I sold my engagement ring. Do I have to give the money to my ex-husband? VICKY REYNAL has the answer…

I have just sold my engagement ring from my first marriage. It was worth over £15,000 and I have the money in a savings account. But now I feel guilty about having the money and I wish I had kept the ring. Part of me thinks I should give the money to my ex-husband and part of me thinks I should save it for a rainy day. Either way, it makes me sick to think about it, which I am doing often.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question, but it would be good to analyze some of the feelings that may be behind your choice, to help you figure out what makes you feel best.

First of all, cash feels different than the ring because you’ve replaced something that had symbolic value with something that only has transactional value.

The ring may have been a reminder of nostalgic memories, or it may contain negative memories of something you suffered or survived, or it may represent an aspect of your ex-husband that you remember fondly, such as his generosity.

The first questions I would ask would be: why did you sell it and why now?

It may have been a purely rational thought process as to why I should keep something I don’t use, or why I should sell it, but it may also have been your feelings that guided the decision.

Could it be that you were trying to get rid of the feelings that this ring represented? Maybe a part of you was hoping to stop feeling certain emotions that the ring evoked, and so getting rid of it was a way to address them. Maybe you’re struggling to grieve the loss of your first marriage, maybe you still miss your ex-husband, or you’re still angry at him for how it ended.

Or maybe there is something in your current relationship, a growing discontent that leads you to think more about your past or a deepening of the relationship that leads you to want to close the old relationship. Maybe in your efforts to seek a new relationship you discover that you are still stuck in the past and that is what prompted you to put a “real end” to this symbolic bond with your former self.

Whatever the reason, the relief you were hoping for did not come with the sale of the item, and now, in addition, you are to blame for managing it.

It’s not uncommon to act on unconscious feelings (we eat to fill an emotional void, we spend too much to cope with sadness or boredom, or we sell a wedding ring because we hoped it would help us forget) and then we’re left with those same feelings plus the guilt and regret that comes with our action.

Now, whether it was emotions or a rational decision that led you to sell the ring, you are struggling with guilt and having to choose what to do with the money.

If you give money to your ex-husband: There is no expectation of anything in return; after all, a gift is a gift. Will giving him money really resolve your guilt?

We can’t know for sure. It may be possible and it may give you the closure you need because you may now feel like you have “nothing” left of him, nothing that “ties” you to him, no “debt.”

In other words, the money may not represent the marriage, but it may still feel like you are holding something back, and if closure was what you were looking for, the act of returning it could represent the emotional closure you may have been seeking.

But it is an emotionally risky strategy. You may not feel relief from guilt and instead repeat the pattern of using an action (for example, giving money to address a feeling of guilt) and, furthermore, you might have to deal with regret if you had given away £15,000 and still felt the same way.

If you decide to go this route, you’ll need to make sure you’re clear about the reasons why you’re giving the money and communicate them so they’re not misinterpreted.

What is your message? “I’m the one looking for closure,” or “I’m sorry about how the relationship ended and want to make amends,” or simply “I thought selling it made sense, but it doesn’t seem right to keep the money, so I thought I’d give it to you or share it with you.”

But be prepared to answer questions about why you sold your home in the first place, and think carefully about how much you want to reveal. Consider how you would feel about reestablishing a connection with your ex-husband, even if it’s brief. How will your current partner (if you have one) feel about it?

If you keep the money: you need to face your guilt. Remember that you kept the £15,000 gift before it was even converted into cash – the guilt may not be about the monetary value, but about having given away something of symbolic value. But remember that the ring may be gone, but the feelings and memories it represented are not gone with it. You can still get them back and reconnect with them if you wish.

Money is just money and I’m sure in a marriage there were a lot of “financial interactions”, money changing hands, being shared, and the divorce process would have resolved the financial separation issues.

The financial value of the ring belongs to you – you can keep it in your savings while you mourn the loss of the ring and watch the guilt fade away. Or, if not, you can even consider investing it in something meaningful.

My final question for you: is the guilt really about the money, or has selling the ring unlocked guilt that belonged to the relationship? Were you unfaithful and this is what triggered the end of the marriage, or do you feel guilty about the hurt you did to him when you told him you were leaving him? If that is the case, then from an emotional standpoint we can understand why you feel like you owe him something, but it isn’t money and therefore giving him money won’t fix it.