Dear Jana,
Lately I have been frustrated and become passive-aggressive in my marriage, like my mother was with my father. It’s really starting to stress me out. Even small things, like the sound of my husband chewing, made me angry. I catch myself doing little things to express my frustration, like leaving the nice pillows on my side of the bed, adding too much salt to his meals, and sighing or rolling my eyes when he tries to talk to me.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way; Actually, I don’t hate it. But I can’t shake the feeling of boredom and being trapped in a suburban life I didn’t anticipate. I imagined more travel, excitement, and intimacy in our relationship. Instead, I often spend Saturday nights reading novels while he watches sports. I would even appreciate the chance to go to a game together, just to break up the routine.
How can I rekindle the spark in our marriage and avoid resenting him? I really don’t want to become like my mother.
Sasha.
Oh Sasha,
I know the feeling. I usually get it when I’m SO exhausted from a relationship. Seriously, when even chewing drives you crazy, it’s time to say sayonara. In fact, Megan Fox’s ex-husband recently said he knew their marriage was over when she was still bothered by his breathing. LOL – but also tragic. Luckily for me, I can have one of those slightly awkward “it’s not you, it’s me” chats and get it over with. You, however, are in a mess with the whole marriage thing.
But fear not, I’ve done some thinking and found some easy solutions to your passive dilemma.
First of all, congratulations on recognizing those passive-aggressive tendencies. We all know people who suffer from them and are completely unaware of it. Infuriating.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her signature sassy advice to Australians who need help with their love life, or lack thereof.
So if you’re looking for adventure and more sparkle in your love life, why not start by telling your husband, before giving the poor guy a heart attack with all that salt?
Explain politely that you are bored and need to get your heart rate back up. A subtle hint of ‘if not, I’m out of here’ could set off a missile.
You know what else I find that works? Put it around women and see if you get a little jealous. It’s amazing what it can do for your libido. Seeing another woman look at your man helps us remember that there is an open market and that we should be grateful for what we have.
Plus, why not send him a spicy text at work? A tasteful nude, perhaps. He’ll have to pay speeding tickets to get home with you. Surprise the man with some decent sexting and watch him go the extra mile.
Your vajayjay will thank you.
Dear Jana,
I’m so obsessed with my ex that I listen to his finance podcast every night when I go to sleep just to hear his voice. I also follow his Instagram with a fake account and occasionally stop by his house to see if he’s home or, worse yet, entertaining someone.
Is there a quick way to forget someone you are still deeply in love with? I’m aware that I’m acting crazy but I can’t seem to stop! Does everyone go a little crazy during a breakup?
Anonymous.
‘The only remedy is to quit cold turkey. Mute him on Instagram, take a different route home, and for at least a month pretend he doesn’t exist. Out of sight, out of mind,” says Jana.
Oh girl,
Been there, done that. One time (when I was 20) I even drove by an ex’s house and saw another girl’s car out front (the frangipani sticker on the back was a dead giveaway) and I parked behind his car, called him and I made him come out and chat. me.
I still shudder thinking about it.
So believe me when I say I speak from experience. The only remedy is to quit cold turkey. Mute him on Instagram, take a different route home, and at least One month he pretends it doesn’t exist. Out of sight, out of mind.
The only thing you are doing right now is torturing yourself. And I promise you it’s probably not doing half of the things your mind tells you it’s doing.
I’m going to give the most annoying (but true) advice I’ve ever been told: it gets easier over time. So give yourself that time. Distract yourself with a glow: go to the gym, get a tan, try a new hair color, go for a cocktail with the girls.
Do whatever it takes to get this man out of your old brain. And before you know it, one day you’ll wake up and that dull ache in your heart won’t hurt as much. Give it a year and you’ll be 100 percent better. I promise.
So block, delete and distract. It’s the only way.
Dear Jana,
How often do kids talk to each other? My new boyfriend texts his best friend all day, every day, even at work. My previous exes weren’t like that. They usually texted to arrange a catch-up. Is this normal? I’m starting to understand a little bit exactly how close they are…
Anonymous.
Dear anonymous,
Did you know? In the past I would have been a little wary too. But then I went to work at a men’s radio station and they happily put me in the group chat. Me and five fabulous, goofy guys.
And I can tell you that the text messages didn’t stop. We used to do ridiculous things, like on a Friday afternoon everyone had to send the group a photo of the drink they had chosen that weekend. We even had a running joke: if we ran into a freezer on our travels we had to stick our heads in it and send a selfie of us doing it to the group chat (made no sense but made us all laugh). My brothers and I are in a similar group chat where we send each other ridiculous memes all day.
Men are strange creatures, but they are also hilarious. AND WE WANT them to be good at communication. With some grim statistics on men’s mental health, if your partner has a good friend to chat to, then hooray! You have probably settled into a supportive environment.
So let him have his silly text message exchanges and be thankful he’s not sitting at home watching too much porn alone. No complications, keep playing.
