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One often imagines that an abusive relationship involves physical violence.
However, emotional abuse is just as damaging. It leaves no visible scars, but the damage can be devastating and last a lifetime. As a trauma therapist, I have seen the profound impact of emotional abuse on mental and physical health.
Emotional abuse involves behaviors that manipulate, intimidate, and undermine the victim’s self-esteem and mental well-being.
Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars, but the damage can be devastating and last a lifetime.
Because the damage often happens behind closed doors, it is harder for those on the outside to recognize it (and even harder to address it).
But understanding the signs of emotional abuse and knowing how to support a friend or loved one could save their life and make a significant difference on their road to recovery. Here are seven key signs to look out for…
1. Often cancels meetings.
Abusers often control who their partner can see and talk to in an attempt to isolate them from support networks, so they have to rely completely on their abuser and are unable to reach out for help. If your friend seems increasingly distant, it could be a sign of emotional abuse.
The next time she bails on a lunch date, don’t get upset. Talk to her regularly. Support can make a significant difference even if she doesn’t always respond.
2. He constantly belittles her.
Abusers often control who their partner can see and talk to in an attempt to isolate them from support networks.
An emotionally abusive partner will criticize and belittle their victim, making them feel worthless and incapable. If your friend tells you that she is being belittled or made to feel inadequate, or if you see her partner speaking to her in this way, this is a red flag.
You should also keep in mind that it’s very important for her to feel able to share this with you in the first place. Acknowledge her feelings and let her know that it’s okay to feel scared, angry, or confused. Validating her emotions is crucial to helping her regain her sense of self.
3. She always apologizes
If your friend seems confused about her own experiences, constantly questions her memory, or apologizes excessively, she may be experiencing gaslighting at home.
This involves making the other person doubt their perception of reality and therefore their sanity. Be careful of unnecessary apologies for simple mistakes.
Because she’s so used to recriminations at home, she might be terrified of the same reaction from you.
4. He accuses her of cheating.
Abusers often display jealousy and possessiveness, even accusing their partners of infidelity.
Abusers often display jealousy and possessiveness, even accusing their partners of infidelity. This can lead to isolation if she feels she should not go out or talk to anyone, in case he accuses her of flirting or seduction.
5. She walks on eggshells.
If your loved one seems afraid of making their partner angry, this is a sign of emotional abuse. The fear of provoking their partner’s anger can be paralyzing. This can lead them into a state of constant vigilance, where they are always on alert, not knowing when the next outburst may occur.
She might say, “He can be very loving, but sometimes he gets upset over the smallest things,” quickly followed by an excuse like, “He’s stressed out from work.” Be alert for any silent mentions of “this will make him angry.” She might keep things light and superficial with you, for fear that her abuser will find out that she has talked about his behavior.
6. She has low self-esteem.
If your once-confident friend now doubts her abilities and feels unworthy, it may be a sign that she is in an abusive relationship. For example, she may start avoiding activities she once enjoyed, convinced that she is no longer good enough to participate.
Compliments or praise that you once accepted with grace are now rejected or dismissed with disbelief. You may find yourself constantly seeking validation and reassurance, expressing feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Phrases like “I can’t do anything right” or “I’m not good enough” will appear in your conversations, reflecting your deepening self-doubts.
If your loved one seems afraid of making their partner angry, this is a sign of emotional abuse.
7. She suffers from a chronic illness.
Constant stress can have significant physical consequences. When you’re stuck in survival mode, your body will be on constant high alert, secreting the stress hormone cortisol, which can wreak havoc on the body and contribute to heart disease, high blood pressure, digestive problems and weakened immune function.
How can you help?
- Don’t try to force her to leave. It’s essential to handle the situation delicately to prevent the abuse from escalating. They know they need to leave, but they often get stuck and become addicted to the little crumbs of attention they receive from their abuser. Give her time and remind her that you are always there for her.
- Find places where your friend can go in an emergency, such as a friend’s house or a local shelter.
- Establish a code word or phrase that your friend can use to signal that he or she needs help without alerting the abuser.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse by Caroline Strawson is out now (£12.99, Hay House). As told to Louise Atkinson.
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