I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve had a couple of run-ins with Ozempic in recent months.
My first encounter occurred in the run-up to my 40th birthday party.
Overexcited from the big drunk party I was throwing, I decided on a theme: Saucy Secrets. (I know, so check.) I imagined everyone wearing their sexiest, skimpiest outfits, leaning into the chaos of the night.
What I hadn’t considered was that I would also have to wear something sexy and skimpy. Cue panic.
After a glorious winter of high-carb stews, calorie-laden red wines, and the occasional late-night chocolate binge, my body wasn’t quite ready to don PVC. Foolishness.
Desperate to lose some weight quickly, I turned to a friend who had “stumbled upon” an Ozempic. Fueled by Dutch courage after a few wines, we decided to inject it into each other.
But there was a problem: the dose we received was not right for us. It was prescribed to someone much heavier and 1 mg was too high. Laughing in a bathroom stall like schoolgirls sneaking a cigarette, we search like crazy for solutions on Google.
It turns out that the dose cannot be reduced. It’s not like breaking a pill. So luckily, common sense prevailed and, instead of injecting ourselves, we ditched the black market Ozempic and hit the gym like maniacs in the weeks leading up to my party.
Jana Hocking was tempted by the dubious Ozempic in the run-up to her 40th birthday. Fortunately, he abandoned the idea when he realized that the dose he had acquired was dangerously high and decided to go to the gym. (Jana, right, is pictured arriving at her party with her friend Hollie Nasser. Neither woman has used weight-loss medication or obtained a prescription illegally.)
That’s right, ladies. Sometimes it’s better to do it the old fashioned way.
The second time I came across the weight loss coup everyone is talking about was at a fancy booze launch party.
As I mingled with socialites, ‘It’ girls, and the school’s most stylish moms, I noticed a curious trend: They all seemed noticeably thinner. It didn’t take long to discover the reason. The hot topic of the night was Ozempic.
Questions like “Where did you get yours?” and ‘Can you introduce me to your doctor?’ filled the room. Yawn.
If I’m honest, the night is a “snore”. I want the real story, like who’s fucking who. But the topic didn’t really change.
One guest spilled the beans: Apparently everyone was using online telehealth systems. The trick? Turning off their cameras during Zoom consultations and claiming to weigh at least 50kg more than they actually do. Recipes were handed out for $400 each, no questions asked. I was shocked.
A friend of mine even managed to get a link to a particularly forgiving telehealth doctor. And that brings me to my third encounter with Ozempic: a front-row seat to its rollercoaster of side effects.
From day one, the texts came fast and furious. He had taken too high a dose, causing three days of vomiting, sweating, and complete exhaustion. “I feel like I’m dying,” said one. I was afraid that this would be his last message and that I would find out about his death on the six o’clock news.
*Emily, in her 30s, was desperate to wear a tight red dress she bought online, only to end up in emergency (file image)
Luckily, it was not fatal. And when his body adapted, he had indeed lost weight, but at what cost? When I asked him if it was worth it, his emphatic ‘No!’ He said it all. Well, that was $400 wasted.
So, it got me thinking: who else has had an unpleasant encounter with this medication that they’re clearly not supposed to take? I posed the question to my Instagram followers and it’s safe to say the messages came thick and fast.
These are just some of the experiences people had at Ozempic:
Emily*, in her 30s, was ready to turn heads at her ex’s engagement party. Desperate to fit into a tight red dress she bought online (one size smaller than usual), she begged a friend for a meeting with Ozempic.
The trick? Emily wasn’t overweight, but she told a telehealth doctor that she was tipping the scales at 250 pounds (where had she heard that before?). This is due to an expensive prescription, a painful pinprick… and a dangerously large dose of semaglutide.
At first he thought it was genius: he had no appetite. But then, the nausea set in.
A week later, she was with a friend with benefits when she felt a stabbing pain in her stomach that sent her straight to the emergency room. (Oh gosh, even I experienced secondhand embarrassment from this story.)
It turns out that the high dose caused acute pancreatitis. When the doctor asked her why she was taking Ozempic, she was mortified as she admitted, “I just wanted to look sexy in a dress.” Lesson learned the hard way.
Then there was Sarah*, a 42-year-old school teacher who decided to give Ozempic a try after hearing her Pilates group rave about its “miraculous” weight-loss powers.
He wasn’t overweight by any medical standard, but he told me he thought, ‘Hey, why not lose a few pounds before my beach vacation?’ A friend from her Pilates class gave her a few and boom! It was on.
Day one? He felt invincible. However, by the second week she was so constipated that it hurt to move. Things got worse when she developed an intestinal obstruction so severe it led to surgery.
Let’s say your dream of poolside bikini selfies was replaced by a hospital gown and a grimace.
Sarah*, a 42-year-old teacher, decided to give Ozempic a try after hearing her Pilates group rave about it. He ended up needing surgery after his unfortunate experiment (file image)
And finally there was Mark*, a 50-year-old technician who just got out of a nasty divorce.
She admitted that she didn’t need Ozempic, but she knew she was competing against some guys who seemed to be in shape on dating apps, and her dad’s body just wasn’t up to par.
His BMI was normal and his diabetes was under control, but after a friend told him about the “destructive magic” of Ozempic, he decided to take action.
It turns out there is a particular gym in Sydney that sells it in their back room. Mischievous!
At first, the kilos melted away and he began to love life. But then he started to feel full after just two bites of chicken breast.
Weeks later, I couldn’t ignore the fatigue, hair loss, and constant swelling.
It turned out that the drug had caused gastroparesis, leaving him malnourished and looking more ghostly than worthy of profit. Lessons were learned.
Other followers chimed in with their horror stories. One man said it made it “harder to concentrate at work,” while another woman confessed to vomiting blood more than once.
One husband revealed his wife could no longer hold her drink at Ozempic, saying: “It was like dating a teenager again.” I was drunk and messy after a few drinks. “It became a nightmare.”
Here’s the hard truth: if you’re not prescribed Ozempic for real medical reasons, you’re playing a dangerous game.
Sure, the promise of losing pounds is tempting, but so is eating an entire cheesecake, and we all know how that ends.
Save yourself the drama and gagging and opt for something safer, like Pilates or Spanx. Your health will thank you.
*Names have been changed.
A disclaimer: Ozempic is only approved for the treatment of diabetes in Australia. While some doctors may prescribe it for weight loss after a thorough assessment of their patients’ needs, Daily Mail Australia does not endorse its use for this purpose. You should always seek advice from a medical professional. Lying to a doctor to get a prescription is illegal and could lead to overdose or death.