Q I have been trapped in a marriage with a financially abusive, controlling narcissist for 20 years. I have felt unable to leave because my elderly parents and son live with us. I also have nothing (our cars, houses and money are in his name) and have been forced to live on benefits and take cleaning jobs to support myself. I have been lonely, isolated and unhappy for a long time.
Last year I embarked on an affair with a married colleague. My husband hired a private detective and secretly placed a tracker in the car he lets me drive. He was furious and started divorce proceedings, but these were stopped when he discovered that I was entitled to 50 per cent of everything. He then became reluctant to reveal his true financial situation. We continue to live together, but separately, which is not very different from how our marriage has always been. He has slandered my name to everyone we know and this has contributed to my isolation.
He has also been found to have lied about his income and savings on all the joint benefit forms we have applied for over the years and the authorities are now looking into this matter. I have always been kept in the dark about our finances and I am worried that we are both going to have a lot of problems.
TO This is financial abuse. He has controlled every aspect of your life. Your feeling of helplessness is summed up by the phrase “the car he lets me drive,” as if he is granting you permission for something that is your right. It must be a big concern for you that your joint finances are being investigated.
Deidre Cartwright, from Surviving Economic Abuse, says that sadly, she hears all the time from people who have had an abuser who has used the welfare system to control them by obtaining false benefits in their name, hiding financial information or forcing them to make false claims.
But there is support available. Visit the charity’s website (Survivingeconomicabuse.org) for help and also call the Money Advice Plus financial helpline (0808 196 8845) for victims of financial abuse. She needs a way out of this situation – it must be awful to continue living in the same house. I am worried that she is at risk of physical violence from her husband if she decides to leave, so please contact shelter.org.uk to discuss a safety strategy.
Finally, it is terrible, but typical of your husband to blame you in his conversations with friends and family. No one would condemn you for having an affair if they knew about the situation. You needed a lot of love and affirmation elsewhere, as you weren’t getting any at home. It is very sad (and not surprising) how lonely you feel, so tell the whole story to some trusted friends, as you need that support. You might also consider getting psychological counseling.
WE HAVE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT
Q My husband and I went on vacation a few weeks ago. We’ve had a few short getaways while our kids were growing up, but this was our first two-week solo trip as a couple in 20 years. Now that our kids are 19 and 17, it’s understandable that they don’t want to come with us anymore, but I missed them so much.
Over the years, I have loved our family holidays. We usually get along really well and do sports together. But without them, everything felt monotonous and rather boring. Thinking about it since then has made me question my marriage and whether my husband and I are really happy together. We get along well and don’t argue much, but I am worried that we have run out of things to talk about. What do I do from now on?
TO Every marriage has its ups and downs. The departure of your children is often a time of crisis, but it can also be a time of growth as you rediscover each other. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is in any major trouble, though, so I’m wondering if you’re a little depressed. You clearly enjoy spending time with your children a lot, and now you’re looking forward to them leaving. You’re mourning the time when they were little. A bad mood or depression can keep you from enjoying anything, even time with your spouse. So don’t be afraid to talk to your husband and tell him a little about how you’re feeling.
It might be helpful to go to therapy together to guide you through this stage (Relating.org.uk) but it would also be a good idea for both of you to take on some new challenges (separately and together), such as learning a new skill or getting involved in a project to bring stimulation to your lives.
If you have any problems, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets not being able to answer each one personally.