Word from the Bronx is that former drunk Ben Affleck could return to the sauce, as his storybook romance with Jenny from the Block reaches its dark final chapter.
But things were going so well!!
Remember when Arco’s Jennifer showed up to order grumpy Boston Ben to “look friendlier.” He looks motivated,’ as she frowned at the Grammys ceremony last year.
Nothing like a public reprimand to rev up those engines of love.
Now, sadly, the Daily Mail’s Alison Boshoff is reporting that a divorce is “imminent,” leaving friends worried that Bloated Ben may be “drinking again.”
If it’s true, could you blame the poor idiot?
The truth is that I would also drain the bottle to the last drop if I were married to such an attention-hungry diva.
Now, sadly, the Daily Mail’s Alison Boshoff is reporting that a divorce is “imminent,” leaving friends worried that Bloated Ben may be “drinking again.”
Remember when Arco’s Jennifer showed up to order grumpy Boston Ben to “look friendlier.” He looks motivated,’ as he sat scowling at the Grammys ceremony last year.
J.Lo’s apparent panic over her fading fame recently led her to mistakenly release an album ‘This is Me… Now’, a musical film ‘This is Me… Now: A Love Story’ (I hated it) and TMI’s The Cherry on This Sundae is a public colonoscopy (I mean documentary) nauseatingly titled, “The Greatest Love Story Ever Told.”
In one scene from the hagiography, Affleck is shocked to learn that his wife shared all of his private correspondence… with his friends!
Is it any wonder that Ben, his insides torn apart, his life grudgingly torn apart and torn apart by clicks and ticket sales (How’s that stadium tour going, Jen? Too soon?), is in crisis?
All this mediocre Masshole ever wanted was to see his Red Sox and eat his Jack in the Box in peace. But nooo… Commander López wanted motivation!
In fact, such is her obsession with hard work, exercise, her appearance and his, that Lopez has reportedly been “making Ben wear foundation again,” his manhood be damned.
To add insult to injury, Lopez’s matchmaker mother, Guadalupe Rodriguez, who allegedly pressured her daughter to get back with the runaway, has reportedly “turned against” Affleck.
Breaking balls must be hereditary.
So what’s next for JLo? She always has a plan.
Maybe you like some IG posts about past loves. Or check your B-list phone book.
Some friends even desperately predict that she will quickly get back together with her ex-fiancé Alex Rodriguez, who allegedly cheated on her in 2021.
For a supposedly intelligent woman (“She’s very smart,” a friend told the Mail), that seems like an incredibly stupid move.
Her friends even predict that she will quickly get back together with her ex-fiancé Alex Rodriguez, who allegedly cheated on her in 2021.
‘I don’t think cheating is a deal breaker for her anymore. In any case, I think she won’t announce the split until she has someone else lined up,” a source said.
Ben once said of his drinking addiction: “You do more to make the discomfort go away.” Then the real pain begins. It becomes a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.”
I hope you now get the help you may need.
As for JLo’s addiction, there is no 12-step program for that.
Fame is an incredible drug.
Will Joe ruin it?
President Shuffles took his wayward son out sniffing the trail Tuesday after a Delaware jury found the Great Whore Hunter guilty of three felony firearms offenses.
Joe is no doubt devastated that this monstrosity will soon be sharing a cell with his 2024 opponent. (Visiting day will be awkward!)
But you must be really terrified that the Biden crime family’s decades of scamming is about to be exposed. Hunter’s second trial, for failing to pay $1.4 million in taxes on foreign criminal profits, will begin in September.
That’s two months before the election. Joe better keep this wild child in line.
President Shuffles took his wayward son to sniff out Wilmington after a Delaware jury convicted the Great Whore Hunter of three felony weapons charges.
Speaking of criminals…
Donald Trump surely doesn’t take any vote for granted.
“I think (Taylor Swift is) beautiful, very beautiful,” No. 45 hungrily mused to an interviewer, according to a new book.
Who knows? This antihero has as many convictions as TayTay has been on Earth for years, so that’s a start.
But the future Mrs. Kelce endorsed Joey Biden in 2020.
‘Is she liberal or is it just an act?’ Trump reportedly asked.
It’s better this way, Don. She’ll just break your heart and then write about it.
Big Girls Do not Cry
Oversized pepper shaker Ashley Graham booed in a new interview about the struggles of growing up hot and thick.
When she was a little girl, she said, she saw a skinny blonde bombshell at Target and thought, ‘I want to be that!’
If only little Ashley knew the hungry woman was thinking, ‘I want to eat ribs!’
Honestly, what is Golden Grahams complaining about? It’s a millionaire cover with a BMI higher than the IQ of most fans.
Oversized pepper shaker Ashley Graham is booing in a new interview about the difficulties of growing hot and thick.
Cannonballs!
Procreation proselytizer Nick Cannon may already have 12 kids (from six different moms), but this prolific baby-thrower isn’t ready to hang up his cleats.
He has insured his purse for $10 million to ensure that “his family tree” keeps “rolling.”
Nick, that’s not a tree. You have planted a jungle.
I’ll be (a little) there for you…
Jennifer Aniston choked up when asked to reflect on the upcoming 30th anniversary of Friends.
‘What’s it like watching (the show) now?’ asked a Variety interviewer, referring to the recent overdose death of Jen’s co-star Matthew Perry.
Throwing her head back and wiping her feline eyes, Aniston did her best Meryl Streep thing. “These are happy tears,” she sobbed.
It makes you wonder, if the cast of Friends had acted with such urgent human emotion while Perry was alive, maybe we would have had a happier ending.
Jennifer Aniston choked up when asked to reflect on the upcoming 30th anniversary of Friends.
Scare the reds
A rowdy Reds fan got the old Cincinnati surprise when he ran onto the field Tuesday night, eluding police like a ghostly Usain Bolt and then doing a flawless backflip like another Olympic great, Simone Biles .
The stunt earned raucous applause from the bored Cincy crowd, who were watching their team lose.
But when a cranky cop unleashed the intruder with a Taser, leaving him sprawled on the field, the acrobatic speedster in the Johnny Bench jersey let out an even louder roar to No hitting the landing.
A rowdy Reds fan got the old ‘Cincinnati surprise’ when he ran onto the field Tuesday night.
Clooney’s prank call
Crazy George Clooney reportedly flew into a rage on the phone with a senior White House adviser after the Slurs-a-lot commander belittled his wife.
Following Amal Clooney’s announcement that she helped advise International Criminal Court prosecutors in seeking an arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Biden called the move “outrageous” and proposed sanctions for the ICC.
Imagine the cocktail party conversation when Clooney hosts a glitzy, celebrity-studded Los Angeles fundraiser for Joe later this month.
Joe: ‘I loved you in emergencies’
George: ‘Free Palestine!’
