He didn't care that it hurt, that I was bleeding and that I was in so much pain. I would tolerate the pain without someone I could tell or someone who could comfort me. I always feel alone, I never wanted this.
As long as I remember I have had problems sleeping. I have terrible nightmares and wake up crying. No medication seems to help.
When I wake up from these nightmares, I am the most alone. I just want to be happy. I struggle with constant depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.
I have tried everything I know to improve this. I have done counseling and tried so many different medicines to relieve the burden that I carry every day. The medication gives me the feeling that I am a robot, I have no emotion whatsoever. As much as I want to be stunned, I also want to be happy.
I find it hard to relax, I have to be on the road 24/7. I am afraid that if I stop, my childhood memories will flow back, flashes of the attack, I cannot think clearly.
This does not always work.
I can enjoy a fun day out with my family, have a barbecue with friends, and for no reason memories tease my mind and take that moment away for me to enjoy like everyone else.
This has affected my relationships who tried to talk openly about it, because I feel disgust in myself. I don't want this body or these memories, I am broken.
I feel sick every day. I am thinking of ending everything. I have thought of suicide all my life, most recently about two weeks ago I almost tried to take my life.
I felt that I could no longer bear to feel that way. I could no longer handle the memories of the abuse. It was only the thought of my mother and partner and how that would affect them that I didn't go through with it.
I wanted to kill myself because I didn't want to feel broken, useless and disgusting. My entire family on the side of my father with whom I grew up completely cut me off. They have tried countless times to drop this case on me. When I refused, they abandoned me, told me that I am selfish, ruined their reputation and no longer talk to me.
I feel even more alone. The people who have known me all my life and had to love me, have thrown me away as if I no longer matter.
The truth is the reason I can't drop this because I'm worried about the young girls. Like my five-year-old sister and two-year-old niece and other young girls who surround this family.
Although I have been cut off from their lives, I love them so much and I care for them.
I don't want this to happen to them, I want them to have a childhood that they can enjoy and not live in fear like I did.
I want to be able to feel happiness, something that I feel that I will never really feel because of my father. & # 39;
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