You’re over 50 and looking for love. But last time you checked, Bumble was a type of bee and Hinge was a joint attached to a door.
You need help navigating this bewildering new world of dating apps, swiping right, and the nerve-wracking prospect of meeting someone in person (i.e., in real life for you newbies out there). Enter Stephen Ellerker, a dating coach determined to bring his worldly wisdom to your love life.
Stephen, 73, a trained psychotherapist, joined Kindling Dating, an online coaching service, after being approached by its founder, Eimear Draper, looking for a guru for her more mature clients.
After her 20-year marriage came to an end, she turned to online dating, something she has done on and off for 30 years. She can quickly spot a time-waster and decipher a suspicious profile in a matter of seconds.
Trust me, you’ll want him as your partner, and here are his top ten tips for finding what you’re looking for in the wild west of online dating…
Stephen Ellerker, 73, joined Kindling Dating, an online coaching service, after being contacted by its founder, Eimear Draper, looking for a guru for her more mature clients (file image)
Improve your profile
Be authentic. It’s important to sell yourself and spark interest. I wouldn’t recommend a list of 24 things you don’t want, but be clear about the type of person you’re looking for. Ask a friend to read your profile. They know you and they’ll say, “I’m not sure about this, I don’t see that in you.”
Drunken photos of Bin
Avoid photos where you have a drink in your hand, as it can make people wonder how important alcohol is to you. Ask a friend to take your photo, someone who can project your personality in the best possible way.
Don’t wait for a date
If you’re really interested in someone and aren’t willing to wait weeks to meet them, don’t put off putting them off. Suggest a video call to break the ice. Don’t put up with being teased.
Visualizing the future
To find what you are looking for, you need to find out who you are. I always ask about a person’s values, beliefs, and principles. I often tell my clients, “Imagine that you have had a fantastic year since you finished the six-week Kindling Dating program and you call me to tell me about it. Then, when you have found the happiness you were looking for, what will you tell me?”
This new perspective allows people to visualize what they are looking for.
Stephen says: If you’re really interested in someone and aren’t willing to wait weeks to meet them, don’t agree to put it off (file image)
Reconsider your rules
It’s so important to have a sense of connection, that warmth towards someone, the desire to be open with them. The key is to manage expectations. If you insist that your ideal partner has to look a certain way or be a certain height, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to make connections.
Rejection is okay…
A helpful attitude is to think that you’re meeting 100 people and you only need one. The other 99 are part of the journey. It’s okay for either person to say no, but how you do it matters. Do it with a compliment.
…but ghosting is not
When I get ignored (which happens quite often), I wait about ten days and then send a message: “It was nice meeting you, good luck on your dating journey.”
It provides a sense of control and closure, much better than feeling angry. Ghosting is a sign that people have a hard time being honest, which is not an ideal trait in a partner.
Stop self-sabotaging
If you tell yourself “I’m not lovable” every time a date doesn’t work out, that negative belief will affect your behavior and keep you from finding love. If you expect rejection, you’ll be on alert for every sign that a date is going to set you back.
If they don’t respond to your message right away, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, you reject them before they reject you. Or they eventually message you and you don’t respond.
Withdrawal is what we call an amygdala response. It’s a reaction to fear of something: you either freeze, fight, or flee. But then the other person thinks, “He’s not interested,” and your expectation of rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Stephen says: Treat every date like an experiment. It gives you time to have fun, spot potential, and find chemistry.
Learn from your past
It can be enlightening to examine them, even with your parents, to see where unhelpful beliefs arose.
The most common ones are: “I’m not good enough” or “Everyone abandons me.”
It can shed light on any self-destructive dating habits you may be prone to.
Trust issues can also be a sign that you have not grieved the loss of a relationship. Analyzing why you act the way you do makes it easier to change harmful behaviors.
To be successful in dating, you need to grow as a person. Otherwise, you’ll end up repeating the same relationship patterns.
Free your mind
Get curious about who they are and what makes them tick. Let go of the idea that you’re looking for the love of your life.
Treat every date as an experiment. It gives you time to have fun, discover potential, and find chemistry.
- For more information on coaching sessions with Stephen Ellerker and the Kindling Dating six-week challenge, visit kindlingdating.com
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