment) will likely make people like you more.
5. Master the art of conversation
Being a good conversationalist isn’t just about talking, it’s about knowing when to listen, share, connect and give feedback. Find common interests and maintain a balance between talking and listening.
6. Boost others
People love to be around people who make them feel good. Congratulate others sincerely, celebrate their achievements and support them. When you help others shine, they will naturally gravitate towards you.
7. Be positive and optimistic
Dr. Suglani noted that a positive attitude is contagious. “When you radiate optimism, you lift the spirits of those around you and make people want to spend more time with you because they feel light instead of heavy,” he said.
Dr. Krause agreed, adding that positive interactions “for example, actively listening, paying full attention to the speaker, not interrupting, and using positive but genuine language (for example, descriptive praise rather than false praise)” will likely help you. make more popular.
8. Develop emotional intelligence
Understand not only your emotions but also those of others. Emotional intelligence helps you navigate social situations, resolve conflicts, and build stronger relationships. It means being able to regulate your emotions.
9. Be generous with your time
Offering your time and attention, whether helping someone or simply being present during conversations, strengthens connections. People remember how you made them feel.
10. Adaptability in social situations
Being able to adjust your communication style or behavior depending on your environment demonstrates social awareness. Flexibility makes you more accessible in various situations.
12. Make a joke (and not the same one over and over again)
Laughter is a social glue and humor lights up any room. Just don’t turn every conversation into a routine.
A well-timed joke or funny observation can break the ice and make you more memorable. What if you’re not naturally funny? Don’t worry: being able to laugh at yourself is always a victory.
13. Stop ‘trying too hard’
Sometimes the secret to being more popular is to stop trying to be popular. People can sense when you’re overthinking every move.
The most likable people are those who are comfortable with themselves and don’t constantly seek approval. Relax, don’t force it and let the connections flow naturally.
14. Balance the give and take
Relationships thrive when there is a balance between giving and receiving. People are attracted to those who are generous with their time, help, or attention, but who also leave room for others to contribute.
Think of it like a tennis match, not a one-way ping pong game!
15. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable
Sharing a little of your own challenges or insecurities can deepen connections.
No one expects you to be invincible or perfect; If anything, this shows that you are relatable. Showing that you are human makes others feel more comfortable being themselves around you.
Adding one final point, Dr. Krause noted that “people who have positive self-esteem are more well-liked.”
He added: “This is interesting because a person who has self-esteem will be genuine and will naturally feel comfortable socially.” They are more likely to be open and still able to set appropriate boundaries and say no, they will not put themselves down, and they are more likely to make healthy decisions in their relationships. All of these qualities attract people naturally without having to try to please them.’
